Cargo Short Technology Is Evolving, Must Be Stopped

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Nice Move

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While cargo shorts dominated the lower extremities of men everywhere back at the turn of the century, they seem to be dying a slow death as of late. While this is great news that we should have been hearing long ago, it does not come without a caveat. Like squashing a pregnant black widow, this death only serves to release more monstrosities into the world.

Through my observations of social media over the last year or so, as well as from shopping online and at stores, it’s become apparent that the cargo shorts we know are evolving to take on various new forms. One of these tries to disguise itself as a normal pair of shorts, sitting right above the knee. But wait! Somehow, the designers managed to cram cargo pockets on this shorter design! How the fuck did they even do that? I want to know what engineers they have working on this, so that we may capture them and use their skills for the good of mankind, a la Albert Einstein with the Manhattan Project. Shortening these things to a reasonable inseam was a good move, but falls pitifully short of expectations. 0/10.

Another incarnation of this beast is cargo shorts that are not only cut above the knee, but have pockets that are seamlessly blended into the fabric of the shorts, making it hard to notice them at all. The other day I was at the store looking to pick up a pair of shorts or two, and I came upon a nice navy pair that I liked. Upon picking it up off the rack, I noticed that two extra pockets were barely protruding a millimeter off of the legs of them. They were nearly impossible to see, but immediately turned me off to the pair once I spotted them. What is that supposed to be? I’m not sure who these people are trying to fool here, but somebody has to be buying these things.

Upon returning home from the store, I fired up Instagram and began to scour pages from schools all over the country to get to the root of this development. My conclusion: California. California is the fucking problem. Both of these variations are all over the place, as I have concluded from looking into schools like USC, UCLA, Cal, Chico State, Fresno State, you name it. If this is an outbreak, consider the Golden State ground zero. I can only hope that the barren state of Nevada can serve as a buffer from the rest of the world, or that the San Andreas fault line decides to wake up and cause some trouble. Oh, you don’t like that I said I hope the fault line becomes active? Then stop wearing these things, California. The ball is in your court.

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