Breaking Down Maybe The Angriest Article Ever Directed At Fraternity Guys

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This column from Elite Daily, titled “College ‘Men’ Are the Worst,” is one of the angriest anti-frat boy pieces I’ve ever read, and I read a lot of these types of articles. Apparently we piss a fair amount people off. Who knew?

Just because I drink twenty-seven beers, flip you the bird, do the Degeneration X “suck it” gesture to the pizza guy in lieu of a tip, and steal all the Christmas decorations off an old couple’s lawn, doesn’t mean I’m not a nice guy. How dare I, for my behavior? How dare YOU, for telling me how I should express myself. Emotional expression is complex! The way today’s media portrays male figures does nothing but encourage my behavior. Am I really to blame? Now if you’ll excuse me a good friend of mine is coming in town to visit and I need to go buy a pellet gun so I can shoot him in the dick when he walks in my front door. It lets him know I care.

In all seriousness, this article by Kendall Wood, a recent alumna of Kappa Delta and Penn State, is nothing but a giant rant that leads to nowhere. According to her, college guys are dicks, because…BECAUSE! It’s all broad strokes and stereotypes. Let’s take a look at some choice selections.

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Four years of dealing with the sh*tstorm that is Greek life was long enough to gain a pretty solid understanding of the majority of the college-aged male population. From freshman to senior year, they experienced little to no growth in the maturity department or advancement of intellect. For some, there is hope, but for others, we send our deepest sympathies.

I feel like after four years, at a GIGANTIC school like Penn State, this becomes less the fault of college guys in general, and more the fault of the company one chooses to keep. To put it infinitely more eloquently than my friend from Penn State did when I asked about the author’s sorority, apparently Penn State’s Kappa Delta chapter is known for being exactly the type of girls that hang out with exactly the type of guys that the author goes on to describe.

This is assuming a fair amount on my part, to be sure, but still…things are starting to stack up here already.

The college-aged male population is seriously suffering from a little missing sense about what it takes to be a gentleman. I think I can speak for college women everywhere when I say, it’s time to grow the f*ck up and cut the sh*t.

To be perfectly honest, college guys don’t have what it takes to be a man. Hey, you in the cut off t-shirt, shorts and Timberlands, you might look slightly sexy, but you aren’t cool dude! Your lack of maturity and logic are what made you put on that outfit today. If you think you’re a man, then you should start dressing like one.

“Hey college guys! Your clothes are STUPID!” the author shouted, maturely.

The author’s first piece of advice about being more mature? Change the most superficial thing about you. Quality stuff. Also, why is every asshole at your school dressing like Mark Wahlberg circa 1993?

The term “date” doesn’t exist in the vocabulary of college guys. Taking a girl on a date doesn’t make you soft. Just because your friends are too dumb to get with it, doesn’t mean you have to follow suit like a puppy dog. Man up! If you’re into a girl, then ask her out to dinner. A dinner date, wow! What a concept.

Instead of taking women on dates and paying the small price for her meal, college boys are all about getting wasted and laying the pipe.

Hey! I had a loving, fun, and rewarding two-year relationship start with a sloppy hook up. We were making out on top of half-finished Greek Week props. By the end of it her hair was full of sawdust, and my heart full of love. We eventually went on lots of dinner dates, but we totally had sex before any of that.

Please stop basing what a love life should be on whatever shitty sitcoms you happen to be watching tell you it should be. Dinner is not a necessary prerequisite for a relationship, nor is a guy automatically not a gentleman if he happens to pull out before he pulls out a chair. Relationships start all sorts of different ways. A mature person would know that.

College dudes also like to pretend they have no feelings; apparently, they’re superhuman!

You might want to amend that to just men in general. I haven’t cried since I was like 11, and everyone who was at all my family funerals since then can just deal with it. GRANDMA KNOWS HOW I FEEL! I don’t plan on crying again unless Mizzou wins a national championship, in which case tears of joy will stream down my face like two salty rivers of happiness. Suffice it to say these eyes are probably going to the grave dry.

Another major downfall to the college-aged male population: they’re inconsiderate.

Because they won’t buy you food?

We’ve all seen our fair share of walk-of-shamers (or stride-of-priders) strutting home in the morning in their unfortunate looking glory. Boys, have you ever done this? It is mortifying.

I’ve totally done it, but not in a world in which it’s often considered shameful for men to get laid. Though, if everyone who saw me making my stride of pride knew the quality of lover I was walking home from, it would have been awful.

“Just look cocky and everyone will think you banged an 8, they have no idea you’re about to go home and soak your wiener in bleach.”

Your lack of consideration forces women to let the whole world know that they gave it up last night. Either you have a car, your boy has a car or one of the 50 plus guys living in the frat house has a car that you can borrow for the five-minute ride home.

Uh, what if you have a sweet parking spot that you don’t want to give up? Have you ever tried to park on a campus? No offense, but I would rather have strangers assume that you’re going to hell (since you’re actually not) than go through the ACTUAL hell of looking for parking on any given college campus. That says nothing of the fact that on most campuses sorority houses are so close to fraternity houses that driving would be wildly impractical.

Another thing you need to work on is having a little consideration for your exes. Hooking up with a new fling in front of your ex-lady is disrespectful. How would you feel if you spotted her rubbing up on some dude’s chub on the dance floor? Don’t do to her what you wouldn’t want done to you.

Is that a joke? If you’re in a college town, like say University Park, where Penn State is located, or Columbia, where Mizzou is located, there are a small number of bars you can go to. If your ex shows up, and you’re with someone new, say someone you want to take out to dinner, you’re not going to be like, “Oh hey, my ex is here, we should probably stop hitting it off and leave.” Sorry, but that’s a risk you run in a college town. Why don’t you grow up and deal with it. What a fucking stupid thing to complain about.

Too many college boys are guilty of cheating, and too many college girls let the appeal of someone else’s boyfriend outweigh what’s morally right. The real problem here is the college dudes. Your girlfriend obviously has little value to you if you’re off putting your penis in everyone else. No one girl can steal a man from another; he willingly goes.

HA! No. He does not always willingly go. He may sometimes willingly go, but not always. Chris Rock sums it up best, so I’m going to let him do the work.

Have I cheated? Yes. Have I ever CHASED it while having a girlfriend? No. But sometimes you have too much to drink and the girl won’t leave you alone. If willingness can be called into question when a girl is intoxicated and hooks up, it should CERTAINLY be able to be called into question when a man is in the same situation. It’s a shitty set of circumstances, and it does happen. Cheating, at least in college, is far more of an apathetic act than a malicious one. A drunken apathetic act at that. Does that make it better? Only a little.

Oh, and also, girls cheat in college. They do it all the time. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “Just so you know I have a boyfriend” mid-bra removal.

You are not the sh*t because you have a naked girl in your bed. The verbal details about how she looks naked are also not meant for anyone else.

So when your sorority sisters ask you how he was, and how big he was, that’s off limits too? I call so much bullshit here. Again, this isn’t a college guy thing, this is a man thing. This will only stop happening once the guy gets married, but by that point his buddies have heard enough.

To all you college guys out there, the next time you tell a woman she’s crazy, sensitive, emotional, defensive, dramatic or overreacting, you’ll know it’s because your obscenities make her that way. In the words of the hilarious and beloved George Carlin, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

The conclusion is my favorite part. This article, which was intended to be a strong willed female essay, ends with a more than implied notion that female sensibility and existence is dependent on their male counterparts, however negative it may be. Irony rules when it’s not on a hipster’s t-shirt. No, women are not crazy because men are stupid. Women are crazy because women are crazy. It’s in your DNA. Men are stupid because men are stupid. It’s in our DNA. The George Carlin quote doesn’t work. Far more applicable would be Louis C.K.’s breakdown of boys and girls.

College men aren’t the worst. Fraternity men aren’t the worst. In fact, why are they assholes if they’re apparently so plain with their intentions? They want to drink and fuck and they’re upfront about it? Let them. There are women who want to do the same. There are also fraternity guys who want to date. At a school as big as Penn State, you should have been able to find all kinds of guys, if you didn’t, you clearly weren’t looking hard enough.

[via Elite Daily]

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