Bring Back Bullying

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Nice Move

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I’m here to speak up on a serious subject matter on behalf of very real, innocent victims that cannot form the competent sentences on their own. They come from a small fishing village much like yours or mine, but have trouble getting through to others with their written or spoken word. Irony, wit, and overall general intelligence just go completely over their heads, so they are often left to fend for themselves the only way they know how — with sheer brute force and simple observational verbal jabs. All these kids want is the acceptance and love of their peers that their parents never gave them, but our modern society has deemed them inadequate, cancerous people that need to be cut out of existence altogether.

Like the Japanese-Americans put in internment camps during World War II, they are senselessly persecuted and targeted solely on appearance, and this oppression must end. Our nation has made massive strides towards inclusion over the last few decades and it’s about damn time this group got their own fair shake. We need to put the kibosh on anti-bullying laws and be more tolerant of bullies’ life choices.

It wasn’t always this bleak for my people. For years we roamed freely throughout the land, taking the lunch money and confidence of the physically frail before cramming them into hallway lockers. Nerds were put in their place — toilet bowls — nationwide, being painfully awkward wasn’t celebrated, and the economy was stimulated by sky high underwear sales. My people pushed others towards greatness and innovation. We were the truly inspiring, not these fraudulent self-help life coaches that are downright stealing millions of dollars a year. Us bullies came at a much cheaper rate — about the price of your average boxed milk carton a day — and we are a proven commodity. Our list of success stories is seemingly endless. Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Taylor Swift, even Mike fucking Tyson were all products of the built-by-bully program.

But now? Now I fear for this current generation that is growing up in this anti-bully establishment. Without anyone to put the weirdos in check, how do we avoid becoming a country of soft, socially inept, unmotivated, eccentric assholes? Overcoming adversity during your adolescence is key in the development of your character, beliefs, standards, talents, style, creativity, sense of humor, cleverness, and overall skills that make you an all-around endurable individual. By cracking down on bullies, you are robbing children of a proper maturation process and the world of both prodigies and normal, grounded human beings.

Us bullies are the backbone of America. By making fun of your cleft lip, pantsing you in front of all the girls in gym class, or hitting on your hot mom after practice, we’re responsible for that determination and fuel used to create the next revolutionary app, artsy independent film we’ll never understand, top 40 hit song, or uncompromising gym work ethic that gets you laid down the line. You’re welcome for the future sex, everyone.

We do all of this at the expense of our own personal growth — sacrificing any type of evolution for the greater good of the masses. We should be celebrated for the unselfish heroes we are, not harassed for the blockheaded townies or U.S. Presidents we may later become. It’s time for people to start accepting bullies’ vital role in society, nix this anti-bully movement, and make America intimating again.

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