FAIL FRIDAY: Summer Of Failure
Ten real submissions, 20 photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. That awkward moment when someone sees you sniffing your fingers as you leave the bathroom. TFM. -Tennessee Sniffing your fingers as you leave the bathroom is a power move. That awkward time in the morning...
My Amazing Final Summer As An Undergrad
Truth be told, I’ve always loathed the summer time growing up, even throughout most of college. First of all, I can’t stand the heat. Hate it. It makes me sick, very literally. I’m extremely sensitive to overheating. Have been all my life. A September tailgate was interrupted last year by a trip to the ER....
The Wrong Hole: A Greek Tragedy Of Sexual Deviancy
We, as members of the Greek community, exist in an environment that not only facilitates, but encourages acts of sexual depravity and experimentation. As such, I can understand how frightening the wild Saharan plain of the collegiate sex scene can seem to a young man, starry-eyed and coming out of his glorious two-and-a-half year stint...
How Not To Mix Liquor When You’re Dealing With Multiple Near-Empty Bottles
As a member of a fraternity, I received my lessons in alcohol through a lot of bad experiences and confusing-as-hell nights. I learned that bourbon is a delicious nectar that may as well be made from the tears of a bald eagle, gin is for people who have run out of everything else, and malt...
My 21st Birthday Shitshow
There comes a time in every fraternity man’s life in which they reach the glorious age where they can free-willingly indulge in the world’s supply of alcohol. Fuck yes it’s awesome, but there’s a learning curve to control the balance of your tolerance and the infinite black hole which you drunkenly believe your bank account...
Why The Fraternity Gentleman Is The Superior Gentleman
There is little argument the fraternity gentleman is the superior gentleman. But once in awhile, you’ll find yourself at a local sock hop or barn raising where some GDI will try and wax on about the inferiority or meaninglessness of frats. You’ll sit there, dumbfounded, unable to form a counterargument as you lightly caress the...
Memories From Summer: The Greatest Fourth Of July Ever
After posting a decent enough GPA that said, “I didn’t necessarily try, but I also didn’t completely waste your money” in my sophomore year, I convinced my parents to let me live in my college town for the summer, on the condition that I took at least one summer class and got a job. It...
Play 1-Day Fantasy Baseball To Win $100,000
It’s easy to become bored and distracted in the heart of baseball season. After all, there are 162 fucking games. Well, there’s one easy way to avoid an alarming lack of interest in America’s pastime: 1-day fantasy baseball. With that in mind, our friends at DraftKings.com are holding a contest specifically for the TFM readers...
Rush Boobs From This Week (27 Photos)
Since the dawn of the internet, fraternity members have been convincing girls to write “Rush (Insert Fraternity Here)” across their chests for promotional purposes. Over the past several months there has been a massive resurgence in the world of rush boobs, and more recently, rush ass. Here are this week’s photos…
Drinking For Charity: DGs Don’t Appreciate It When You Puke All Over Their Philanthropy
I remember my first philanthropy, a certain event thrown by Delta Gamma, which is apparently trademarked and forbidden from being named, like it was yesterday. This is impressive, since as the title suggests, I had been drinking. Also impressive? That I didn’t drown. Truly, it’s a miracle my mom doesn’t spend her days speaking at...
The Summer I Was The Worst Intern Ever
At the end of my freshman year of college at Mizzou I headed back home for the summer to work as an intern, or more accurately, a legal clerk, or more accurately still, an office bitch, at a small but prestigious law firm in downtown Clayton, an affluent and uniquely metropolitan suburb of St. Louis....
A Tribute To The Sexual Advantages Men Have
Since the dawn of time, sex has been a major priority in the life of man. Ever since the cavemen slayed their first mammoth just for the chance at some sweet Betty Rubble poon, the pursuit of sexual deviancy has been a focus for a heavy load of our lives. But have you ever taken...
Mailbag: The Acid Tripping Try-Hard With A Bad Slice
My inbox has lately become a treasure chest of never-ending entertainment. I have to thank you all for this, even if the emails sometimes leave me worse for wear. This next one, for example, details an acid trip turned late night golf outing, leading to a life-changing epiphany tied into a golf shot I posted...
Where Are They Now? Your Fraternity’s Graduating Class, Five Years Later
Graduation happens, even to the best of us. At some point you have to look yourself in the eye and say, “I’m going to pass Math 103 and walk across the stage this May.” College was the best four to seven years of your life, there’s no doubt about that, but what about after graduation?...
The Importance Of Brotherhood
From time to time, I take a break from making lists of reasons to stay in college for a fifth year, and covering the administrative shenanigans of our beloved educational institutions, to do something a bit more serious. This is another one of those columns. Pull up a seat boys, it’s time to talk about...
Explaining The Stride of Pride
You wake up just after the sun rises, and the whiskey is fresh on your breath like the dew on the grass outside. As you awkwardly attempt to roll over without waking last night’s conquest, you see that she’s almost a 7, probably a 6.7. Satisfied with the results, you track down your clothes to...
Goofus & Gallant: Fraternity Edition Part 2
If you’ve spent any amount of time in a waiting room, you’re familiar with the Highlights for Kids classic feature, “Goofus & Gallant.” The comic strip features two young men who are entangled in scenarios that required some type of difficult choice. Goofus always chooses to be an idiot, while Gallant is the sparkling example...
To The Class of 2013: Drink Up, In A Good Way
Congratulations, you graduated, and hopefully not on time. Truthfully, graduation is not as bad of news as it was a few years ago. I’m just a little jaded by it, personally. I graduated right as the economy was taking a hot, wet crap in its own pants, and it took awhile for that son of...
FAIL FRIDAY: Taking It In The Face
Ten real submissions, 19 photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Six pack contest with the bros. No beer was involved. TFM. -Tennessee That sounds the opposite of heterosexual. Having an “Ariel Castro’s basement” chill-to-pull ratio. TFM. -Michigan For anyone who’s wondering, Ariel Castro is the...
Why We Haze
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on this website, and the high dosage of Adderall currently in my bloodstream necessitates that I respond to this trend. Pledging is treated as merely a sadistic process; something fun to do to impressionable freshmen who will keep your cigarrettes lit and your drinks full. Indeed, there is an aspect...
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