Photos of Johnny Manziel’s 2015 Nissan GTR are making the rounds around the internet today with the driver side smashed in and airbag deployed. Johnny says he was the victim of a serious hit-and-run accident in Dallas where the other driver t-boned his car and sped off before he was able to report the wreck to police.
According to Dallas P.D., there’s no record of the incident being filed and Manziel was involved in another accident only a few months ago when a Mercedes he was in slammed into a pole.
So with this string of bad luck compounded with an Aristotelian fall from grace and body transformation that looks like he’s been living at Burning Man year round, I’ve now officially moved Johnny up on my Celebrity Death Big Board above Lil Wayne to the top slot. He has all the intangibles and that certain “X factor” you look for in a number one pick. But how does Johnny Football go out? The possibilities are endless, so I’ll leave it up to you — the reader.
Pick an ending below, or create your own in the comment section.
Johnny dies from syphilis.
I’m almost positive no one has died from syphilis since Al Capone in the ’40s, but Johnny is a once-in-a-lifetime talent that could certainly pull it off. After drowning his sorrows in shot girl and club promoter pussy, Manziel leaves his antique STD untreated, the bacteria reaches his brain, he slowly goes into a vegetative state, and we’re left wondering what could have been before pulling the plug.
Johnny gets mauled by a mountain lion.
Johnny gets in touch with his spiritual self and finds inner peace in the wilderness. He starts backpacking all the great American trails, becomes a dreadlock and bandana guy, and lives off the land before tragically being mauled to death by a lurking puma.
Johnny tries to reenact Scarface.
Johnny dives head first into a mile-high pile of Colombian booger sugar atop his Heisman trophy and never resurfaces. At least he went out doing what he loved.
Johnny dies of old age.
Father time is undefeated, and despite turning everything around and having one of the greatest comebacks in sports history, a loving wife of fifty-plus years, and multiple college-educated children and grandchildren, Johnny succumbs to the pass rush of life..
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