To The Class of 2013: Drink Up, In A Good Way
Congratulations, you graduated, and hopefully not on time. Truthfully, graduation is not as bad of news as it was a few years ago. I’m just a little jaded by it, personally. I graduated right as the economy was taking a hot, wet crap in its own pants, and it took awhile for that son of...
FAIL FRIDAY: Taking It In The Face
Ten real submissions, 20 photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Six pack contest with the bros. No beer was involved. TFM. -Tennessee That sounds the opposite of heterosexual. Having an “Ariel Castro’s basement” chill-to-pull ratio. TFM. -Michigan For anyone who’s wondering, Ariel Castro is the...
Why We Haze
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on this website, and the high dosage of Adderall currently in my bloodstream necessitates that I respond to this trend. Pledging is treated as merely a sadistic process; something fun to do to impressionable freshmen who will keep your cigarrettes lit and your drinks full. Indeed, there is an aspect...
I Hate Being A GDI
On my bookmarks bar, I order the most visited sites from the inside out, so in the middle of the bar are sites like Twitter, ESPN and Youtube. So it may surprise many people that in 5th position from the middle are three little letters: TFM. Why is this surprising? Well if you couldn’t tell...
An Interaction Between Kristen Saban and Rebecca Martinson, There Are No Survivors
(*Rebecca Martinson stands in line at Starbucks. The line is moving slowly thanks to an incompetent, portly, female Barista. Rebecca is frustrated.*) Rebecca: (to herself) You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. Speed it up, Pillsbury Dough-bitch. (*Finally, the barista is ready to take Rebecca’s order*) Barista: What can I get you today? Rebecca: A venti...
Are We The Worst Generation?
Are we all fuck ups? The general consensus, if you haven’t heard, is “yes.” Even the cover of Time Magazine this week asks the question about whether millennials are lazy, entitled narcissists. Oh wait, nope – I had that wrong. They don’t “ask” that. They accept it outright on their way to playing the contrarian...
THROWBACK THURSDAY: My Life On Adderall And The Average All Nighter
I recommend reading this while on Adderall. I have a long and conflicted history with Adderall. Unlike most of you pill guzzling, speed-addicted future leaders of America, who use Adderall for the sole purpose of pulling an all-nighter, either to cram for a final or override your body’s natural urge to fall asleep after drinking...
20 Thoughts You Have During Your Final Exam
1. Fuck. 2. The curve in this class better be more top heavy than Pamela Anderson. 3. All this talk about number 2 pencils is making me have to take a shit. 4. I have no idea what the correct multiple choice answer is on most of these. Better go with good, old trusty “C.”...
What’s Going Through Your Mind vs. What’s Going Through a GDI’s Mind At Graduation
The Job Market GDI: I should’ve listened to my parents and pretty much everyone else when I told them I was majoring in art history. You: Good thing I’m getting my MBA and don’t have to worry about getting a job for another two years. Living Situation GDI: I guess I’ll give my cousin a...
Greek Life Explained Through Google
In a world where speedy access to information is crucial, Google’s recommended search feature has saved countless milliseconds across the globe. While this feature can often be a slight convenience for your own searches, sometimes the results of Google’s nudging can be nothing short of hilarious. By examining a few common questions that have been...
Timeline Of A Pregnancy Scare
Day 1 Another school year, another semester condensed into 48-hours-worth of just enough studying to get a 3.0. If college were any easier, it’d be a former Teen Mom star coming out with a sex tape. Time to pick up those brain cells out of the textbook, and back to where they feel more at...
I Hate Your Lies, Tequila Commercials
No one is naïve enough to believe that advertising is honest. If someone is trying to get your money from you, chances are they’re lying to some extent, if not outright. Obviously the Draper-esque ad executive working for KFC doesn’t want you to know that the new boneless chicken actually comes from freak chickens that...
An Exchange Between Rival Fraternities, Via Notes Left On Their Front Doors
Brothers of Delta, On behalf of the Lambdas, I just wanted to express our sincere gratitude for letting us borrow your lawn mower today. As we explained to you before, ours broke down and we have an important house event coming up this weekend that we had to have the house in tip-top shape for....
The Greatest Nerf Hoop Dunker Of All Time
Last night on 30 for 30.0, the greatest Nerf dunker of all time told his story, featuring Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, Darryl Dawkins, and Spud Webb. Tosh.0Get More: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption “Jordan didn’t shave his head because he was going bald. He shaved it because he couldn’t grow a thick, curly, red afro.” -Darryl...
The Ten Fraternity Party Commandments
I. Thou shalt have no other concerns when you rage. Face it. The moment you commit to drinking, you essentially guarantee that you will accomplish nothing productive for at least the next few hours, and most likely the next day or two. Drinking time should be sacred, and the worries of school should fly out...
A Letter To Myself As An Incoming Pledge
Hey Asshole, Congratulations, you were smart enough to join a fraternity and not be a jort-wearing GDI. I’m going to let you in on the ways of the world since you’re fresh meat for the next four months. This shit will get you through the next four to six years with stories that’d shock Dr....
A Timeline Of Your Average Finals Study Session
You haven’t been to class since the professor handed out the syllabus, except to take the two midterms. Those didn’t go so well because you showed up drunk for one and the other was during your week of protesting North Korea’s military advances by drinking for American solidarity with your pledge brothers. You literally wrote...
Blaming Greeks For Your Campus Problems Is The Easy And Cheap Way Out
At the end of last November, the entire Greek system at California State University, Chico was suspended indefinitely. Since the start of the spring semester this year, each chapter has worked tirelessly to earn their spots back on campus. Being a leader in my chapter, I can attest to the work that has been done....
Your Shitty Round Of Golf And The Four Stages Of Acceptance
Watching Sergio fall apart on 17 at the Players brought on a myriad of initial reactions for me, ranging anywhere from “Ha, fuckin’ do it again, you Spaniard fuck!” to “Come on, Serg. You gotta club up, man.” I’m no fan of Sergio Garcia’s, but I can empathize with a struggling, collapsing golfer. The descent...
3 Popular Party Themes And Their Inherent Flaws
Anything But Clothes (ABC) The theme here is simple: you can wear anything, as long as you’re not wearing clothes. Whether that means covering yourself in wrapping paper like an alcoholic Christmas present, or making a diaper out of duct tape to secure your baby junk, you have to find a way to dress yourself...
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