Welcome to BID/BLACKBALL, your one-stop shop for guaranteed fantasy football and gambling success (READ: do the complete opposite of everything I say). “BID” means I have that player ranked higher than others might. “BLACKBALL” means I’m a little hesitant to plunge straight in without wearing any protection. Got it? Good.
Picks are on the left; Home teams are in CAPS.
THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
New York Giants (+2.5) vs. CAROLINA
BID: Martellus Bennett, TE, NYG
I have a full-blown fantasy man crush on Martellus Bennett. Through 2 games, he has 9 catches for 112 yards and 2 touchdowns. He is quickly entering the Tier-One echelon of tight ends. Not to mention, what a badass name! Anytime I hear his name, I can’t help but imagine that he talks just like Marsellus Wallace, the deliberate-speaking, mafia-running, buttrape victim from Pulp Fiction.
*Martellus Bennett wins a jump-ball, looks down at opposing linebacker*: YOU HEAR ME TALKIN’, HILLBILLY BOY? I AIN’T THROUGH WITH YOU BY A DAMN SIGHT. I’MA GET MEDIEVAL ON YO ASS.
BLACKBALL: Carolina Running Backs
Stewart’s banged up. DeAngelo ran for -1 yards two weeks ago. Tolbert and Cam remain lurking to vulture any success they have. Meanwhile, the GGGG-MENNNNNNNN have the 13th-ranked defense in the league. Stay away.
SUNDAY’S 1:00 GAMES
CHICAGO (-7.5) vs. St. Louis
BID: Michael Bush, RB, CHI
As soon as Bush moved to the Windy City, Matt Forte should’ve seen his high-ankle sprain coming. Why? Because Michael Bush is an opportunistic prick. It’s like clockwork. Bush comes to town, the starter suffers a grotesque injury, and then, while he’s on the sidelines, Bush takes his job (and outperforms him), makes passionate love to his wife, and convinces the other guy’s kids that Nick Cannon’s more hilarious than him (Cut to 2011 Darren McFadden owners nodding dejectedly).
BLACKBALL: Jay Cutler, QB, CHI
DALLAS (-8) vs. Tampa Bay
BID: Tony Romo, QB, DAL
Now, THERE’s the Tony Romo we’ve all grown to know and love! After a strong outing in Week One against the defending champs, Romo looked downright intimidated by the deafening noise of CenturyLink Field. Now that he’s away from all those big, bad, minivan-driving Seattleite baristas, look for Anthony to put up monster numbers against a Bucs defense that allowed Eli to throw for 510 yards in Week Two.
BLACKBALL: Kevin Ogletree, WR, DAL
Why? Because it’s Kevin Ogletree! Anyone who wasted a waiver claim on this schmuck after Week One is an idiot.
San Francisco (-6.5) vs. MINNESOTA
BID: Alex Smith, QB, SF
Jim Harbaugh is a giant bag of maize and blue-colored douches, but, my God, he sure knows how to groom a quarterback. Very quietly, Smith has averaged 21 fantasy points a week. Great numbers? No. But he’s definitely serviceable, especially in 2QB leagues.
BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR, SF
Shut your mouth, Mario Manningham. If I wasn’t in uniform, I’d split your skull faster than you can say “police brutality.” All I want to do is take that dog by the neck that you call “Mother”, tie her to the back of a station wagon, and speed away. She could probably keep up for a mile or two, tough little mutt. Just know that, when you find her bloody carcass lying on the back of the interstate, it was NOT an accident. I did it. Fuck you, Mario Manningham. Fuck you and your dream-crushing dastardly ways. You ruined my freshman year. Go suck an egg.
Detroit (-3.5) vs. TENNESSEE
BID: Jared Cook, TE, TEN
In Week Two, the Detroit Football Lions allowed the 6’3”, 250 lb. Vernon Davis to go off for 5 receptions for 73 yards and 2 scores. In Week Three, this collection of overwhelmed Nancyboys, otherwise known as Lions linebackers, have the task of shutting down Cook, who is 6’5” and weighs 250 lbs. Prediction: PAIN. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to need a drink… or twenty.
BLACKBALL: Chris Johnson, RB, TEN
I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K. I WILL NOT DRAFT CJ2K.
WASHINGTON (-3) vs. Cincinnati
BID: Robert Griffin III, QB, WASH
BLACKBALL: AJ Green, WR, CIN
All the talent in the world cannot change the fact that the guy lobbing A.J. the pigskin is a ginger creepazoid. Which brings us to Gambling Rule #89: NEVER bet on Cincy when they have a game in sunlight.
New York Jets (-2.5) vs. MIAMI
BID: Tim Tebow, QB, NYJ
You know it’s coming. Put your ear to the ground. You can already hear them chanting his name. The Sanchize passed for only 138 yards last week. Any resistance Mark puts up is futile, and is only delaying the inevitable. The dawn of the Second Coming is upon us. Say it with me, now.
BLACKBALL: Mark Sanchez, QB, NYJ
SUNDAY MID-AFTERNOON GAMES
Houston (-2) vs. DENVER
BID: HOUSTON D/ST
I’m not sure what’s in the water down in Texas. It’s probably some diabolical concoction of vomited Cuervo, Dorn’s crushed dreams, and the corpses of mentally handicapped toddlers that have been executed by the State. Whatever it may be, there’s no denying that it produces some downright nasty defenses. Everything’s bigger in Texas, including Houston’s defensive production. Going into Week Three, the Texans have only allowed 17 points, have picked off the ball three times, and have forced 2 fumbles. Yikes. I can already feel the grimace in Eli’s Brother’s neck.
BLACKBALL: Ben Tate, RB, HOU
In Week One, the most valuable handcuff in fantasy football ran five times for six yards. In Week Two, he rushed for 74 yards and 2 touchdowns on his way to putting up 21 fantasy points for everyone’s bench. This is what Ben Tate does. He’s a bipolar cocktease who’s on his period twice a month, but you never know which week the red river will be flowing. As long as Arian Foster is healthy, all you can really do is try to guess if the Texans will blow out the other team enough for Tate to get some touches. The Broncos have only allowed 147 rushing yards, seventh best in the League. Sit Tate, but keep a box of Kleenex handy for when he inevitably goes off.
Sunday Night Football
New England (+3) vs. BALTIMORE
BID: Wes Welker, WR, NE
Aaron Hernandez is out, meaning that Mr. Gisele is going to need to rely on Welker more than ever to take the pressure off Gronk, who, so far, has been playing like his biggest battle in the trenches is against his hangover… which is actually probably the case.
BLACKBALL: Joe Flacco, QB, BAL
As poised and confident in the pocket as he has looked against the competent defenses of Cincy and Philly, just remember- he’s still Joseph Vincent Flacco. From the University of Delaware. Don’t you forget that. Don’t you EVER forget that.
Monday Night Football
Green Bay (-3) vs. SEATTLE
BID: Jordy Nelson
He’s due. He HAS to be due. Right? I will keep telling myself that a white wide receiver coming off a career year (while the number one WR on his team was injured) was a TOTALLY justifiable fifth round pick until the day I die. My tombstone will read, “Here lies JParks, hopeless romantic with an unwavering soft spot for replaceable token white guys.”
BLACKBALL: Russell Wilson, QB, SEA
“I’m riding shotgun in the Cult of Russell this season.” –Bill Simmons
That’s enough for me to do the complete opposite.