A pornographic website that I have never been to, or heard of, Pornhub.com, is offering Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and his wife Evelyn Lozada $100,000 for a makeup sex video. Why do they need to have make-up sex? Because Chad recently headbutted her in the face. Apparently she found a receipt for a box of condoms and confronted him about it. Afterward he decided that instead of playing “deny, deny, deny” he’d just cock back his shoulders and drop a forehead bomb. Evelyn, fearing further physical abuse, fled to a neighbor’s house, where the neighbor called the police.
Neighbors 911 call:
Not only is it incredibly obvious that the neighbor is terrified of Chad, but to me it seems like this guy has been banging Chad’s wife. I can hear Chad now… “What’s with all the whispering and shit, old man? You got something to hide? Chad will break your cracker face with a headbutt.”
As a result of all this, the artist formerly known as Ochocinco was arrested for domestic violence, and his newlywed wife has since filed for divorce. To add insult to injury, #85 was cut from the Miami Dolphins as the cameras rolled for HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” so the entire country got to watch him being fired.
And that’s why you stay the fuck away from women who have been on the reality TV show “Basketball Wives.”
Yo Chad, I’m really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Zidane had one of the best headbutts of all time:
I lied. I’ve been to Pornhub. Hundreds of times.