BREAKING: Alabama Crimson Tide Cheated During 2011 BCS Run

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Nice Move

7*

SEC fans are right when they say that there’s just something in the water that turns their gridiron heroes into winners.

The BCS National Championship has called the Southeastern Conference home for over the past seven years. It’s an unheard of reign of dominance in the modern era. 2,214 days of loudmouthed, boisterous, circle-jerking Dixie fans holding the rest of the nation hostage with their supposedly innate football supremacy.

You could give 10,000 people a guess as to what the cause of the SEC’s winning ways has been, and the answers would vary between supreme coaching, illegal recruiting and over-signing, and a beat-to-death Kristen Saban reference as beat-to-death as the friends of Kristen Saban who dare cross her. All 10,000 people would be wrong, to no fault of their own. After all, I don’t think anyone would have guessed that the secret to $EC success has been…

deer antler spray?

Ever since David Epstein and George Dohrmann of Sports Illustrated broke this story, my brain has been left spinning like Austin Collie’s.

The SI.com piece is over 5,600 words, but here are the fundamentals of the newest scandal to sweep “God’s conference.”

  • Deer antler spray is a spray that is used on deer antlers.
  • Deer antler spray contains IGF-1, which is a natural, anabolic hormone that stimulates muscle growth.
  • Athletes can abuse deer antler spray as an undetectable performance enhancing drug in order to heal quicker.
  • Athletes ingest the deer antler spray into their bodies by freezing it, and spraying the extract under their tongues.
  • IGF-1 is on the banned substance list of the NCAA, as well as every other major sports league.
  • The night before the 2012 BCS National Championship Game against LSU, University of Alabama football players came to the New Orleans Marriott hotel door of Christopher Key.
  • Christopher Key is the co-owner of S.W.A.T.S. (Sports with Alternatives to Steroids), a Birmingham-based sports supplement company.
  • Key gave the Crimson Tide players the banned substance, and warned them that taking the substance will leave them subject to “Taser-like” harm from all of the cell phone signals inside of the Superdome.
  • In order to rectify these internal shock waves, Key also gave the Alabama football players water laced with negatively-charged powder additive, as well as stickers known as “chips” that were to be placed over various acupuncture points, including the heart.
  • Key captured the entire ordeal on a hidden pen camera, and has shown the footage to Sports Illustrated.
  • Key told SI that he also sold 20 bottles of deer antler spray to players on the LSU football team before their 9-6 regular season victory over Alabama.
  • Key told SI that he also sold healing chips to Auburn during their 2010 BCS National Championship season.
  • Key further claims that he sold “healing bands” to players on this year’s Ole Miss and Georgia football teams.
  • Alabama issued a statement Tuesday night, stating, “UA has been aware of this situation for some time, and we have monitored this company for several years.”
  • Players from the SEC have reached out to Key as recent as this past Tuesday asking for more of the banned substance.

    For goodness sake, SEC country. First, it was buttchugging Franzia. Now, it’s deer antler substances. What kind of weird shit won’t you people spray into your bodies just to get an edge?

    It has become exceedingly rare when a PED scandal sends shock waves in the age of Bonds, Armstrong, and Jeremy Lin (just face facts, TFM writer, Rockets fan, and New York Times best-selling author W.R. Bolen, Linsanity’s on the juice). But this is a whole ‘nother animal we’re dealing with here. No, literally. We are dealing with athletes using other species of animals to boost their performance capabilities. Can you even imagine the sort of enhancement they would have gotten from ingesting Saban’s devil horns? SOMEONE LOOK INTO THIS!

    Look away! Look away! Look away Dixie Land!

    No, really, look away. I’m trying to perform cunnilingus on Bambi. Maybe if I go straight to the source, I can finally kick a field goal.

    *S-E-C!* *S-E-C!* *S-E-C!*

    [via Sports Illustrated and ESPN]

    ***


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      • Jon M Fratsman

        Fair enough. I’m gonna go with the tl;dr, but I think we can find some middle ground in the majority of football players being, as described below, high-functioning retards.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • Jon M Fratsman

        Supposedly healing “chips” and “bands”? What is this, Scientology? Prohibited substances are one thing, but those sort of gas-station gimmicks aren’t illegal or even against NCAA regs by a long shot.

        I’m not saying Auburn’s natty run wasn’t due to paying Cam Newton, but if the most their players did was get scammed into buying some useless trinkets, the only thing they’re guilty of is being complete dumbasses.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • J Parks

        Scratch that. An analogy more accurate than the Sosa example, I guess, would be buying cigarettes from a drug dealer. Circumstantial, weak, but leaves a lingering doubt.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • Frate Diem

        I didn’t see any dominant performances aside from Alabama and Ole Miss playing Pitt… Georgia was having trouble with Nebraska of all teams.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • J Parks

        Here’s the excerpt from SI:

        Key began by telling the players that there would be thousands of cellphones in the Superdome the following ni.ght and that frequencies from those phones would be swirling through their bodies. “They’re going to affect you guys very negatively,” Key said rapidly and with a twang. “We figured out a way to manipulate that so that you aren’t affected . . . [to] give you strength, give you balance, give you flexibility and help with pain.”
        Key asked 6’6″, 304-pound defensive end Quinton Dial to hold one arm out to his side and to keep the arm up when Key tried to push it down. Dial, who towered over the 5’8″ Key, did so easily. “Now I’m going to do nothing different,” Key told the players. “But I’m going to take two fingers, and I’m going to take his cellphone, and I’m going to just put it up against [Dial's] chest.” He turned back to Dial. “Take a deep breath, man up to me, O.K.?

        . . . Two fingers, everything you got on three, O.K.? One, two. . . .”
        This time, while holding the phone to Dial’s chest, Key easily forced the player’s arm down to his side. Dial smirked, bemused. “What happened,” Key said, “was the frequencies from the phone, as soon as they came into your energy field, they zapped ya, like a Taser.”

        And then Key passed out his remedy for the frequencies: stickers, which he calls chips, bearing holograms of a pyramid. Key told the players that on game day they should place the chips on three acupuncture points — one on the inside of each wrist before they tape their arms (the chips also come embedded in bracelets), and one over the heart. “It’s going to help your heart have so much more energy,” he said. “Come the fourth quarter, you guys will not be gassed at all.”

        So, from what I can tell, is that the Auburn chips part implies one of 2 things:

        1) Like you said, Fratsman, the Auburn players are retarded. (probably what happened)

        2) In the (less likely) alternative, the chips serve as circumstantial evidence that the Auburn players also took the deer spray. Thinking of it in another way, t’d be akin to finding needles in Sammy Sosa’s duffle bag, but no PEDs.

        tl;dr- My head ar with ouchsies.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • Frat Golf

        JP stop trying to be the next deadspin with the whole breaking story thing. You’re literally copy and pasting a half ass argument together.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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    1. Plan B is Plan A

      SI was the same magazine that sold America the Manti Te’o “girlfriend” story without doing any background checking whatsoever. Their journalistic credibility is a pile of dogshit at the moment.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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      • Plan B is Plan A

        Of course it’s horseshit. This Key guy was just upselling them a bunch of extra crap that doesn’t do anything on top of the actual working product, by convincing them that all of it works together. It’s the same technique car salesman use. Your average football player is a high-functioning retard so of course they’re going to believe it.

        ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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    2. GotEm

      What’s more annoying: JParks’ attempts at writing or the TFM Book banner at the bottom that won’t go away?

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
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