I absolutely love lists like these. “The 11 Best Colleges for ‘B’ Students” is what it’s called, and sure…why not? Who are we to know if it’s right or wrong? On what parameter was this list created was the first thing I wondered, and apparently they actually took this shit seriously:
-SAT 75th percentile score less than or equal to 1,350 (based on Critical Reading and Math)
-SAT 25th percentile score greater than or equal to 980 (based on Critical Reading and Math)
-ACT Composite 75th percentile score less than or equal to 30
-ACT Composite 25th percentile score greater than or equal to 20
-Proportion of freshmen from the top 10 percent of their high school class less than or equal to 50 percent (for National —Universities and National Liberal Arts Colleges only)
-Proportion of freshmen from the top 25 percent of their high school class less than or equal to 80 percent
-Proportion of freshmen from the top 25 percent of their high school class greater than or equal to 40 percent
-Average freshman retention rate greater than or equal to 75 percent
Look, just pick 11 schools that aren’t that hard to get into, and that everyone has heard of at some point, and call it a day. In fact, I’m a slightly above average guy, so I feel I have the capability to decide as to whether or not these schools are worth my slightly above average time. So without further ado, here are the 11 best schools to go be slightly better than satisfactory at:
Number 11: Pepperdine University
Location: Malibu, California
Pepperdine has approximately 7,700 students and has a campus that overlooks the Pacific Ocean. Also, it is located in Malibu. Hey, list maker, take all those formulas for why this a good school to attend for ‘B students’ and shove them straight up your formula making ass. I’ve got my own reasons for why this is a good school for B students: ‘B’ is also for beaches, babes, bikinis, butts, boobs, beer, and Botox. I imagine Malibu runs rampant with these. Sign me up!
Number 10: Fordham University
Location: Bronx, New York
Talk about going from one geographical extreme to the other. We went from sunny Malibu to the cold and wet “Jesuit University of New York.” Anyway, Fordham has around 50 different majors to enroll in and I just don’t give a shit. I’m not interested in going to school in the Bronx, y’all. Unless someone can change my mind, I’m going to pass on this one.
Number 9: Syracuse University
Location: Syracuse, New York
Dammit, get me out of Upstate New York already. Jim Boheim. That’s all I got. Syracuse University has a basketball team. Ernie Davis and Jim Brown went there, as well, but so did Joe Biden. So, no matter what you do, Joe Biden is a big turd in Syracuse’s punch bowl. Pass.
Number 8: Purdue University
Location: West Lafayette, Indiana
Purdue isn’t so bad if you’re into the Midwest experience. The least surprising thing about Purdue is their male-to-female ratio. It’s 85 percent dudes. I’m pretty sure The Citadel has a better ratio. I don’t understand how that happens, but the numbers don’t lie. All in all, Purdue is a good place to go to school. It has around 200 undergrad majors to choose from and a decent sports program. But then again…chicks, man. Chicks. I’ll pass.
Number 7: Rutgers University
Location: New Brunswick, New Jersey
This list is really pissing me off. I was a B student and when it came time to go to college, you know where I didn’t want to go? New fucking Jersey. While deciding which school to attend it had nothing to do with academia. Well, it kind of did. My selection went like this: southern, football, academics. As a recent graduate, though, I can attest to the fact that it’s more about who you know and how well you present yourself when it comes to employment opportunities. Anyway, Rutgers: it’s in New Jersey and it’s not Princeton. Nope.
Number 6: Michigan State University
Location: East Lancing, Michigan
Michigan State is a school I just can’t make a decision on. I’d compare it a hot chick that has some type of abnormality, like an oversized clitoris. It’s okay, but it’s just odd. MSU does have a stellar undergraduate program though with plenty of majors and organizations to enroll in. Plus, their athletics are always relevant. And then there’s Lupe Izzo. Screw it: sign me up.
Number 5: University of Iowa
Location: Iowa City, Iowa
I just can’t get excited about a school in the Midwest. For me personally, it’s got to be in the south and with close proximity to the coast (preferably east coast or gulf coast). Also, Iowa is known for its specialized focus with the teaching, research, and service industry. So there’s that. At the end of the day, though, you’re going to school in Iowa City. No fucking thanks.
Number 4: University of Delaware
Location: Newark, Delaware
University of Delaware is another one of those schools that if I am a solid B student, I’m not exactly stoked to be accepted into. If any TFM users read this article and attend UD, please tell me why. I don’t hate the school by any means, I just don’t understand why you would want to go there. Isn’t there like a screen door factory or something in Delaware? That’s about it, right?
Number 3: Baylor University
Location: Waco, Texas
Fucking finally. I was beginning to wonder if a southern school was ever going to make an appearance. Look, I understand that Baylor isn’t exactly the first choice for most, but who cares. At least at Baylor you have something to get excited about: football and warm weather and everything that those beautiful things bring about (beer and women). Greek life ain’t too shabby either from what I hear. I’d attend.
Number 2: SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry Mighty Oaks
Location: I don’t care enough to Google it, New York
Real quick: nope. I’m going to go chop down a mighty oak tree now just to spite the fact that this goddam school made the list. Also, know that I have absolutely no idea about SUNYCESF, but after typing out SUNYCESF I realized I don’t care. Any SUNYCESF TFM users out there?
Number 1: University of Nick Saban
Location: Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Alabama coming in at the one spot. Goddamn, Crimson Tide. They just have to be number one at everything right now, huh? I’ll go there just because it puts me one step closer to Saban’s daughter.
So, that’s the list. Take it for what it’s worth. If your school is on there, crack a beer for being awesome at getting Bs all your life. If your school made the list and it’s SUNYCESF, then plant a tree and celebrate. Go Mighty Oaks!
[via Huffington Post]
Image via NBC Sports