Play 1-Day Fantasy Baseball To Win $100,000
It’s easy to become bored and distracted in the heart of baseball season. After all, there are 162 fucking games. Well, there’s one easy way to avoid an alarming lack of interest in America’s pastime: 1-day fantasy baseball. With that in mind, our friends at DraftKings.com are holding a contest specifically for the TFM readers...
Rush Boobs From This Week (27 Photos)
Since the dawn of the internet, fraternity members have been convincing girls to write “Rush (Insert Fraternity Here)” across their chests for promotional purposes. Over the past several months there has been a massive resurgence in the world of rush boobs, and more recently, rush ass. Here are this week’s photos…
Drinking For Charity: DGs Don’t Appreciate It When You Puke All Over Their Philanthropy
I remember my first philanthropy, a certain event thrown by Delta Gamma, which is apparently trademarked and forbidden from being named, like it was yesterday. This is impressive, since as the title suggests, I had been drinking. Also impressive? That I didn’t drown. Truly, it’s a miracle my mom doesn’t spend her days speaking at...
The Summer I Was The Worst Intern Ever
At the end of my freshman year of college at Mizzou I headed back home for the summer to work as an intern, or more accurately, a legal clerk, or more accurately still, an office bitch, at a small but prestigious law firm in downtown Clayton, an affluent and uniquely metropolitan suburb of St. Louis....
A Tribute To The Sexual Advantages Men Have
Since the dawn of time, sex has been a major priority in the life of man. Ever since the cavemen slayed their first mammoth just for the chance at some sweet Betty Rubble poon, the pursuit of sexual deviancy has been a focus for a heavy load of our lives. But have you ever taken...
Mailbag: The Acid Tripping Try-Hard With A Bad Slice
My inbox has lately become a treasure chest of never-ending entertainment. I have to thank you all for this, even if the emails sometimes leave me worse for wear. This next one, for example, details an acid trip turned late night golf outing, leading to a life-changing epiphany tied into a golf shot I posted...
Where Are They Now? Your Fraternity’s Graduating Class, Five Years Later
Graduation happens, even to the best of us. At some point you have to look yourself in the eye and say, “I’m going to pass Math 103 and walk across the stage this May.” College was the best four to seven years of your life, there’s no doubt about that, but what about after graduation?...
The Importance Of Brotherhood
From time to time, I take a break from making lists of reasons to stay in college for a fifth year, and covering the administrative shenanigans of our beloved educational institutions, to do something a bit more serious. This is another one of those columns. Pull up a seat boys, it’s time to talk about...
Explaining The Stride of Pride
You wake up just after the sun rises, and the whiskey is fresh on your breath like the dew on the grass outside. As you awkwardly attempt to roll over without waking last night’s conquest, you see that she’s almost a 7, probably a 6.7. Satisfied with the results, you track down your clothes to...
Goofus & Gallant: Fraternity Edition Part 2
If you’ve spent any amount of time in a waiting room, you’re familiar with the Highlights for Kids classic feature, “Goofus & Gallant.” The comic strip features two young men who are entangled in scenarios that required some type of difficult choice. Goofus always chooses to be an idiot, while Gallant is the sparkling example...
To The Class of 2013: Drink Up, In A Good Way
Congratulations, you graduated, and hopefully not on time. Truthfully, graduation is not as bad of news as it was a few years ago. I’m just a little jaded by it, personally. I graduated right as the economy was taking a hot, wet crap in its own pants, and it took awhile for that son of...
FAIL FRIDAY: Taking It In The Face
Ten real submissions, 19 photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Six pack contest with the bros. No beer was involved. TFM. -Tennessee That sounds the opposite of heterosexual. Having an “Ariel Castro’s basement” chill-to-pull ratio. TFM. -Michigan For anyone who’s wondering, Ariel Castro is the...
Why We Haze
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on this website, and the high dosage of Adderall currently in my bloodstream necessitates that I respond to this trend. Pledging is treated as merely a sadistic process; something fun to do to impressionable freshmen who will keep your cigarrettes lit and your drinks full. Indeed, there is an aspect...
I Hate Being A GDI
On my bookmarks bar, I order the most visited sites from the inside out, so in the middle of the bar are sites like Twitter, ESPN and Youtube. So it may surprise many people that in 5th position from the middle are three little letters: TFM. Why is this surprising? Well if you couldn’t tell...
An Interaction Between Kristen Saban and Rebecca Martinson, There Are No Survivors
(*Rebecca Martinson stands in line at Starbucks. The line is moving slowly thanks to an incompetent, portly, female Barista. Rebecca is frustrated.*) Rebecca: (to herself) You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. Speed it up, Pillsbury Dough-bitch. (*Finally, the barista is ready to take Rebecca’s order*) Barista: What can I get you today? Rebecca: A venti...
Are We The Worst Generation?
Are we all fuck ups? The general consensus, if you haven’t heard, is “yes.” Even the cover of Time Magazine this week asks the question about whether millennials are lazy, entitled narcissists. Oh wait, nope – I had that wrong. They don’t “ask” that. They accept it outright on their way to playing the contrarian...
THROWBACK THURSDAY: My Life On Adderall And The Average All Nighter
I recommend reading this while on Adderall. I have a long and conflicted history with Adderall. Unlike most of you pill guzzling, speed-addicted future leaders of America, who use Adderall for the sole purpose of pulling an all-nighter, either to cram for a final or override your body’s natural urge to fall asleep after drinking...
20 Thoughts You Have During Your Final Exam
1. Fuck. 2. The curve in this class better be more top heavy than Pamela Anderson. 3. All this talk about number 2 pencils is making me have to take a shit. 4. I have no idea what the correct multiple choice answer is on most of these. Better go with good, old trusty “C.”...
What’s Going Through Your Mind vs. What’s Going Through a GDI’s Mind At Graduation
The Job Market GDI: I should’ve listened to my parents and pretty much everyone else when I told them I was majoring in art history. You: Good thing I’m getting my MBA and don’t have to worry about getting a job for another two years. Living Situation GDI: I guess I’ll give my cousin a...
Greek Life Explained Through Google
In a world where speedy access to information is crucial, Google’s recommended search feature has saved countless milliseconds across the globe. While this feature can often be a slight convenience for your own searches, sometimes the results of Google’s nudging can be nothing short of hilarious. By examining a few common questions that have been...
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