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Brunettes > Blondes

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Everyone needs to pick a side in the blonde versus brunette battle. I know I have, and honestly, I don’t even know what my own hair color is. And the answer’s clear as crystal. Brunettes > Blondes. Do the math. Brunettes all day, even Sunday. Van Morrison might as well have sang about brown haired girls, and not missed a beat. Here’s why.

Any doubts I had about blonde or brunette evaporated the first time I saw Black Swan. For the entire beginning, I was thinking to myself, “Enough of this sobbing t, Nat. At least in V for Vendetta, you had the good decency to keep a sturdy lip as you assisted a terrorist commit mass murder.” What’s wrong, White Swan? You have serious mental disorders associated with perfection that cause you to inflict self-harm and break your poor mother’s nurturing heart? Boo-hoo.

And then came Mila Kunis teaching Natalie a new tongue. And things were never the same again. The Black Swan’s uninhibited nature was a real game changer. That’s the thing about brunettes. They’re mysterious. They have a dark side. I’ll take that kind of chocolate edge over the holier-than-thou, coldfish Vanilla anyday.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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