When news of the Pike Butt Chugging story first slipped out of Knoxville, Tennessee, like a well lubricated beer bong exiting a young man’s freshly enema’d rectum, people could hardly believe what they were reading. A bunch of fraternity men did WHAT? With WHAT? In WHAT? In their bottoms!?! The story spread like wildfire, if that wildfire happened to have taken place in a charcoal forest during a gasoline rainstorm. Thank you internet. Unfortunately for the main party involved, Alexander “Xander” Broughton, this story had staying power, as crazy party stories involving stuff going up people’s asses often do.
There have been a lot of versions of the Pike butt chugging story, though essentially all those different versions can be boiled down to two different sides, one being “Lawl, he put stuff up his ass,” and the other being “NO I/HE FUCKING DIDN’T!!!!” In the hopes of putting the whole debate to rest, Xander Broughton and his attorney held a press conference at the University of Tennessee yesterday. As you can imagine, any press conference that is centered around whether or not someone put something up their ass is going to be pretty ridiculous. Needless to say the butt chugging press conference did not dissapoint. But before we dive into the finer points of what actually may have been the press conference of the century, let’s review the path that brought us to it.
The original story that came out was as follows: Xander Broughton, a Pi Kappa Alpha (Pike) at the University of Tennessee, was at the Pike house on Friday September 21st, partying with his fraternity brothers. Sometime after midnight Broughton became unresponsive due to his blood alcohol level. He was dropped off at the UT Medical Center at 1:30am. At some point before then he had shit his pants. At the hospital he was treated for alcohol poisoning. He had a BAC over .40. University of Tennessee police were alerted and after some “investigating” they determined that Broughton had been engaging in alcohol enemas, or as today’s crazy, ass obsessed kids call it, “butt chugging.” It was later reported that Broughton had been specifically butt chugging Franzia, the boxed wine popular with Greeks and Italian restaurants in West Virginia. After the story broke Pike’s advisors decided to suspend the chapter for thirty days pending an investigation.
On September 26th the University of Tennessee police spoke with Xander Broughton and filed the following police report.
As you can see, Broughton admits to drinking Franzia, in a “Tour de Franzia,” but vehemently denies this tour ever had a “tunnel stage” in his ass.
The claims that Xander Broughton had butt chugged boxed wine (that never gets old to write by the way) were also refuted by his uncle, Jim Broughton, in a letter that was published on September 28th in the Daily Beacon, UT’s school newspaper. Jim Broughton claimed that although his nephew was drinking heavily, no object ever crossed the sacred threshold that is Xander Broughton’s sphincter. He also stated that the brother who gave the initial statement about butt chugging occurring at the Pike House, J.P. Carney, has since claimed to have never given such a statement and he has signed a sworn affidavit to that effect. Jim Broughton went on to lambast the media and the UT police department for their irresponsible release of information and lack of a more thorough investigation into the matter. I assume this means they just gave Broughton’s asshole the old eye ball test. Next time AT LEAST use a magnifying glass. Jim Broughton also assured the world, via this letter to the student newspaper, that his nephew was NOT a “sadistic pervert.”
On October 2nd the
long awaited completely unexpected press conference from Xander Broughton and his attorney finally happened. The general message of the press conference was essentially the same as Jim Broughton’s letter to the Daily Beacon. “There was nothing up his ass, he’s not a perv, you’re all douche bags, and oh by the way did I mention there was nothing up his ass, because that’s really important, I don’t want you to miss that one.” While the message may have been expected, the delivery was, well, it was unbelievable. Below are two different videos of the press conference. Both well worth watching before they get broken down.
There’s so much to address here, but let’s start with the minor and work towards the most important.
The UT Pikes are out IN FORCE. Good on them to support their brother, though their dress and demeanor make it look as if Xander Broughton has an entire detail of stone faced Secret Service agents behind him, ready to protect the integrity of his b-hole at a moment’s notice. Is it ironic that the expressions all the Pikes are wearing on their faces actually make it look like they all have something up their asses? When the president is introduced he moves to the attorney’s right in full BOSS MODE, at least that’s how I’m sure he felt. In actuality he sort of just looks like an idiot. To all the Pikes who wore sunglasses to this press conference: Sunglasses with suits are fine, but wearing croakies with a full suit makes you look like a fucking moron. Don’t worry, I’m sure your Costas will stay on your head just fine as you’re standing there literally NOT MOVING an inch. Croakies probably aren’t necessary.
I have to start out by saying that Xander Broughton’s attorney, Daniel McGehee, immediately reminded me of this guy:
Maybe it was the fact that McGehee looks so southern, or maybe it’s because he’s apparently prone to say completely random shit right along the lines of “I thought you were corn.” Getting Broughton’s name wrong, correcting himself, and then explaining that Broughton was a Scottish name was a nice little sequence of public speaking incompetence. I also enjoyed his folksy “the list is as long as your arm.” I really hope that just off camera there was a midget with a microphone.
I have no doubt that McGehee is an expensive, reputable attorney, but holy shit could that guy use a teleprompter. The whole press conference sounded like Broughton and McGehee decided to have it an hour before it happened, ran into the Pike house and shouted down the hallways for everyone to assemble as if sorority dinner speakers had just walked in, and then walked to a random spot on campus and waited for the press to show up.
It needs to be pointed out that in a little over five minutes Daniel McGeHee uses the words “butt chugging” six times. Meanwhile the term “alcohol enema” is used once, maybe twice. I know the stereotype is that southern lawyers like to be a little more casual, I mean being grilled by Matlock about a rape/double homicide was like having a conversation with your grandfather over lemonades, but still I think McGeHee would have served himself and his client a little better by avoiding the term butt chugging as much as possible. The words “butt chugging” come out of McGeHee’s mouth about as naturally as a beer bong goes into an asshole.
Between what McGehee said on Xander’s behalf and what Xander said himself, there are several things to take away. First, I do not believe for one second that Xander Broughton didn’t know what “butt chugging” was prior to waking up in the hospital, whether or not he was actually pouring white zinfandel into his anus like it was a lonely house wife’s wine glass. It’s called BUTT CHUGGING. It’s self explanatory. You chug…with your butt. It’s not some crazy, cryptic street slang like “Back doh’ vino.” I’ve never butt chugged and I knew what it was prior to reading the story. Both because I have a solid grasp of the English language and because I’ve seen Jackass.
Second, and again this is important, please stop saying “butt chugging.” That is not a word that should ever be said with a straight face. I think all the Pikes behind Broughton and McGeHee had such icy expressions because without trying as hard as they could to make a serious face they all would have been dying laughing. I know my fraternity brothers would have, because they’re bastards. My guess so are all of yours and so are his, but in a brotherly way. You know what I mean. Alcohol enema is the appropriate term. It sounds painful and serious. Butt chugging meanwhile is one of the funniest terms in existence, definitely now if it wasn’t already.
The third thing that jumps out at me is how over-the-top worried Broughton is about people thinking he’s gay. Xander Broughton would like you to know that he SLAYS PUSSY. Considering how often Broughton and his attorney use the term “butt chugging” I’m surprised they did just say “Xander Broughton would like you all to know that he is a fully certified cooz hound. Ain’t no dick queers standing in front of you today.”
But really? That’s your big concern? That people think you suck dick, son? Do you know how much more statistically normal it would have been for you to have sucked a dick than to have allegedly shoved a beer bong into your ass and poured wine down it? If you had gotten caught doing something gay this wouldn’t be international news and the story would have blown over by now. What you are being accused of doing isn’t gay. It’s weird, off putting, hysterical, and twenty shades of “how fucking stupid could you possibly be?” Do you think this would be any less of a story if instead of your fraternity brothers being there it was ten Thai hookers? Or even sorority girls? Granted, the fact that you were only with other dudes gives this story a homosexual twist, and that makes it even funnier. But the sexual orientation of the alleged act is not a concern at all. I mean yeah, sure there are probably already like twenty gay pornos based off your story in production, but the act itself isn’t inherently gay. So either Broughton an idiot or methinks he doth protest too straight. That to me might be the biggest sign that he’s lying, though I don’t think he is.
One thing comes across more than anything else in this press conference; Xander Broughton is FUCKING PISSED. I loved at the end of the second video when he responds to the question, “You seem angry,” by saying “Pfffft! Well wouldn’t you be!?!” Goddamn right! I respect that anger, because if this is all bullshit then he SHOULD be pissed. Really pissed. I will say though, it would have been amazing to see his response if the reporter had added, “I mean really, what’s up your butt Xander?” Missed opportunity. I hate the media. This is why I should’ve been sent to the scene to report.
Xander’s thinly veiled rage is the only thing that allows me to give him somewhat of a free pass on the many, many stupid things that occurred throughout this press conference, like saying “butt chugging” too much or confusing clarifying your sexual orientation with defending your character. That said, his attorney should have LEAPT back in front of the microphones as soon as Xander was done with his prepared statements. Responding to a question with, “it’s a long story” never makes you sound innocent.
Hopefully when Xander said “the inaccurate reporting this past week has caused me to question institutions that most of us accept as truthful,” he wasn’t referencing TFM News. We can’t take that sort of hit to our credibility.
The Written Statement
If you’re inclined to be understanding (which isn’t exactly something this readership generally does) then the press conference’s jaw dropping, hilarious failure can simply be blamed on its improvised nature. But you’re going to have trouble finding any excuse for how bad the written statement turned out to be. It’s a winding tale of misunderstandings, pants crappings, lies, drunken shenanigans, campus police incompetency, and even more reassurances that Xander Broughton isn’t into dudes. We get it chief, you handle more box than FedEx. Though I have to say, it’s a little ironic that you’re telling us you aren’t gay and then going on to reference Dorothy and The Wizard of Oz. No really, there’s multiple (really terrible) Wizard of Oz references made. Daniel McGeHee probably should have proofread this badboy before sending it out to the public.
You can read the written statement here.
If what Xander Broughton is claiming turns out to be true, then the UT Police Department could be fucked. Here I am with an interesting dilema. I’m inclined to believe Xander, and would love to see campus cops punished for their wild, unchecked incompetence. But on the other hand, I would laugh really hard if this all turned out to be true.
Regardless, this press conference was a nightmare for the accused, and the funniest thing that was maybe ever filmed for everyone else. Butt chugging. A press conference about fucking butt chugging. It’s a TFM.