I woke up Sunday morning more hungover than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I got paid yesterday and it was $2 Jose Cuervo shots at the college bar in my hometown, a combination that could crumble even men of the strongest will. The last thing I remember from Saturday night is telling the girl that my buddy was hitting on that he has an “impressively average-sized dick” (which didn’t work to his advantage somehow) and then bumming a spare cigarette from a fat chick standing outside the bar. You know — winner-type stuff. After that, total darkness.
After struggling to gulp down a few glasses of water and some leftover bar bacon, I got a ride back to my house and tried to get some sleep. However, instead of getting that much-needed rest, I laid in bed shivering from post-blackout anxiety. My mind raced and my heart pounded as memories started to come back, painting a grim picture of good night gone bad. I looked at my phone. There were three screenshots from a snapchat I don’t remember sending. Oh God, what did I send? How did I get so drunk so fast? Why was I such a terrible wingman to my buddy? Actually, that last one didn’t really bother me; I thought it was pretty funny… But still, the previous night had left me with more questions than answers.
The longer I laid there, the worse the anxiety got. But a man can only take so much self pity, so I decided that enough was enough. I made the time-honored morning-after vow to clean my act up and never drink again. This time it would be different, I told myself. I was going to make some changes: start going to the gym consistently, not procrastinate on assignments, only hook up with 6.5s and better (gotta be realistic), and maybe even call my mom back when she asks what “Toad’s Place” is and why I spent $75 there on the emergency card.
In scientific philosophy, there is the triad theory of thesis, antithesis, and synthesis. It says that for any decision that is made (thesis), there will be a negation of that thesis (antithesis), which in turn will come together for a compromising solution (synthesis). Since I am a man of fact and logic, I’ve extrapolated this thesis and applied it to the world of gregarious alcoholism. Blackout nights have a relatively small negative impact on society besides the occasional bar fight and personal embarrassment. The antithesis, being a more motivated, healthier, driven individual, however, has an undoubtedly positive societal impact. And while we may not reach our lofty goals, the synthesis of both still produces a better product and person than the original thesis. This slightly improved version of ourselves then becomes our baseline, only to be improved upon when we have our next blackout night, starting the entire process over.
Am I saying that alcoholism is driving human progress? Not necessarily. Am I justifying my own Monday scaries by claiming grandeur societal improvement? More than likely. But regardless, this thought caused me to get out of bed, jog a lap around my neighborhood (only puking thrice), and order a textbook that I’ll never read for a class I’ll barely attend next semester, so I’d say it’s working pretty well.
So next time you’re laying in bed regretting that drunken text you sent to your ex, remember this half-baked article and feel good about yourself, for you are making the world a better place one Irish Car Bomb at a time..