Choose Wisely: The Types of Houses You’ll Encounter During Greek Competitions
Every year fraternities and sororities compete together in various competitions ranging from philanthropies to Greek Week and Homecoming events. There are certain competitive identities that various fraternities and sororities have. These are a few of those identities.
The Intense Assholes
The Assholes usually try too hard in everything. They work day and night, yell at the girls constantly and never place any higher than 3rd. When they’re building their float or skit props, some sort of speed metal that helps intensify their Adderall binge is blasting from the windows. Oh hey, there’s the Rush Chair making some poor freshman cry all because the girl forgot to turn in the blood drive carpool schedule a week early. During sports, they look like an army of Frank Martins and Brian Kellys on the sidelines, usually trying to degrade the refs, while getting laughed at by anyone and everyone watching. There’s probably a guy who just stands around, looking for someone to yell at. These guys never win shit, don’t hook up and take six years off of their partner’s lives due to all of the unnecessary stress.
Common phrases: “This girl isn’t doing shit”, “Where did you learn how to paint?”, “REF…REF…HEY, FUCKING REF!”, “I told you we should have picked Kappa.”
Best sorority match: The Girls Who Literally Don’t Know How To Do Anything
The Awesome Dudes
The Awesome Dudes are the house every sorority wants to be with. They throw the best marriage parties (Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes? Yeah, they invented it), have the funniest skit, win from time to time and never pick to be with a house that will take these things too seriously. They have one of best intramural teams on campus, but catch them on the wrong day and they’ll be too hungover to beat even the lower tier houses. Like that one time their goalie started puking mid PK’s. No worries. Winning is not terribly important to them. So what if the lead in the skit missed his first cue because he was too busy getting fellated backstage by the dance director? When they win, it’s even sweeter, but they win (IN LIFE, YOU GUYS) every year because they have the best time and further cement themselves into the top tier, while the others were too busy trying to win.
Common phrases: “I think I gave her my intramural shirt this morning, can I borrow yours?”, “What? We can’t drink? Not even in the stands?”, “Hold my beer”, “I’m just showing her my fish tank, we’ll be right back”
Best sorority match: The Walking Party
The Champs win. Nothing else matters. They do it all and they do it all well. You know Step Up 2: Tha Streets? They based the choreography entirely on their 2007 skit dance. They’ve got former four-star athletes on their basketball and football teams. They just.Plain.Damn.Win. Every year. All hope is lost, fellas. They’ve got the best athletes, funniest skit directors and they’re organized as hell. They blast “We Are The Champions” the first night of Greek Week or whatever they’re competing in. Some sororities might shy away from sheer intimidation, but The Champs usually have the pick of the litter when it comes to suitors, not that it would matter anyway. They carry everyone across the finish line, leaving all challengers in their dust. Who needs to hook up with girls? They’re getting off to victory…while we’re all busy snatching up the hot messes streaming out of their victory party.
Common phrases: “I must break you”, “No one…and I mean no one…comes into our house and pushes us around.”, “IT’S NOT WORTH WINNING IF YOU CAN’T WIN BIG”, “LEFT SIDE! STRONG SIDE!”
Best sorority match: The Pat Summits
The Guys Who Just Don’t Give a Fuck
These guys are pure scum. Talk about scraping the bottom of the bottom tier bucket. Girls cry when they get paired up with them. Not even an ounce of effort is put forth by them. These guys are worthless. They show up late, don’t turn anything in on time and pretty much ruin everything. Considering how much some houses spend on these competitions they end up wasting a TON of money as well. Their skit is worse than “Meet the Spartans,” full of obscure pop culture references, and showcases acting that makes male porn stars look like Robert Redford. Their intramural team consists of guys who couldn’t hack it on a rural high school’s JV soccer team. Girls are seen at all hours of the day on the front steps of their house either crying, chain smoking cigarettes or intensely screaming at some guy who won’t take his hands out of his pockets and keeps shrugging.
Common phrases: “You want me to do what?”, “And what exactly is that?”, “I had to get up at 11am for this?”, “We were supposed to buy the beer?”
Best sorority match: The Overlords
The Girls Who Literally Don’t Know How To Do Anything
They’re pretty much worthless when it comes to anything. They’re not creative and they don’t really party much. It’s a match made in hell. Watching them try to contribute makes you cringe at the thought of what kind of princess world that they grew up in where they can’t even function in any productive capacity. They are wet blankets. The kind of girls who sit there while you slave away over the float, drinking all of your beer and leaving before your night even starts. They might have a sweetheart or two who helps out with everything, but the fun part is going to be going over to the house trying to pry them away from the “Kourtney & Kim Take Whateverthefuck” marathon they’re watching for their liaison meeting they’re 15 minutes late for. When they do attempt to contribute positively they usually end up acting like bossy see you next Tuesdays.
Common phrases: “This is boring”, “No, I didn’t get your email”, “What’s a tape measure?”, “You can’t expect me to know that”
Best fraternity match: The Intense Assholes
Hear that noise? It’s them. It’s still over a month until the first liaison meeting and they are already breaking down the walls. They demand full access to your pledges and are fixtures around every corner of the frat, with giant notebooks of schedules, plans, notes and other completely psychotic ramblings of a rabid mother hen. Hope you like 8am wake up calls, these bitches are going to be making your life a living hell for at least a month longer than necessary. We joke about the fun police in Greek life. Well, they are the fun police. Guaranteed at some point you’ll walk in on one of them in an absolutely emasculating conversation with one of your brothers. They will cut off your dicks…figuratively, maybe literally. They believe in brute force and will try to force you into submission to win at all costs. Some poor asshole is going to get married to one of these mutants. On the flip side, if you DO win your competition, they will fuck you like a wild animal… and then rip your head off and eat your soul.
Common phrases: “EXCUSE ME”, “Have you been drinking?”, “You’re DRINKING?!”, “You’re DRUNK?!”
Best fraternity match: The Guys Who Just Don’t Give a Fuck
The Pat Summits
Win at almost any cost, but guess what? They’re also kind of awesome. They have fun, but take it seriously. They are known to have a few cuties running around the house. These girls are motivated and damn good at doing the trivial things that win a competition. Work hard. Play hard. You might just see a girl painting your skit backdrop while taking her third beer bong of the hour. They get on the field and look like those US soccer chicks back in the 90s. Later on that night, with enough prodding and jungle juice, they might just do that Brandi Chastain celebration that gave you your first boner back in 1999. They make it known that they’re there to win, but they’re also there to have a damn good time doing it. These girls, like the Overlords, will reward a victory with crazy awesome sex. But if a victory 100% guarantees some ass, anything less will put your chances at about 98%.
Common phrases: “Yes, I can do the splits. Wanna see?”, “Ugh, I’m gonna have to work out so hard to burn off this beeeeeeeer”, “Get your shit together”, “Those bitches…”
Best fraternity match: The Champs
The Walking Party
They’re notorious around Greek Town. The hottest girls on campus, best formals, sexually liberal and above average at everything else. These are the kind of girls you take home to meet the house mom. You might have to carry the workload when paired with them just to even try and place in the top 5, but you’ll have a damn good time doing it. There are going to be the occasional mornings when you have to drag two or three of them out of some guy’s bed to make the 10am tipoff of the basketball semifinal, but these girls are low-maintenance, high-tolerance broads who are good at three things, drinking, screwing and putting forth just enough effort to make the whole endeavor worthwhile.
Common phrases: “WOO!”, “OW OWWW!”, “I LOVE this song”, “Let’s go do shots in your room and watch that Panda movie”
Best fraternity match: The Awesome Dudes