There’s a brand new, high-tech salami sling penetrating the market. It’s called Lelo, and it utilizes a honeycomb structure to maximize both comfort and durability.
According to the website, a 12-pack costs thirty-six dollars. THRITY-SIX DOLLARS. That’s a lot of money for something you’ll unwrap, pretend to put on in the darkness, then toss in the corner.
Lelo launched their revolutionary penis sheath with an ad featuring Charlie Sheen. When I heard that Sheen was the spokesman, I immediately thought it was one of the biggest marketing blunders ever conceived. Having a man who’s HIV positive sell condoms would be like having Rosie O’Donnell hike door-to-door selling a weight loss book. There’s no proof in those puddings. Just a lot of trans fats. And AIDS.
But then I thought about it, and realized that maybe Lelo was on to something. Charlie could be like, “These condoms are so resilient… even I can fuck whoever I want… and I have fucking AIDS!”
Then I actually clicked on the video, and realized that neither of my theories were correct. Charlie actually takes an extremely depressing and cautionary “If only I bagged my groceries… then I wouldn’t have to spend all this Two and a Half Men cash on AIDS meds” approach.
This made me want to never have sex again. Then I remembered I don’t fuck prostitutes after sharing a needle with the entire brothel. #Winning.
Image via YouTube