1. Get At Least Three References
Just like that prestigious summer internship at your dad’s accounting firm, the opportunity to be your formal date is an honorable position and deeply sought out opportunity. While you can’t technically ask your potential date for references, you can certainly tap into your own social network.
If you find out from a brother that she won the twerking contest at Señor Frogs in Cancun, great. If you find out from your roommate’s girlfriend that she threw a brick through her ex fuck-buddy’s window? Not so great.
The beauty of Greek life is that everybody knows everybody. Utilize your vast social network of drunken animals to find out what this chick’s deal is.
2. Be Aware of the Hot-Crazy Scale
Upon first glance, your plan may be to check the composite photo and see which chick is going to look the best on your arm and/or on your cock later that night. It may be easy to make this decision based on your quickly growing boner, but don’t let looks be the only factor in your decision without at least consulting the hot-crazy scale. The hotter a girl is, the more likely she is to have “standards” and instill some “three dates before sex” bullshit. And don’t even get me started on the girls who think they are too hot to give blowjobs.
While taking a 10 might be awesome for the first 10 minutes of the night and for your Snapchat story, you may find out on the bus ride over that she’s been hooking up with a professional athlete and isn’t DTF you. Instead, find a solid 8 that looks sexy in a low-cut dress, but is also totally down to take tequila shots and have sex in the bathroom during dinner.
3. The Younger, the Better
Remember what Wooderson says about high school girls? This classic wisdom also applies to freshmen. You don’t want to be that creep who ships out a doe-eyed high schooler to your fraternity formal, but 18-year-old freshmen chicks are totally fair game.
Why freshmen? They haven’t gained the freshman 15, they’ve fucked a minimal amount of your brothers, and they still think older fraternity dudes are the coolest thing since Justin Bieber. Unlike a senior chick who knows all the ins and outs of fraternity formals (and how to avoid her date), a freshman girl will probably feel honored that you asked her and feel the need to repay you by giving you a BJ on the bus ride back or putting out later that night.
4. Remember that it’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
We’ve all had that one formal where we’ve blacked out before arriving and perhaps gotten kicked out midway through the event. This happens even more when you take a random because you’re both trying to avoid the awkwardness by downing as much Captain Morgan as you can until you’re semi-comfortable with each other.
While there’s nothing wrong with having nights that you don’t remember, you want to at least make it through a good 75% of the evening/weekend. Also, considering your date probably weighs under 120, there’s a good chance she may pass out or end up puking way before you do and you’ll be dateless for the rest of the formal (not the worst thing, but also not the best).
Do your best to keep you and your date’s drink consumption at a comfortable level of binge-drinking so that you can both be hammered enough to be humping on the dance floor to no music, but not so hammered that you can’t get it up or that she falls asleep mid-sex. Formal is a marathon, not a sprint..