Colorado State Student Drugged Out On Molly Steals Ambulance, Masturbates In Jail, Fights Cops Who Bring Him Lunch

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Nice Move

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How was your Halloween? Did it involve doing a lot of drugs, stealing an ambulance, masturbating on a jail bench, and fighting some deputies? No? Too bad. Stefan Sortland had a better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) night than you.

After being kicked out of a concert, Sortland went off the deep end and dove headfirst into waters that will ensure people are talking about his antics for years to come.

From The Denver Channel:

The Colorado State University student accused of stealing an ambulance and attacking deputies at the Larimer County jail says he went to a Halloween concert where he took “molly” and cocaine, according to the extensive police reports obtained by 7NEWS.

Police said emergency crews with Poudre Valley Hospital were treating an intoxicated student for seizures on campus in Fort Collins early Sunday morning, and when they came outside with the patient, their ambulance was gone.

EDM will do that to you. The police found him and the severely damaged ambulance in the middle of the highway, where he was shot with a stun gun.

However, he didn’t stop at just taking the ambulance. After being detained with nothing but a blanket, a cell phone, and a box of Wheat Thins, he decided he liked the thrill and, as a result, began to masturbate in jail.

Sortland was taken to the Loveland Police Department.

There he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated,” according to the police report.

I’d get my rocks off, too, if I was blue-balled on Halloween night. He went on to apologize for his actions to the officers–well, at least until it was lunch time.

As Sortland was being prepared for transport to the jail, officers said he apologized to all of them for his actions.

However, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Office said a few hours later, when Sortland was in the booking area at the jail, he attacked two deputies who were bringing him lunch.

He must have asked for roast beef on rye, and those bitches came out with wheat instead.

In the end, Sortland was charged with an assortment of things: vehicle theft, assaulting an officer, reckless driving, possession of a controlled substance, hit-and-run, criminal mischief, attempted theft of a motor vehicle, and obstruction of EMS. He had a good run and set the bar high for next year’s Halloween.

[via The Denver Channel]

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