Anyone who says that college is not the best time of your life clearly did it wrong. At no other point do you have as much personal freedom and as little responsibility than these 4 or 5 years. A few months ago, I wrote about the women who play a pivotal role in these formative years. Now this one’s for the boys. Here are the friends every guy has in his college crew.
Right Hand Man
He’s the Roger Murtaugh to your Martin Riggs, the George Costanza to your Jerry Seinfeld, the Shawn Hunter to your Cory Matthews…yeah, you get the point. He’s your freshman roommate, your fraternity pledge brother, or just some asshole you clicked with at a dorm party after running the beer pong table all night. You two are essentially inseparable from that point forward. Whether you’re just hanging out playing Fifa, spitting fire at some game, or pounding brews, he’s right by your side. He’ll be the first one to bust your balls and makes it a point to never let you live down any regrettable action — especially that time you hooked up with Shamu. He’s your partner in crime and all the drunken shenanigans you get into together are moments you’ll look back at as the best times of your life.
The Stable One
Where the Right Hand Man is the guy next to you in the jail cell, the stable friend is the one bailing you two out. He’s had his shit together since stepping foot on campus. He’s typically majoring in something like pre-med or engineering, is the president of your fraternity or student government, has 3 or more internships, and has been wifed up since high school. He’ll call it a night by 11pm on a Saturday, but pick your drunk ass up on the side of the road at 3 in the morning if you need him to. He’s as dependable as they come, and you have no idea why he’s friends with such degenerate fucks like you and your boys, but you’re thankful, nonetheless.
The Rage Monster
He’s the guy you want on your side in a fight. He’s also the guy who goes out of his way to start said fight. He’s a complete enigma, the wildcard of the bunch, and you’re always on edge when he’s around. Ironically, he’s also the one who takes the brunt of insults in your group of buddies. Much laughter is had at his expense — that is, until he snaps and grabs the machete. He’s a dangerous combination of steroids, pre-workout, and pent up sexual frustration rolled into one big ticking time bomb. At some point he’ll put a hole into several walls…with his head. However, at the end of the day, for all these downfalls, he makes up for it with his ride-or-die mentality. He’s as loyal as it comes, and you’re thankful to have him on your team.
Mr. No Show
If there’s one thing you can count on with the guy, it’s not to count on him. Intramural sports, tailgate, his own birthday celebration…it doesn’t matter, he won’t be there. He’s by far the sketchiest guy in your group, and goes completely off the grid for weeks at a time. You’ll know this guy for years, without ever actually knowing him at all.
The Funny Fat Guy
This guy has been an offensive lineman his entire life. Since girls are shallow as shit in high school, this kid had to develop an elite sense of humor, because the only kids who get laid less than the funny fat kid is the serious fat kid. He’s quick witted, chock-full of one liners, and will rip on anyone, especially The Rage Monster.
At first glance, there’s nothing special about this kid, he just seems like a pretty basic dude. Then, the first flag football game comes around and this guy turns into Calvin Johnson catching everything thrown his way. When you’re out at the bar, he’s leaving with a solid 9 around his arms. What’s that? Oh, he just pulled a 4.0 for the 5th straight semester. He’ll constantly keep surprising you while simultaneously pissing you off for his ability to turn everything he touches into gold..