A few weeks ago, a group of fraternity brothers at the University of South Carolina woke up and decided they wanted a goat. After a five-minute discussion, they pulled up Craigslist, found an ad for a goat, and drove two hours into the country to buy him. They returned with Dalebert.
“We thought he was going to be a tiny ass goat, turned out it was just a full blown legit fucking goat that screams like a child being murdered,” one brother told TFM.
“Don’t forget to mention that the goat was all balls and no dick. Easily the biggest balls I’ve ever seen,” said another. “But where was his dick?”
They built Dalebert a pin, but homegoat had mad hops, which is surprising when you factor in the gravitational force of his gargantuan plums. Almost immediately, he was over the fence and on the streets, probably searching for a lady goat to help relieve the pressure swelling in the hefty fine water balloons dangling between his hind legs.
The brothers eventually cornered Dale behind a shed and returned him to the safety of his pin.
A week or so went by, and things were good. Dale spent his days hopping around, mowing the lawn with his face, and screaming terrible, human-like screams. But the other day, a thunderstorm rolled through Columbia. Dale got spooked and broke free again, prompting a city-wide goat-hunt. Brothers got in their cars and onto their mopeds and chased Dale across town.
Time was against them. South Carolina has a “Goat At Large” law (not joking) that put the fraternity in a position of serious legal liability. To make matters worse, a rival house wielding nets had joined the hunt in an attempt to steal Dale’s bulbous nards for themselves.
Dale was eluding the brothers at every turn, until he made a critical mistake and cornered himself against an athletic building.
Finally, Dale was rescued for the second time.
But the neighbors were fed up. The next day, Animal Control arrived at the house and took Dale away. The brothers were told he was transported to a farm where he could run free. While I truly hope that’s the case, I remain skeptical: Every child with a sick dog is told by their parents it’s being taken “to a farm where it can roam free with its own kind.”
Some of the brothers retaliated by staging a protest in front of the state house.
Dalebert has yet to come home, and many brothers fear they will never be reunited with their beloved Bovidae. The fraternity will always remember Dale for his free spirit, his way with sorority girls, and, of course, his generous, God-given goathood.
I’m no goat testicle expert (more of a hobbyist, to be perfectly honest), but is that shit normal? That can’t be normal..