Well, you’ve done it again. A few too many double bottom-of-the-well whiskeys and all of the sudden you thought you were made of steel and you pissed vinegar. That motherfucker at the other side of the bar started eyeing you like he either wanted to kick your ass or check your frat off of his gauntlet, but one things for damn sure, that fairy needed to be dealt with. He could not POSSIBLY have been looking you up and down because you just HAPPENED to be grind fucking on his girlfriend when he was coming back from the bathroom. NO. WAY. He was just a random douche who needed to be put in his fucking place, and you were just the guy to do it. When he walked by you checked his shoulder like Clay Matthews putting down some bitch slot receiver coming across the middle, and from there it was on.
Congratulations. Win or lose, when you came to this morning, you found out you are now the proud owner of a black eye.
Fuck. You might say to yourself as you look in the mirror. It’s a perfectly rational thing to say when you see the consequences of your perfectly irrational night looking back at you. Shiners aren’t exactly a welcome sight when you come to in the morning and expect to see that same old handsome devil in the mirror staring back at you. Those of you who are faint of heart (see also: gaping vaginas) might look at that black eye and feel ashamed. I’ve even heard of guys trying to cover up a black eye with concealer. Unless you have the biggest job interview of your life that day, this might be the most pathetic move of all time. Wear your black eye as a badge of goddamn honor.
Now, I’m not saying fighting makes you cool or badass. Anyone can get punched in the face, just ask my mom! But seriously, I’m not eleven years old and I could not care less about how mean of a left hook you have. Just like my father told me, it takes two douchebags to get in a barfight, one to instigate it, and another to say “don’t mind if I do” and take a swing. But hell, we are all in college, we all drink a little (or to obscene extremes, but whatever), and every now and then you kick some ass and get your ass kicked. If you’ve never gotten your ass kicked, that black eye you are sporting should be a good reminder that there is always someone who can painfully impose his will on you. If you think there isn’t then I can’t wait to watch you get man handled. The look on your face will be priceless.
For those of you who aren’t aware, there is no experience quite as humbling as having another person get the best of you in a fight. It’s really quite amazing how with one solid blow all of your preconceived notions of being indestructible can crumble to nothing as your face makes its way to the ground. Welcome to the club, you’re a better person for it and you probably won’t make the same mistake twice. If you feel the need to bludgeon someone else to restore your ego I suggest you start with yourself so you can eliminate your garbage DNA from the gene-pool. I don’t want one of your blockhead great-granddaughters ever poking holes in my grandson’s rubbers to get my money.
However, aside from all of the stupid lessons and being a better person crap, there is another more valid reason to not be so upset about that black eye. Ever hear the words “awwww what happened?” Well, you are going to start hearing them a lot from people much prettier than yourself. If you are smart you’ll realize that swollen eye is a gold mine and you can follow up that sympathizing coo from your future ex-slampiece with a great story. Even though it may be out of pity, getting laid is pretty easy to do once you get a girl’s mama-bear nurture gears to start churning. If your ego gets in the way of your dick you might as well not have one.
Fights are stupid, and there is really no reason to be in one aside from deciding to be a drunken asshole. However, the fact of the matter is we are all drunken assholes at one point or another. The difference between sophisticated men and those of lesser value is the ability to work your negative consequences into learning experiences and new opportunities. So learn from your mistakes, capitalize on that black eye, and try to get your shiner iced down while getting a rub down from a pretty lady.