When I was little, I was sure I was going to be phenomenal at basketball. I played for four years, only to quit after I realized that the people in the stands were not affectionately calling me “HAIRBALL!” because of my long, curly hair, as I had originally thought, but were yelling “AIRBALL!” over and over.
My complete ineptitude with regard to the sport of basketball makes Alex Permann’s story at the Missouri Valley Conference Men’s Basketball Tournament that much more difficult for me to stomach.
Needing to hit a layup, free throw, three-pointer and half-court shot to take home the 50-large, Permann completed the first two requirements, skipped over the trey and sank the half-court heave on his first try, setting off a costly premature celebration.
After realizing his mistake, Permann stopped celebrating and was able to get a few three-point shots off before the buzzer in an attempt to save face, but they were to no avail. Like a nervous virgin pledge getting whiskey dick at formal, the guy just had too much adrenaline coursing through his system to come through in the clutch.
Permann missed out on the 50 grand.
I am not usually one to take sympathy on people when they do stupid things, but in this case I have to make an exception. Put me on the spot in a stadium full of people, and I would be too busy making sure I didn’t fuck up or say something horribly insensitive for the three seconds I was on the mic to do anything even remotely athletic when it came time for the actual contest. Alex did almost everything right. He disregarded one of the rules, but he still sunk a half-courter in one try.
Despite the gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that he left 50 grand on the court (Permann cruised through the shots, hitting the layup on his first try, the free throw on his second attempt and the half-court on his first heave), there was a consolation prize for Permann. The conference is giving him four free tickets to the tournament for life along with four VIP passes for next year’s MVC tournament while also picking up his hotel tab.
Though I couldn’t care less about the MVC and their douchebag 90’s-high-school-jock-hair figurehead Doug McDermott, Alex was there, so I assume this “prize” must mean something to him. You and I might conclude that winning lifetime passes to the Missouri Valley Conference Men’s Basketball Tournament pales in comparison to $50,000, but I suppose it’s better than nothing.
Back in the good old days, a half courter used to get you $75,000 and a body slam from LeBron James. Now, you need to make a layup, free throw, three pointer, AND half-court shot for a measly 50k? That’s some bullshit. You made a half-courter, Alex, and that’s something we can all be proud of.
Watch the video here:
[via NY Daily News]