SUNDAY 1:00 GAMES
Raiders (+9) vs. FALCONS
The Devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for some intelligence to steal, but all he could find was a bunch of slack jawed racists who tear up anytime an Alan Jackson record gets played.
WHERE WERE YOU…WHEN THE WORLD BOUGHT ALBUMS THAT EXPLOITED NATIONAL TRAGEDIES FOR MONETARY GAIN?
Sweet Jesus, Georgians are fucking retarded. Maybe all those years of the Bravos choking in the playoffs have permanently cut off the air supply to their mullets. And just when you think that they can’t possibly get any dumber than embracing a Chick-fil-A-Appreciation Day, these corncobs start opening their mouths about football.
Last week, the Georgia Bulldogs got routed 35-7 by South Carolina. One Dawgs fan’s theory behind the rout has since gone viral. Did he believe UGa lost because of their inept special teams? How about the defensive line’s inability to shut down Cocks tailback Marcus Lattimore?
Oh, no. The reason Bulldog fan “Jefferson Dawg” proffered up as to why his beloved Bulldogs lost was much, MUCH more diabolical.
Carolina has looked average playing on the road so far this year…. barely scraping by Vandy and even trailing Kentucky after the first half. But, at home, they’re blowing people out when they’re able to hypnotize the visiting team with gay techno glow-stick music.
I’m sorry if that sounds crazy to you, but there’s something not right about that song. And if true, this is a criminal act.
Google “Musical Hypnosis” if you don’t believe me…………..
NOTE: He’s talking about the song “Sandstorm.” Fucking Sandstorm, man. Been saying it for years. It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
Good heavens. Let’s just rename the show “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader” to “Are You Smarter than a Georgia Resident”, and get it over with.
These doofuses do not deserve Matty Ice and the gang, but alas, here we are. The Dirty Birds enter the game as one of the two remaining undefeateds, and this air attack is GOOD. By this point, Julio and Roddy White Castle have alternating big games down pat. I swear, it’s like they’re having a devil’s threesome and they’re switching positions on the reg out of politeness. One week, Julio goes off and Roddy gets a breather; the next week, it’s the other way around. Julio went off for 15 fantasy points last week, meaning that this week, it’s Roddy’s time to shine.
So why Oakland? Because after last night’s manhandling by Must See JV (so happy, you guys), people in the Bay are walking around with a limp that hasn’t been seen since Al Davis died 27 years ago, and then ran the team postmortem, Weekend At Bernie’s style.
The people of Oakland NEED this. Raiders to cover.
BID: Darren McFadden, RB, OAK (100% ownership)
BLACKBALL: Denarious Moore, WR, OAK (91.6% ownership)
Colts (+3.5) vs. JETS
REX! Rex. Buddy. The fuck you doing, man? Your team’s 2-3. The Sanchize is averaging 200 yds/game and has a 6:6 touchdown to pick ratio. It’s time, man. It’s TEEEEBBBBOOOWWW Time. Embrace it. Just pretend that the virgin’s a big ‘ol sweaty foot. You need this. I need this. America needs this. GOD’S ONLY SON needs this. The Mayans draft timer is ticking down to zero, and your Latino pretty boy ain’t the one who’s going to be able to spike the ball and stop the clock.
Put Tim in.
BID: Andrew Luck, QB, IND (87.7% ownership)
BLACKBALL: Jeremy Kerley, WR, NYJ (41.8% ownership)
Bengals (-2) vs. BROWNS
Look, I get it. You might be thinking that all my bashing of other cities and their fans is just a desperate ploy on my part to divert attention away from the warzone known as Detroit, MI.
And you’d be absolutely right. God, you’re smart.
But seriously, you guys, you have NO IDEA how shitty the state of Ohio is, ESPECIALLY the city of Cleveland. Cops pull you over for sneezing on the freeway. The entire town is a gigantic trailer park that’s been set on fire. The local’s college football team has all the corruption of the SEC but without the winning.
AND THE WHINING. My god, the whining. Jose Mesa. Red Right 88. The Fumble. The Shot. The Drive. The Decision. Art Modell.
We get it. Your city has gone through some shitty sports moments. Guess what. So has Buffalo and Minnesota and Boston, and a whole mess of other cities that at least have the dignity to shut the fuck up after they realize that God hates them. I’m sure kids in fucking Somalia are heart broken that the most talented team Cleveland has ever had started Roger Dorn at the hot corner.
That’s why the new fake Browns are SO fitting. Really, was anyone surprised when Trent Richardson got sent to Dr. Andrews the MINUTE his plane touched down in Ohio? And for God’s sake, just look at your quarterbacks since expansion. It’s a list that defines embarrassment.
Colt McCoy. Ty Detmer. Tim Couch. Jeff Garcia. Seneca Wallace. Brandon Weeden.
Cleveland: Making Detroit look good since forever.
Enjoy 0-16, assholes. Welcome to the club.
BID: Andy Dalton, QB, CIN (96.8% ownership)
BLACKBALL: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, CIN (100% ownership)
SUNDAY MID-AFTERNOON GAMES
Giants (+6.5) vs. 49ERS (
This week’s winner of the “When I masturbate, this is what I think of doing to Mario ‘sometimes abortion should be legal’ Manningham”:
BID: Alex Smith, QB, SF (94.4% ownership)
BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR (68.7% ownership) SF
Vikings (+2.5) vs. REDSKINS
Poor Kirk Cousins. The greatest quarterback in Michigan State (yes, I know, sad program we’ve had up here) is in for a ROUGH day. Maybe med school won’t look like such a bad idea once Jared Allen gives him the Princess Diana treatment. He’s in for a car crash of disastrous proportions against this Vikes front four.
BID: Viking D/ST (68.1% ownership)
BLACKBALL: Alfred Morris, RB, WSH (199% ownership)
SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Packers (+3.5) vs. TEXANS
Cheeseheads vs. steers. Farms vs. ranches. Paul Ryan vs. Rick Perry. Wisconsinite chicks versus Texan girls. I’m talking COWS ON COWS ON COWS, people. This stadium might cave in because of all the fat fucks that will be in attendance. That, and the egos. My God, the egos involved in this game. It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the only people who can shut these cocky junior initiate Texans up is an even cockier franchise that’s fixated on what happened when players wore leather helmets and black people couldn’t even suit up.
Hot air, entitlement, and delusional pride. I can’t wait to watch. It’s what America is all about.
BID: Andre Johnson, RB, HOU (100% ownership)
BLACKBALL: Alex Green, RB, GB (25% ownership)
LAST WEEK: 5-3