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Brunch: It’s For Dudes

brunch guys

My girl and her friends have a group that meets one Sunday morning every month for brunch. They call themselves “The Brunch Bitches.” It’s cute, and I am more than happy to let her do brunches and book clubs because that means I can balance it with a rowdy night out at the bar with the guys. I don’t ask what she and her friends get up to any more than I’d expect her to ask the same of me.

Different spheres.

But recently, I discovered something about “brunch.” It turns out the girls have been holding out on us; they have this whole world of secrets, completely untouched and unearthed by mankind. I dared to spelunk into this deep, mysterious hole, and am ready to share the knowledge I emerged with.

Brunch is freaking awesome, and it’s totally for dudes. Here are 3 reasons why you and your crew should get in on the fun.

1. Bottomless Mimosas

I wish I could make this list just one point, because this would be it.

Bottomless mimosas are a game changer. Quick: how much do you usually spend during a night on the town? $30-$50?

The brunch restaurant my girlfriend goes to offers bottomless mimosas for $6. I took my boys there last weekend, and we drank that place dry for the cost of just one of my friend Brent’s usual artisan, small batch, bullshit whiskey shots.

Sure, they kicked us out in the end, but not before we sucked down close to $1000 (menu price) worth of champagne between the 6 of us. Big score.

You’ve never seen a group of guys drunker for that amount of money on a Sunday morning. And everyone knows the best thing about day drinking is you have the rest of the afternoon to get into boozy shenanigans. Hell, the way we were doing it, you can go on a Saturday to pregame that night’s party.

Ultimately, it’s my belief that bottomless mimosas are like the WNBA: perfectly suited to the level of performance of the female competitors, but easily demolished by the raw physical potential of male athletes.

2. Breakfast Food While Drunk Is Amazing

Okay, so you’re out with the guys, drunk on bottomless mimosas. When you’re that sloshed, there’s nothing better than a plateload of delicious breakfast food.

Most brunch places have an admirable range of menu choices, from the petite vegan omelettes my girlfriend eats to the hash, egg, and steak super skillets I cram down my throat — and at reasonable prices.

As much as brunch is about the alcohol, stuffing your face with the greatest food ever dreamed up by humanity makes for a winning combination. Definitely worth a guy’s time.

3. You Get To Look Fly As Hell

Most girls’ brunches are an endless stream of Snaps, Instagrams and selfies, and for good reason: brunch is a time-honored ritual for women to show off their best look in front of all their friends. It’s a formal/casual affair much the same way that wearing your “Sunday Best” for church generations ago once was.

Guess what? Prepare to get fancy, because the Brunch Digs are the same for dudes.

It’s major status trip. You go in with your crew looking like a boss — white or patterned button up, Ray Bans, khakis, boat shoes, gold watch. Brunch isn’t as messy or confusing as the club, so you can really deck out, like the country club trust fund tiger you truly are. It’s an occasion to show the world that you have not only conquered the Saturday Night Binge, but life itself.

In conclusion, it’s time for dudes everywhere to take a serious look at brunch. Shake off the hangover and colonize that final part of the weekend, until now unsullied by booze and debauchery. It will change your life forever.

Why should the girls have all the fun?

Image via Shutterstock

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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