Breaking Down the University of Dayton Sigma Chi’s Drunken Mini-Mart Rampage

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Anyone who has ever been on a bus ride to formal knows that it is one of the great shitshows in all of Greek Life. Everyone is blackout, someone is getting finger blasted in the bathroom or OTPHJ’d in their seat, and nobody is giving any fucks…about anything. Goddammit do I miss formal bus rides.

But before you go claiming that your formal bus ride was all kinds of depraved, know that the Sigma Chi chapter from the University of Dayton just raised the bar for bus ride mayhem.

Madison County Prosecutor Steve Pronai will meet with officials from the University of Dayton this week to discuss possible criminal charges against 80 students who allegedly vandalized a Choctaw Lake mini-mart in a drunken rampage on Saturday, Nov. 17.

This story already has it all. Criminal charges? Check. Vandalized property? Check. Choctaw Lake? Not important, but check. A huge number of people? Check. The news is even describing the incident as a “drunken rampage.” This isn’t typical media hyperbole either, I’d almost go as far as to say that “drunken rampage” is a tempered description. Having read the report, this routine piss break sounds like it turned into a full-on riot, like early 90’s LA, except everyone is a privileged white kid and instead of looting people were just peeing and jizzing everywhere. But to be fair there was also looting, if you count shotgunning stolen beers in the mini-mart walk in as looting. I do.

Trouble surfaced at 5:25 p.m. Nov. 17 when a Lake Side employee called 9-1-1, saying a large group of people were drunk and fighting in the store. Additional 9-1-1 calls said people were damaging the business and “flashing” their genitals to customers in the parking lot.

I actually found the transcripts for those 9-1-1 calls.

***

Operator: 9-1-1 emergency, how can I help you?

Clerk: Yeah about 80 drunk kids just walked into my store. They all have dead, glassy eyes and three of them told me to swallow a “knife-dick” after I said hello. I think there’s going to be problems, can you send an officer?

Operator: Are they causing any disturbances?

Clerk: Um, there’s a small one, he appears to be a freshman, he’s cowering in the corner while a group of older boys are throwing hot dogs at him and rhetorically asking why he likes wieners so much.

Operator: Have they paid for the hot dogs?

Clerk: No of course not.

Operator: Does the young boy actually like the wieners?

Clerk: What? Does he like hot dogs? I don’t know. Maybe. But they’re throwing them at his mouth…pretty hard. And they’re using them as a euphemism for penises.

Operator: We’ll send an officer right away.

Clerk: Maybe send like five.

(10 Minutes Later)

Operator: 9-1-1 emergency, how can I help you?

Clerk: Yeah so those drunk people I called about earlier started pulling their pants down and waving their penises at customers.

Operator: Waving their penises how?

Clerk: Does it really matter? I’m just saying, you still haven’t sent any officers, and now this mob is putting on an aggressive peep show. One of them got in an old woman’s face, screamed “meat spin” and then started rapidly shaking it in a circle.

Operator: Shaking the meat? What kind of meat?

Clerk: His penis! And then he started asking graphic questions about her privates. I think at one point he asked if her vagina resembled an old fashioned feather duster?

Operator: In that her vagina is supposed to be dusty and hairy?

Clerk: I guess?

Operator: We’ll send an officer right away.

Clerk: Maybe send like ten.

(20 Minutes Later)

Operator: 9-1-1 emergency, how can I help you?

Clerk: (*crying, exhausted*) It’s…it’s mayhem. Pure mayhem. Oh God. The humanity! The aisles of the store are running a weird brownish tan color with tears, whiskey, and semen! It smells HORRIBLE!

Operator: What’s the problem?

Clerk: Are you fucking kidding me!?! This is the third time I’ve called! You’ve still sent no police! These kids have taken over the store. In only a half hour there’s been three separate fires, at least forty-seven instances of sexual misconduct, I had to give the Heimlich to some 18-year-old choking on a hot dog, someone took a dump off the roof, and all the liquor is gone. ALL THE LIQUOR.

Operator: Calm down. Where are you located?

Clerk: The Choctaw Lake mini-mart but it may as well be Somalia. They’ve taken over the store, blocked off all the entrances and exits. They’ve stolen the tires off all the cars, covered them in gasoline, and started a tire fire. They’ve even set up a provisional governing body based on the authority of a conch shell. Where did they get the conch!?!? Plus someone had a threesome in the dumpster with their date and our Dale Earnhardt Junior life sized cutout. It’s ruined.

Operator: The dumpster or the cutout?

Clerk: The cutout! The dumpster’s fine, I guess.

Operator: Okay we’re sending the police.

Clerk: Send the SWAT team! Send the fire department! Send everyone!

Operator: Everyone?

Clerk: EVER-Y-ONE!

***

Deputy Vaughn Apel arrived at the store to find people running in and out, yelling obscenities and standing on vehicles in the lot and on fuel pumps. Some fled to the waiting buses when they spotted Apel.

To me this is the funniest imagery in the whole article. Shitfaced Sigma Chis and their dates peeking out of the bus windows, hoping the police don’t notice the hilariously conspicuous damage they have caused.

“Do you think the cops saw me stand on that car and flip off families while I pissed on the windshield?”

Inside, Apel saw broken glass and liquid on the floor.

The aforementioned whiskey, jizz, and tears.

Two men were urinating openly.

Whoops, add pee to that list.

A check of restrooms showed urine on the floor and walls and used condoms in the sink. Some students were allegedly seen having sex in a nearby dumpster.

Condoms. NF. Having sex in a dumpster. TFTC.

I really hope that isn’t an exaggeration and someone actually convinced their date to climb into a dumpster and fuck. You have to be a handsome son of a bitch to convince someone to bang you in a dumpster. Well, either that or a homeless rapist.

A large number of open beer cans were left abandoned in the store’s walk-in cooler.

We’re going to coin a new term here: “frat looting.” That’s what this was.

Four men who said they were in charge of the group provided deputies with details of the trip to Columbus and offered to pay the business for damages.

Dear God. Never run for president of your fraternity. This is every president’s worst nightmare come to life. This frat riot was a date rape and a hazing death away from being the ultimate presidential worst-case scenario. Thank God all that bathroom and dumpster sex was consensual, which is a first for dumpster sex.

Sheriff Jim Sabin remains puzzled about circumstances that led to the incident.

Let me break it down for you sheriff.

Some fraternity men aren’t looking for anything logical. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some fraternity men just want to watch the world burn…and fuck in dumpster.

Deputies John Lisska and Jacob Gibson arrived to take photos of the scene…

Someone get me those photos.

The students were advised of their rights and told charges may be filed.

Yeah I’m guessing there’s going to be some charges. Miraculously no charges are being filed, but the fraternity has been suspended.

This is one of the greatest fraternity rage stories of all time, in my opinion, and here’s why: this didn’t even happen during a party. This happened during a pre-game on the way home from a party. They weren’t even at full energy anymore. I can only imagine what happened at the formal. It was probably part Mardi Gras, part prison riot; the type of event that would give Joe Francis a herpes flare up purely from excitement.

This was Goddamn impressive.

[h/t to reader @prmulvihill]

[Source]

***


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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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Comments

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  1. 0
    Bubba Golf

    It happened on the way back from a date party in Columbus and the newspaper today said the owner wasn’t going to press charges. It was hell of a time.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Douglas MacArthur

    As funny as this is to read, and I would definitely like to see the pics, these guys are a bunch of fucking idiots. Conduct yourself like men or at least something resembling a man out in public.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0
    Tallapoosa Snu

    Fucking fantastic… I laughed my ass off the whole time. Bacon, you sumbitch, you did it again. New life goal: dumpster sex with a sorostitute.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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