Cal Poly Bans Shots, Drinking Games, And Presumably Fun From Fraternity Parties

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Nice Move

As an unrepentant man-child rapidly ascending through his 20s, there are many reasons I wish I was born a little later. For instance, people wouldn’t call my attraction to Selena Gomez a “red flag” (whatever that means), and quitting Facebook would actually be a viable option. Chief among the multitude of reasons, though, is the knowledge that one day, not too long in the future but certainly past my time to take full advantage, the college/postgrad adolescence phase of life is going to extend to about 30-years-old, and it will be completely socially acceptable.

Society is certainly trending that way. Colleges themselves are becoming less like institutions of higher learning and more like really fucking expensive sleep away camps, and often you leave with something roughly as valuable as a sash full of merit badges. High schools, almost literally, are daycare centers — except with metal detectors. I haven’t been around a preschool in a while, but at this point I have to assume the teachers have abandoned teaching colors and instead hook up the children to artificial umbilical cords, throw them in a warm, gooey sack, play whale noises, and do whatever else they need to in order to recreate a uterine environment.

My point is, besides that Selena Gomez is the child bride I’ve always dreamed of, adulthood is being forever postponed, and Cal Poly is certainly doing its part to help.

Students at California Polytechnic State University may be forbidden from taking shots or playing drinking games at registered fraternity and sorority parties, if newly proposed school policies are implemented.

If the initial drinking policies don’t illicit the desired results, the Cal Poly administration is prepared to consider a ban on gatherings of more than twelve Greeks in any location (which by school policy will be considered a “rager”), jovial or boisterous attitudes that may overly excite nearby students, and being outside after sundown.

I wish the above paragraph was more of an exaggeration.

Under the proposed policy, as reported by the student publication Mustang News, parties would have to end by midnight and could not last more than four hours. The policy would also limit how much alcohol a person can bring to a party — one six pack or a bottle of wine — and prohibit mass advertising of any alcoholic event. Fraternities would be limited to one party a week, among other restrictions.

Wait! Hold on one hot minute. It sounds to me like, under this policy, students would simply spend most of their time at the unregistered pre and post-game parties, drinking to excess there, while only making a brief appearance at the actual event. It’s as if the Cal Poly administration just standardized every Greek’s unofficial weekend party timeline. That’s some good administrative work.

I encourage the first Cal Poly Greeks who throw a party after this policy passes to get shit-housed at their pregame, show up to the actual event with a six-pack, shotgun it, and bail.

Overreaching drinking rules aren’t nearly the biggest issue with the whole extended adolescence thing; they’re just a byproduct. Cal Poly’s rules aren’t unique, either. Penn State bans shots as well, while Wisconsin and Michigan State ban liquor at registered parties (the Big Ten sounds awful). Still, as drinking rules get more and more stringent, and ridiculous, you start to wonder if school administrators have any respect at all for the decision making abilities of their students. But hey, at least these kids get to be kids until they’re old enough to run for the U.S. Senate. Does that mean they won’t have to start paying off student loans until then, either? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I didn’t think so.

[via The Huffington Post]

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