Celebrating Memorial Day The Right Way

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Like all of you, I’m an American. Subsequently, I love my country. It’s simply the best. Sure, people will say, “Don’t you think if you lived in another country, you would think that country was the best?” Hell no. I’d probably be too busy thinking of ways to get to America to think of such nonsense. America is the best, and it is our duty to celebrate patriotic holidays as best we can.

If you weren’t aware, we happen to have one of those patriotic holidays coming up. That holiday is Memorial Day. Traditionally seen as the official start to summer, Memorial Day is such a great holiday that it gets its own weekend, which is of course known as Memorial Day Weekend. Because of its greatness, it’s incredibly important that you celebrate correctly. Though it’s still a few weeks away, it never hurts to get ready early. Here are a few things that you’ll need in order to have a great Memorial Day Weekend.

1. Beer

I don’t know about where you’re from, but where I celebrate Memorial Day, it’s always incredibly hot and humid in late May. What better way to cool off from the oppressive heat than to enjoy a nice, cold beer. If you didn’t know, it also increases your blood alcohol concentration, and that’s always fun. Now, there are a myriad of different beers out there so you may have some difficulty choosing. My preferred beer of choice for holidays of this nature is Budweiser. Say what you will about Budweiser, but in my opinion, it’s the ideal beverage for this weekend. Sure, it’s now owned by InBev, but it’s still made here in the U.S. by American employees. It’s also light enough that you can drink a lot of it in such hot weather, but still heavy and flavorful enough that you can still call yourself a man. The best thing about Budweiser, as I’m sure you all know, is the cans. The red, white, and blue cans that come out this time of year are ideal for any patriotic celebration, and especially for Memorial Day.

2. Grilled Meats

Let’s face it, we’re men. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that biologically speaking, we’re supposed to eat meat. A veritable shit ton of meat. On a holiday like Memorial Day, you better believe it’s your patriotic duty as an American to eat a lot of meat. I’m not going to get into specifics here, as I am no culinary expert, but I will cover the basics. The three meats that you need for a Memorial Day cookout are hamburgers, brats, and steaks. These are the three essential ones that are required to properly honor your country. If I was good at drawing, I’d make you a food triangle depicting the three. Not a pyramid — those are for Egyptians. If you’re out in the sun consuming gratuitous amounts of alcohol, you’re going to get hungry, so you better make sure you have more than enough of these three staples. By the way, if anyone asks if you’ll have veggie burgers, they’re automatically uninvited.

3. A Great Playlist

What would any celebration of our great country be without good music? Since Memorial Day isn’t an ordinary holiday, you can’t have an ordinary playlist. If you’re like me, your standard drinking playlist is probably full of enough patriotic songs that people think it’s your 4th of July playlist, but you can never be too patriotic when it comes to these things. Make sure you have your standards like “Born in the USA,” “Proud to Be an American,” and “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.” I like to throw in a little Jimmy Buffett as well, because why not?

4. Fireworks

Depending on where you live, fireworks are illegal. I’m not encouraging you to break the law or anything, but there’s a good chance one of your neighboring states sells them and has a superstore or two right along the border. Like everything in life, fireworks displays are a competition. You need to have a bigger and better show than your neighbor. Bottle rockets and roman candles are nice, but if you really want to have a good time, you need mortars. Generally speaking, mortars are shot straight up into the air where they explode and provide a dazzling spectacle to all who are viewing. Sometimes, when the beer gets to you, you may find yourself changing the angle of elevation on the mortar tube. Other times, you may find yourself attempting to shoot them out of a cannon.

5. Water

With such warm weather, water is a necessity. Be it the ocean, lake, or river, you’ll have an exponentially better time on and around the water than you would if relegated strictly to dry land. The possibilities are endless. I guarantee that you’ll find a way to incorporate the aforementioned four things into any activity you do in or on the water. If you have a boat or jet ski, you’re obviously going to have a good time. If you don’t, or your body of water doesn’t facilitate their use, you can still have a great time. Just get some tube and float around with several cases of beer, your friends, and members of the fairer sex and you’re bound to have a good time. Plus, when the ladies see you in your American flag trunks, they can’t resist. Look it up.

Finally, and most importantly, you need to take time out of your weekend to remember what the holiday is all about. Hundreds of thousands of men and women have given their lives for this country to be free. While you should celebrate, please remember why you have the freedom to do so.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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