In an interview with Galore Magazine, Charlotte McKinney (Kate Upton’s much, MUCH hotter replacement) was asked if she’s one of those girls who believes she’s hot enough that she doesn’t feel the need to give mouthjibbers.
Okay, so, tell me this. Don’t you feel that pretty girls generally don’t have to even have cool personalities? Isn’t that a thing? Like, ugly girls will be the ones that have to be funny, and the ones who are good at blowjobs?”
CM: Oh my God, I actually was thinking about this the other day—there are girls that I know that won’t even give blowjobs, and I guess it’s because they think they’re too hot, or something? It’s such bullshit. [Laughs]
I might get skewered for this but put me firmly on her hot friends’ team who choose not to suck D.
Just hear me out. Let’s pretend for a minute I’m a woman and I’m blessed with the appearance of Ms. McKinney here — tall, gorgeous, blonde hair, tan skin, legs that won’t quit, a firm frame, and an other-worldly set of Hindenburgs to bring the whole package together and set me apart from the pack of other attractive women.
If I look that good, and if I’m that sexually desirable to guys, there’s no way in hell I’m letting dick anywhere near my mouth. What’s even the point? I don’t pleasure you. You pleasure me. Idiot. Who are you to get a mouthjibber from me?! I could get any dude I wanted, catch any dick on the planet. Do you know how lucky you are that I’m letting you even touch me, dude? How about you start working your way downstairs and go to town on me? That’s more than you deserve, actually.
Oh what, you don’t like it? Okay, then there’s the door. I dare you to leave. You won’t. You know it. I know it. You walk out the door and there’s a line of a billion hard-dicked assholes waiting to get in who are more than willing to spoon with my fine ass all night with no possibility of sex. That’s how good I look.
I might not even give up the V. I dunno. Haven’t decided yet.
It’s like owning a Bugatti compared to a Honda Civic. Your buddy asks you to borrow your Civic to make a quick beer run — yeah, no problem. Have a ball. Just be careful because it pulls hard to the left ever since that fender bender I got into and haven’t had a chance to repair yet. Try to spin the tires if you want. IDGAF.
If you own a Bugatti, though, it stays locked away in a secure garage. No one gets to touch it, much less drive it, except for you. You can look all you want, though. And if I do let you take it for a spin, we’re staying on residential streets and you’re not leaving second gear. You know that people would be lined up around the block if you announced that you’d let anyone drive it, but then you get it back after being run hard all day long and it smells like 10 kinds of cheap cologne, the radio is set on the Tejano station, and the check engine light is on. It was once pristine and pure. Now it’s lost some of its allure, some of its mystique.
But if I’m a Honda Civic, I’m sucking all the dicks. I’m just happy you want me to.
No one deserves to drive your Bugatti, and no one deserves to get mouth hugged by Charlotte McKinney..
Image via Instagram/ @charlottemckinney