Unrecognized Fraternity At CMU Allegedly Smeared Peanut Butter On The Face Of A Pledge With A Peanut Allergy

So this story out of Central Michigan University has me thinking that food allergies might in fact be a real thing.

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I have to hear both sides.

Did Seely previously express to his fraternity that the mere thought of peanuts would blow the orbital sockets out of his dome? Was this a premeditated attack or a nutty crime of passion? Did he pass out with his shoes on? What is he thinking with that goatee?

If the brothers of Alpha Chi Rho truly had knowledge that this stunt would turn the poor kid into a peanut-induced Elephantiasis freak show, that’s as cold blooded a move as they could have pulled. Like I get being extremely skeptical that food allergies legitimately exist, but (allegedly) actually testing your doubts on a pledge is downright diabolical. At the very least have an EpiPen ready to go on the off chance you’re wrong. Haze responsibly, guys.

Seriously though, I’m glad Seely was able to live to see another day. Death by peanut butter wouldn’t even be a good ice cream flavor, let alone an honorable way to say deuces to this crazy, fucked up world.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to

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