Breaking Down The Pros And Cons Of Various Beach Sex Locations

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Beach Sex

The beach is the place to be when the weather is hot. Babes in bikinis and the majesty of the ocean are a recipe for success. People go to the beach for one of two reasons: to yell at their kids or to hunt for trim. If you fall into the latter category, you know that sex on the coast is a dangerous game. Open spaces and an abundance of grainy sand makes things difficult. If you’re looking for the best place to unleash your salty spray, take note of the following pros, cons, and opportunities.

The Shore

Pros: Easy access, spontaneous, plenty of places to shoot your seed.

Cons: High visibility, sand fucking everywhere, judgmental law enforcement.

Opportunities: Post-coitus sand castles, pantsless chases down the beach, ruined towels.

Anyone who hasn’t got some on the beach thinks it’s some magical experience, but I can assure you it is not. Even with the addition of a towel, you’re going to get sand in places it has no earthly business being. Plus, if you’re not getting down in the middle of the night, you’re basically out in the open. That’s good for any exhibitionists out there, but for the more vanilla types, it’s just an unnecessary risk. Be prepared to make a break for it.

Recommended For: Hopeless Stupid romantics.

The Ocean

Pros: Subtle, warm, wet.

Cons: Feels terrible, high probability of infection, a disgruntled partner.

Opportunities: SPLASH FIGHT! Fish docking (if you’re into that).

The surf is almost as terrible as the sand. Have you boned in a pool or hot tub? Add some salt and poop to that equation, and you have ocean sex. Luckily, you can be a little subtle when you’re waist/chest deep in the depths, so that cuts down on a number of visibility issues. Your visibility, however, is heavily diminished below the waist. Not keeping an eye on your peen means that you have a chance to slip out and get a minnow in an orifice you won’t enjoy. On your date’s hand, however, she might enjoy a wiggly little creature going nuts on her downstairs.

Recommended For: Fish fetishists

A Parked Car

Pros: Discreet and out of the way, intimate, clean.

Cons: Hot as balls, vanilla.

Opportunities: Scaring a passerby.

Car sex is what it is. You’re having sex in a movable house, but there’s an ocean a few yards away. The summer sun means that the temperature is going to skyrocket unless you’re lucky enough to have air conditioning. It’s all fun and games until you pass out from dehydration. Add to that the fact that you’re, again, just boning in your car (which you can do just about anywhere), and it’s adding discomfort to a pretty great situation.

Recommended For: Boring lays

A Nearby House (Not Yours)

Pros: Familiar, safe (ish), sneaky.

Cons: You’re a criminal, getting walked in on.

Opportunities: Raiding the pantry, adding to your rap sheet.

Come on, man, that’s not your bed. They could be back at any time. What if there’s a kid sleeping somewhere here? Little dude might have a bad dream and come in for his mom and dad but end up having a staring contest with your brown eye. That’s how Tommy got so fucked up, you douche. I don’t know how you’re going to live with yourself.

Recommended For: Assholes

Beach House (Yours)

Pros: You’re rich because you own a beach house

Cons: Chance of flooding

Opportunities: All the puss

Flash your cash and get some ass. Once you get a big room full of bad bitches, you’re going to be the one railing them out on a king bed. Just be prepared to clean up all the water damage.

Happy humping!

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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