This entire story is true. In the vain attempt to write a column that won’t draw the ire of the comment section, I have decided to change up the format of this piece.
The correct answer is always “C” as it should be.
1) You open your eyes. It’s too blurry to make out details of your surroundings, and still being wasted isn’t helping to bring clarity to your situation. However, you do know three things: You aren’t in your bed, this isn’t your room, and the only thing you remember is betting Frank the Tank a fifty-spot that you could beat him in a race to finish a bottle of Jameson. What do you do?
A. Go back to sleep, you are too drunk to deal with whatever shit you have gotten yourself into.
B. Cautiously wait in bed and see what happens.
C. Get your whiskey-drunk ass out of bed and investigate your surroundings.
D. Whip your dick out and attempt to masturbate.
2) You fall out of the bed but hop up to your feet in a surprising recovery for how drunk you think you are. You rub your eyes and it becomes clear to you that this isn’t even a room at your fraternity’s house. You realize that the only day you would willingly choose to drink anything Irish is on St. Patrick’s Day, and that only means one thing: the annual St. Panties Day party with the Sigmas. You glance over at the dresser in the room and you do a double take. What did you just see?
A. A mirror, and you look as if you just went fifteen rounds with a bengal tiger.
B. A used condom that looks as if it has been violently ripped off and thrown mid-coitus. Aggressive Coitus.
C. A framed picture of a particular sigma, who has gained notoriety among your fraternity as “The Beast.”
D. The latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and a bottle of KY Jelly. Thank God you didn’t pick D until now.
3) You gulp. You may have just become The Beast’s latest victim. According to the Admissions Office, The Beast is a junior Sigma, but according to some of the stories you have heard she isn’t even human. She is a grungy, hideous creature that somehow crawled out of the dirtiest story told by your pledge master to scare the pledges…and you are in her room. You start to panic. How did you get here? What putrid orifices of this creature did you stick your dick in? What are you going to do?
A. You let the panic completely envelop your mind, and attempt to run away screaming.
B. You pull your phone out of your pocket and call the hospital, which you have on speed-dial. At best you only have one or two diseases. At worst you will have to donate your member to the CDC for studying.
C. Did the US panic after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! It wasn’t over then, and it isn’t over now.
D. You are too busy masturbating to care.
4) After steeling your nerve thanks to the cinematic classic Animal House, you decide to take charge of your situation and search the room for anything that you could use to defend yourself with. You find a roll of duct tape in a drawer, and suppress a shudder as you consider its purpose. You also find a menagerie of “marital aids” under the bed – the biggest one looked to be about the size of your forearm – but you decide not brandish any of the dildos as a club. Nothing else in the room seems like it will be of any use to your escape. What is your next move?
A. You climb back into bed to prepare an ambush from The Beast.
B. You construct a rope out of tape and attempt to climb out of the window.
C. You quietly walk out of the room into the hallway.
D. You walk out of the room into the hallway, still masturbating.
5) You are crouched in the hallway of the Sigma house, which is fortunately empty. You notice that the room you just left is number 328. You breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t attempt to go out the window. You can faintly hear what sounds like two cats banging each other coming from the other end of the hallway, and you sneak over to investigate. You come up to a closed door and realize that the noise was, in fact, singing. You pull the door open just enough to peek into the room and find it to be a bathroom. The wretched singing is coming from a globular woman at the far end who appears to be putting on makeup. Suddenly the woman’s phone rings. She picks up the phone and starts packing up her makeup. You hear her say the words: “Yeah, he’s back in my bed. I was just getting ready for round two.” You close the door and attempt to hold back everything in your stomach from spilling out onto the floor. What’s the call?
A. You lose the battle with your stomach and projectile vomit all over the hall.
B. You manage to keep it down and make a mad dash for the exit.
C. You realize that you don’t know where the exit is and that you need to buy yourself some time.
D. You stand there, cock in hand, still vigorously masturbating.
6) You need to buy yourself some time. You quickly get about twenty strips of duct tape on the door and test your handiwork. The door won’t budge, and you notice that the inside of the roll of duct tape says “made in the USA.” A single, patriotic tear comes to your eye. With the door secure you now stroll down the hallway and find the stairs. Halfway down the stairs you hear a howl come from the bathroom you taped up, followed by a large crash. Thunderous roars of rage shake the entire house. The Beast has realized that you are no longer in her bed. You race down the stairs as fast as you can and find yourself in the foyer of the sorority house. You spy what looks like the front door and sprint to it. Suddenly, The Beast crashes down through the ceiling and lands in your way. She looks up at you with glowing red eyes and screams “BUT YOU PROMISED TO PEE IN MY BUTT!” You are almost home free, what do you do now?
A. You pass out at the thought of peeing into this thing’s butt and are never heard from again.
B. You retreat back into the house but are eventually cornered and never heard from again.
C. You summon all of your intramural flag football prowess, throw a head-fake left, and spin right, successfully beating The Beast to the outside world.
D. You finish masturbating right there, and hit The Beast in the eye with your load. This distraction allows you to escape.
Bonus Question: After successfully defeating The Beast, what do you do on your way out?
A. You pull the fire-alarm.
B. You yell out “Fuck Sigma!” as loudly as possible.
C. You roundhouse kick the front door in half.
D. You pop a triumph boner.
E. All of the above.