When Budweiser, the beer that’s been more or less known as fraternity house blackout fuel and the primary stadium fight instigator at American sporting contests for the better part of the last four decades, doesn’t want to be served at your event, you know whatever you’re putting on is complete shit. Enter the Sochi Olympics, which has quickly turned from what was supposed to be a showcase of Russian power to the equivalent of shining a high wattage spotlight into a Mardi Gras porta-potty that’s inhabited by a pack of feral dogs.
According to TMZ, Budweiser decided not to throw its traditional Winter Olympics party, known as Club Bud during the last two Winter Games, citing safety concerns, specifically for Americans. According to A-B officials, the terrorist threat in Sochi simply looms too large.
It’s hard to know who to hate the most here: Russia for sucking so much ass? Terrorism for literally ruining a party?
I would argue that this is especially terrible because having less booze at the Olympics will lead to less Olympic Village sex, and subsequently less Olympic Village sex stories, which in turn will make my penis sad for the world. However, this really just means there will be even more vodka consumption, less reason to leave the Olympic Village, and probably a whole lot more sex. Basically, the athletes are all really attractive, drunk prisoners with nothing better to do. Everyone’s gettin’ pregnant in Sochi, especially because I assume three fourths of the Russian brand condoms being used will either break or are made out of old grocery bags.
These Olympics are going to be pretty awful, just like their host country, but at least they’ll be funny.*
*Assuming no one dies in a terrorist attack.