Titty Sex Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be

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My friend told me he titty fucked a girl last weekend. That’s a pretty jarring thing to hear from an adult friend who isn’t a virgin. Mostly because the phrase “titty fuck” can’t be softened. Any other sexual term has its less harsh version you can say while out to drinks with a friend. If you just performed anal sex with a girl, you can say “butt stuff” or “threw it in her pooper” or “made a chocolate covered banana” and then easily transition to how well the mojitos were made. But titty fuck? Try calling that “boob love” to a woman and watch her react in the same cringey way she does at the word “moist.” Some would say “titty bang” is the answer, but I always feel like I should yell that like I’m Emeril Lagasse.

The real reason it’s a weird thing to hear from a friend is that I can’t believe adults are still doing that. Sure, a 15-year-old virgin on his mom’s phone read my first sentence and did a little fist pump after checking the room for any witnesses. But an adult? What a lie amongst two consenting individuals. Not one person involved in that sexual act is fully satisfied. Not one of them walks away from that experience feeling good. They’d probably get more fulfillment out of a kiss.

Please don’t get me wrong, the women performing boob love are saints (I tried. Boob love will never work. Even my penis just rolled his eyes). There isn’t a more selfless act than a woman agreeing to a titty fuck. You think you’re doing something running (walking) a marathon for some charity? Titty fuckers can’t write a Facebook post. You’ll never see, “Hey guys, today I helped a young man cum. I put in a lot of hard work and sweat. And sure I’m a little sore, but it’s a small price to pay” with a hundred likes. Titty fuckers are using their bodies to make another person climax with absolutely no chance of feeling any real pleasure. That’s amazing. No man would do the same thing. We complain about blue balls after dancing in a club. These angels are saying, “Yeah, rub on me for a while and then I’ll help you clean up.” If a girl asked you to extend your arm and let her ride your elbow for an hour you’d invent some excuse about homework due the next day. Meanwhile, titty fuckers are letting you know where they keep the moisturizer.

But never let a man ever brag to you about a titty fuck. That was a last resort. That was a show of weakness. He didn’t ascend to a titty fuck. He descended into an agreement. Titty fucking is a compromise. It’s a girl who doesn’t want to have sex and a guy who wants to have sex so much, that he’s like, “Yeah, just fold your skin like a vagina.” It’s not even a fully formed vagina. It’s like two thirds of the actual thing. It’s an open face vagina. And if you think post-sex ejaculation makes you feel guilty, wait till you have a conversation with the mind-devil after a post-titty fuck cum. Try rationalizing to yourself having your anus rub against a human being’s belly button. Your friend isn’t happy. The girl wasn’t happy. Don’t believe the hype.

This isn’t to say we should end the titty fuck. I think all the virgins reading this should try it. Everyone, man or woman, should have that experience in their back pocket. It’s all good fun. It’s really like getting into a sex batting cage. A place to get comfortable and take a few swings while you can’t really mess up and get hurt. Also, every girl gets to see the guy she’s hooking up with make a face like he’s trying to look sexy while moving a couch. A fun look to imitate to her friends the next day.

But let’s agree that titty fucking isn’t an adult decision. Titty fucking is like the couple that gets married after being together six years. If they were so sure, they would have gotten engaged two years earlier. Instead, they’re like, “Fine. Let’s just get this done.” If anything, it’s an open admission of the ferocity with which a guy wants to ejaculate. It’s a deliberate act to say that you don’t want to put the time and effort into earning a sexual partner. He’s getting off no matter what because he may never care to work up to this opportunity again. A passionate make out would have left two people wondering what was next. It would have given way to aspirations and a longing for more time spent together. Instead, you’re just two people looking for paper towels.

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