BID/BLACKBALL, WEEK 6: THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PREVIEW

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Steelers (-6) vs. TITANS

Hash:

Dementia is for liberals. It’s the easy way out. If you want to forget that you’ve spent your entire life living in a landlocked breeding ground of incest and Lane Kiffin, Ms. Summitt, why don’t you repress your memories like an adult and think about the time you got touched by your drunken stepfather, like the rest of us do. I WAS LOVED. I can’t believe this looney tune got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. She really needs to act her age…you know, if acting her age didn’t involve suffering from a horrible disease that was induced by her age.

Pat Summitt’s theme song:

Oh, and early-onset Alzheimer’s is bad.

The people of Tennessee deserve this walking contradiction of a team. If this state had a mascot, doesn’t it have to be Garth Brooks and his bipolar alter ego Chris Gaines? Only in Tennessee do you get dry counties and Jack Daniels distilleries, Carrie Underwood and ice hockey, a Mason-Dixie superiority complex and butt chugging. And yet these people still trumpet backwards Southern Baptist values without the slightest hint of irony. WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?

The Steel Curtain should have no problem decimating the white bread of the AFC South. My God, the Titans are fucking bland. No flavor. Just take a look at Matt Hasselbeck, who will be taking the helm under center for the injured Jake Locker. Hasselbeck’s a condom away from looking like a talking penis that underwent chemo. The only personality to note on this team is CJ0K, who was last spotted walking backwards in line at the supermarket. Fantasy owners everywhere will rejoice the day that Kenny Britt guns down Johnson in another act of vehicular assault. He’s rushed for 210 yards through 5 weeks, including only 24 yards last week against the Vikings.

It should be clear to everyone by now. Chris Johnson does not run for yardage. He runs for RETARDAGE.

So while Jared Cook might have a nice little evening against what has been, to date, a bottom five fantasy defense, the pickings should be slim across the board for the Titans.

Meanwhile, we’re entering the stretch of the season where Pittsburgh goes off on a six game winning streak. Rapelisberger has looked GOOD, and has a full arsenal of toys to play with. Big fan of Antonio Brown and Mendy this week, even though the latter deserves a double tap for his views on September 11th. But hey, if my penis prematurely exploded on the reg despite it never making contact with anything, I’d be looking to find a government conspiracy behind it, too.

(*Mendenhall’s about to mount some western Pennsylvania bar slag in a filthy bathroom, Big Ben style, and make some sex*)

“Motherfucker. I swear this never happens. WHAT! It’s not MY fault! It’s that son of a bitch Bush that made my Building 7 implode!” (*shakes fist*) BUSSSHHHHHH!!!!”

If it weren’t for the Titans being at home under the lights, this one might be a laugher by halftime, and everyone could go home early. But that’s not the case, which is too bad for the Steelers. Because God knows that once Pittsburgh has a 3 touchdown lead, Ben’s going to be itching on the sidelines, thinking about the all the snatch that he could be grabbing instead of padding his stats and spending his night in the asshole of Appalachia.

BID: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, PIT (90.1% ownership)

BLACKBALL: Chris Johnson, RB, TEN (100% ownership)

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LAST WEEK: 5-3
SEASON: 15-10-1

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  1. ImNateHlggers

    Hey JParks, I know were buddys and all, but I just wanted to take the time to point out YOU WERE WRONG HAHAHA. I hate both teams btw so idgaf

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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  2. Jon M Fratsman

    Parks I swear to God I’m gonna tear her up. You know who. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll dive right in on that leathery old snatch. One more crack on Tennessee, bud. One more fucking crack on my beloved Volunteer State and Granny Parks will know the wrath these 2 inches can deliver.

    It’s been a long week, you guys.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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  3. Stevethedrunk

    You sir, are a fucking idiot. Do not ever watch the game of football again. You have embarrassed yourself beyond explanation with this column.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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  4. friendsinbroplaces

    This column is by far the worst article I’ve read in a good while. It reads like something Sarah Silverman would have written- an incoherent string of insults directed at truly undeserving target, jst for shock value. The writing style you employ is often adopted by the unimaginative and talentless. While I couldn’t give two shits about women’s basketball, Pat Summitt is one of the few models of virtue in athletics that combines an excellent story with an untarnished reputation. In shory, the best thing for you would be a post natal abortion.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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