SEC fans are right when they say that there’s just something in the water that turns their gridiron heroes into winners.
The BCS National Championship has called the Southeastern Conference home for over the past seven years. It’s an unheard of reign of dominance in the modern era. 2,214 days of loudmouthed, boisterous, circle-jerking Dixie fans holding the rest of the nation hostage with their supposedly innate football supremacy.
You could give 10,000 people a guess as to what the cause of the SEC’s winning ways has been, and the answers would vary between supreme coaching, illegal recruiting and over-signing, and a beat-to-death Kristen Saban reference as beat-to-death as the friends of Kristen Saban who dare cross her. All 10,000 people would be wrong, to no fault of their own. After all, I don’t think anyone would have guessed that the secret to $EC success has been…
…deer antler spray?
Ever since David Epstein and George Dohrmann of Sports Illustrated broke this story, my brain has been left spinning like Austin Collie’s.
The SI.com piece is over 5,600 words, but here are the fundamentals of the newest scandal to sweep “God’s conference.”
For goodness sake, SEC country. First, it was buttchugging Franzia. Now, it’s deer antler substances. What kind of weird shit won’t you people spray into your bodies just to get an edge?
It has become exceedingly rare when a PED scandal sends shock waves in the age of Bonds, Armstrong, and Jeremy Lin (just face facts, TFM writer, Rockets fan, and New York Times best-selling author W.R. Bolen, Linsanity’s on the juice). But this is a whole ‘nother animal we’re dealing with here. No, literally. We are dealing with athletes using other species of animals to boost their performance capabilities. Can you even imagine the sort of enhancement they would have gotten from ingesting Saban’s devil horns? SOMEONE LOOK INTO THIS!
Look away! Look away! Look away Dixie Land!
No, really, look away. I’m trying to perform cunnilingus on Bambi. Maybe if I go straight to the source, I can finally kick a field goal.
*S-E-C!* *S-E-C!* *S-E-C!*