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Raiders (+9) vs. FALCONS


The Devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for some intelligence to steal, but all he could find was a bunch of slack jawed racists who tear up anytime an Alan Jackson record gets played.



Last week, the Georgia Bulldogs got routed 35-7 by South Carolina. One Dawgs fan’s theory behind the rout has since gone viral. Did he believe UGa lost because of their inept special teams? How about the defensive line’s inability to shut down Cocks tailback Marcus Lattimore?

Oh, no. The reason Bulldog fan “Jefferson Dawg” proffered up as to why his beloved Bulldogs lost was much, MUCH more diabolical.

Carolina has looked average playing on the road so far this year…. barely scraping by Vandy and even trailing Kentucky after the first half. But, at home, they’re blowing people out when they’re able to hypnotize the visiting team with gay techno glow-stick music.

I’m sorry if that sounds crazy to you, but there’s something not right about that song. And if true, this is a criminal act.
Google “Musical Hypnosis” if you don’t believe me…………..

Good heavens. Let’s just rename the show “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader” to “Are You Smarter than a Georgia Resident”, and get it over with.

These doofuses do not deserve Matty Ice and the gang, but alas, here we are. The Dirty Birds enter the game as one of the two remaining undefeateds, and this air attack is GOOD. By this point, Julio and Roddy White Castle have alternating big games down pat. I swear, it’s like they’re having a devil’s threesome and they’re switching positions on the reg out of politeness. One week, Julio goes off and Roddy gets a breather; the next week, it’s the other way around. Julio went off for 15 fantasy points last week, meaning that this week, it’s Roddy’s time to shine.

The people of Oakland NEED this. Raiders to cover.

BID: Darren McFadden, RB, OAK (100% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Denarious Moore, WR, OAK (91.6% ownership)


Colts (+3.5) vs. JETS



REX! Rex. Buddy. Your team’s 2-3. The Sanchize is averaging 200 yds/game and has a 6:6 touchdown to pick ratio. It’s time, man. It’s TEEEEBBBBOOOWWW Time. Embrace it. JYou need this. I need this. America needs this. GOD’S ONLY SON needs this. The Mayans draft timer is ticking down to zero, and your Latino pretty boy ain’t the one who’s going to be able to spike the ball and stop the clock.

Put Tim in.

BID: Andrew Luck, QB, IND (87.7% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Jeremy Kerley, WR, NYJ (41.8% ownership)


Bengals (-2) vs. BROWNS


Look, I get it. You might be thinking that all my bashing of other cities and their fans is just a desperate ploy on my part to divert attention away from the warzone known as Detroit, MI.

And you’d be absolutely right. God, you’re smart.

AND THE WHINING. My god, the whining. Jose Mesa. Red Right 88. The Fumble. The Shot. The Drive. The Decision. Art Modell.

We get it. Your city has gone through some shitty sports moments. Guess what. So has Buffalo and Minnesota and Boston, and a whole mess of other cities that at least have the dignity to shut up after they realize that God hates them. I

That’s why the new fake Browns are SO fitting. Really, was anyone surprised when Trent Richardson got sent to Dr. Andrews the MINUTE his plane touched down in Ohio? And for God’s sake, just look at your quarterbacks since expansion. It’s a list that defines embarrassment.

Colt McCoy. Ty Detmer. Tim Couch. Jeff Garcia. Seneca Wallace. Brandon Weeden.

Enjoy 0-16. Welcome to the club.

BID: Andy Dalton, QB, CIN (96.8% ownership)

BLACKBALL: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, CIN (100% ownership)







Giants (+6.5) vs. 49ERS (



BID: Alex Smith, QB, SF (94.4% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR (68.7% ownership) SF


Vikings (+2.5) vs. REDSKINS



Poor Kirk Cousins. The greatest quarterback in Michigan State (yes, I know, sad program we’ve had up here) is in for a ROUGH day. He’s in for a car crash of disastrous proportions against this Vikes front four.

BID: Viking D/ST (68.1% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Alfred Morris, RB, WSH (199% ownership)




Packers (+3.5) vs. TEXANS


Cheeseheads vs. steers. Farms vs. ranches. Paul Ryan vs. Rick Perry. I’m talking COWS ON COWS ON COWS, people. That, and the egos. My God, the egos involved in this game. It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the only people who can shut these cocky junior initiate Texans up is an even cockier franchise that’s fixated on what happened when players wore leather helmets and black people couldn’t even suit up.

Hot air, entitlement, and delusional pride. I can’t wait to watch. It’s what America is all about.

BID: Andre Johnson, RB, HOU (100% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Alex Green, RB, GB (25% ownership)


SEASON: 15-10-1




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  1. 7

    Dear JParks,

    Perhaps you are a Michigan alumnus, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I respect almost everyone I have met that has roots in Ann Arbor (and some from East Lansing as well). However, you are most likely not a Michigan or Michigan State alumnus who majored in engineering, considering the fact that your best job offer was from TFM. So fuck you, you liberal arts pussy. Despite the fact that I am a Sigma Chi, I would like to kindly ask you to go fuck yourself.

    If you happen to be an engineer, then you know that the state of Georgia has produced an engineering school that year after year ranks above any engineering university in your state. In fact, please see the link below, as far as our state’s dumbness is concerned. You may be surprised to see the image that the University chose to represent itself for this international rankings site. Yes, that’s your fraternity, as a side note.

    Also, while the memories of Tayshaun “the Monkey” Prince and company may be recent enough to hyper-inflate your miserable Detroit sports ego, please remember that 0-16 was not all that long ago, and that your team (not a team from the “Chick-fil-A appreciation day state”) was the team that deferred after winning the toss in overtime. Go Lions.

    Also, fuck Chick-fil-A appreciation day.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
  2. 2

    JParks you clearly are the fucking idiot if you think the Falcons will lose to the Raiders. Yes, their are a lot of dumb Georgia fans, but the University of Georgia is consistently ranked as one of the top public universities in the nation. Go fuck yourself, sir.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago
  3. 0

    I’m sorry but these have to be my least favorite columns on the site. They’re decent at best, and the incoherent rambling makes me want to stop reading immediately.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 4 years ago

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