A Letter To The Girl You’re Hooking Up With But Will Never Marry
Dear (Name Redacted), Bear with me here. I like you. I really do. I like going on dates with you. You seem pretty cool. You can hold a conversation. I even liked hanging out that one Sunday, aka “The Day of Man,” except when you asked me, “What’s going on?” during Game of Thrones (I’m...
gewd playces fur pusy
Editor’s Note: This column is one of the most absurd things we’ve ever received, but it was too weird and good not to post. hi guiz mi naem iz ruger_dern n i em guna tel u bowt sum gewd playces 2 get pusy n plaeces wear u woe’nt fynd pusy wyle u r hoem dis...
The Importance Of Brotherhood
From time to time, I take a break from making lists of reasons to stay in college for a fifth year, and covering the administrative shenanigans of our beloved educational institutions, to do something a bit more serious. This is another one of those columns. Pull up a seat boys, it’s time to talk about...
Are We Misogynists?
(Last week I wrote a column. Cosmo wrote a response. Here’s my response to their response.) Dear Ms. Cohen of Cosmo, I think your response article was fine (you can find a better by @HotPiece_TSM, HERE). It was a funny rehash of what I wrote from the female perspective, with the twist that the female...
Total One Man Frat Moves
I was going through my weeknight routine of singing Toto’s “Africa” in a bathtub while checking up on the butt fudge pics and death threats that get indiscriminately sent to my Twitter account, when I stumbled upon a gem in the Dartmouth student newspaper. The TL;DR version of the article is that there was a...
7 Most Underrated Sexy Things That Chicks Wear During Summer
Women can’t comprehend what men regard as hot. Sure, they understand that long legs and an ample bosom are desirable, but past that they are lost. Figurative babes in the woods. “Should we all agree to wear this shirt that blouses out at the stomach?” they think to themselves as men roll their eyes and...
Why The Fraternity Gentleman Is The Superior Gentleman
There is little argument the fraternity gentleman is the superior gentleman. But once in awhile, you’ll find yourself at a local sock hop or barn raising where some GDI will try and wax on about the inferiority or meaninglessness of frats. You’ll sit there, dumbfounded, unable to form a counterargument as you lightly caress the...
The Summer I Was The Worst Intern Ever
At the end of my freshman year of college at Mizzou I headed back home for the summer to work as an intern, or more accurately, a legal clerk, or more accurately still, an office bitch, at a small but prestigious law firm in downtown Clayton, an affluent and uniquely metropolitan suburb of St. Louis....
Fraternity Lessons For The Real World
Being an undergrad is a wonderful time to learn important lessons, and take away a great deal of life experience in a relatively short period of time. Now, I’m not simply talking knowing the limits of your liver (God rest its soul), or how many girls is an acceptable amount to sleep with in one...
The Wrong Hole: A Greek Tragedy Of Sexual Deviancy
We, as members of the Greek community, exist in an environment that not only facilitates, but encourages acts of sexual depravity and experimentation. As such, I can understand how frightening the wild Saharan plain of the collegiate sex scene can seem to a young man, starry-eyed and coming out of his glorious two-and-a-half year stint...
Breaking Down Maybe The Angriest Article Ever Directed At Fraternity Guys
This column from Elite Daily, titled “College ‘Men’ Are the Worst,” is one of the angriest anti-frat boy pieces I’ve ever read, and I read a lot of these types of articles. Apparently we piss a fair amount people off. Who knew? Just because I drink twenty-seven beers, flip you the bird, do the Degeneration...
Some Thoughts On The 69th Anniversary of D-Day
I just executed a textbook hit-and-run, leaving just enough time to produce this literary upheaval. I frantically shooed a girl out of my bed because I remembered I had a deadline to submit this article. Then I got to thinking, I wonder how many times my grandfather gave some slam the heave ho before he...
A Tribute To The Asshole Who Packs Up Early In Class
Let me paint a picture for you. It’s Thursday afternoon. You’re sitting in a relatively meaningless, sufficiently boring general studies class, your third class of the day, and time seems to be at a standstill. It’s been a long day. You took an exam during your first class that you had to cram for the...
40 Signs You’re Too Drunk To Keep Drinking
1. You’re slowly and mysteriously losing articles of your clothing. 2. That four sitting across from you is starting to look more like an eight. 3. You’re singing songs that you hate, and you’re singing them way too loudly. 4. You put a $20 bill in the jukebox just so you can get “Thrift Shop”...
Why Country Music Is Not Almost As Bad As Bieber: A Rebuttal
We all know Bieber is the lowest form of auditory torture. Treating Bieber, Selena Gomez, Pink, Pitbull and so on as music is like saying butt chugging is the best use of alcohol. To treat modern country music in the same breath is a terrible, serious accusation. As disgusting as much of it is, good...
Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013: Here Are a Few Words of Wisdom
Congratulations, you made it. You are a 2013 Goldman Sachs Summer Analyst. You might feel like you just crossed the finish line. But the race hasn’t even started yet. Most banks hire the majority of their first year analysts from the intern pool. They’ve proven themselves. They’re likely to accept the offer. And it saves...
Memories From Summer: The Greatest Fourth Of July Ever
After posting a decent enough GPA that said, “I didn’t necessarily try, but I also didn’t completely waste your money” in my sophomore year, I convinced my parents to let me live in my college town for the summer, on the condition that I took at least one summer class and got a job. It...
The NSA: No Fucks Given
The government is making a snuff film staring the American public, and your civil liberties are taking the money shot. If you haven’t been following the subterfuge, you should know that EVERYTHING YOU SAY ON YOUR PHONE AND ON THE INTERNET IS BEING RECORDED BY THE NSA. This isn’t a big surprise for most people...
20 Differences Between A Frat Wedding And An NF Wedding
Not Frat Wedding: Don’t see the bride the day of the wedding. Total Frat Wedding: Quickie that morning in the priest’s confessional with the bride, possibly her maid of honor too, if you can swing it. NFW: Quietly admire your bride walking down the aisle to Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.” TFW: Powerpoint at the bride...
Frat Benches Taking The Country By Storm
Duke University and the University of North Carolina have taken over the frat bench game. The frat bench pictured above sits in front of the Delta Sigma Phi house at Duke, and on it, my friend, who was thoughtful enough to give me the lead on these front yard thrones of fraternal ingenuity. Look at...
