What You Tell Your Parents vs. What You’re Really Doing
Having just let her baby leave the nest to embark on the biggest adventure of his or her young life, better known as “college,” Mom wants to check in frequently to make sure you’re staying on the straight-and-narrow while keeping your grades up. It’s Mom, and we love her, so we take her phone calls...
Blackout Wake-Ups (A Multiple Choice Quiz): Escape from the Sigma House
This entire story is true. In the vain attempt to write a column that won’t draw the ire of the comment section, I have decided to change up the format of this piece. Instructions: The correct answer is always “C” as it should be. 1) You open your eyes. It’s too blurry to make out...
Pop A Bottle, Pour And Swallow
Once my friend texted me about going out that night: “I don’t know how you do it.” I texted back: “Pop a bottle, pour and swallow. That’s how.” Way too often, people (specifically upperclassmen) act like drinking and going out is a chore. It’s as if people don’t want to have fun. They’re “too tired”...
6 Frattiest Disney Characters
1. Gaston “No one says no to Gaston.” Gaston is, without a doubt, the frattiest character is Disney history. While he may have developed a minor steroid problem during his undergrad years, and his cholesterol levels keep him constantly on the verge of a crippling stroke (5 dozen eggs a day tend to have that...
Puerto Rico Wants To Be The 51st State? No Thanks.
One of the most interesting things to go unnoticed during this past election season was that Puerto Rico has applied to be America’s 51st state. On the surface, this looks like an easy admission. It has been a commonwealth for some time now, would be the country’s 29th most populous state, and has finally come...
We’re Not Sorry
As I grow older, it becomes increasingly clear to me we live in a society obsessed with apologizing – apologizing for patriotism, apologizing for freedoms, and apologizing for success. I don’t know where, how, or when it began, (although fingers can certainly be pointed at the current administration), but the truth is there is a...
The Diary Of A Naive Pledge: Week 2
I am able to empathize with the naive pledge, because to a lesser degree, I was the naive pledge. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but unlike the subject in this diary, I quickly figured it out. The journey from wide-eyed freshman living it up during rush into a broken pledge...
NFL QBs On Facebook: Free Agency Edition
Image via Sideline Pass NFL quarterbacks are talking on Facebook again, this time about free agency. Courtesy of ProFootballMock.com:
TFM Does SXSW
South by Southwest isn’t really like any other festival you will ever go to. It’s just like ‘Nam, there aren’t any rules. We didn’t film this, but we were there for it. Glorious. For starters, unlike ACL or Coachella or the Sundance Film Festival, you don’t technically need a ticket, which means the streets are...
10 Reasons Indiana Jones Is Frat
Veronica Corningstone recently wrote a great column about her rack. In it, that sexy little minx explained to us the advantage of having relatively smaller breasts for a myriad of reasons that I found thoroughly entertaining. What really caught my attention, though, were the Indiana Jones references she made. Not only is it attractive that...
The Battle of 25th Street
The tear gas has cleared and the rioters are gone. The pledges are slowly trying to clear the debris from the upstairs toilets. The carcasses of crawfish, Keystone, Newcastle and Austin’s collective dignity lie strewn about the yard, the halls and the dance floor. The risk manager is in hysterics, the social chair is inconsolable,...
I’m Just Going To Start Telling People I’m A Democrat
A few days ago, I was lying around my apartment watching German scat videos on my lapper while HBO was playing on the TV in the background. After a heated act of self-gratification, I usually feel like a million bucks, but this time my orgasmic bliss was cut short when I heard a familiar voice...
25 Annoying Things Drunk Girls Do
We all know and love the promiscuity of drunk girls, but they can be a double-edged sword. Here are 25 annoying things drunk girls do on the reg: 1. Talk about how much they’ve had to drink, often exaggerating wildly. 2. Talk about how much they’re capable of drinking, and then throw up on your...
Breaking Down The Iconic “Coffee Is For Closers” Scene In Glengarry Glen Ross
True story: I’ve never actually seen Glengarry Glen Ross in its entirety. I’ve actually only watched this one scene. From what I hear, the movie rates anywhere from just kinda “meh” to really good. Whatever, I don’t really care. It could have been a 15-minute film about the ins and outs of peddling magazines door-to-door...
The Total Frat Movie Campaign Ends Wednesday, Help Make A Future Hit Today
This past Thursday night, around midnight, I was getting off an airplane at the airport in Austin. I was exhausted, had spent three hours in a middle seat, and as I turned my phone back on upon landing I was greeted by a series of tweets from my always charming followers, informing me that my...
Essential Fraternity Events: Stripper Night
Every chapter in the country has its own iconic social traditions and uniquely absurd annual parties, but some events needs to be included on the social calendar of each and every chapter, nationwide. These events are staples of our hallowed fraternity lifestyle, and they’re some of the wildest, most popular events of the year, regardless...
FAIL FRIDAY: Spring Breaking Your Neck
Ten real submissions, 20 photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Being so shitfaced and taking a shot of Old Spice body wash chased with Listerine. TFM. -Illinois If that’s not alcoholism, I don’t know what is. Having the hottest slams on spring break with you...
10 Years Later, A Reflection On The Invasion Of Iraq Or: The Day I Realized The Extent Of America’s Power
March 19th, 2003, a young, future dick joke writer with a far less tainted liver is laid up in the basement of his suburban St. Louis home after a surgery. On the table next to him is a sandwich. In front of him is a TV tuned to Fox News. The invasion of Iraq had...
The Time-Honored Fraternity Tradition Of “Bagging”
As we all know, the first day of spring carries with it resounding excitement for the reincarnation of some time-honored traditions on fraternity rows nationwide. Whether it be your house’s yearly spring break trek to conquer and destroy anything in its path at some storied paradise of booze and sex, the reigniting of a decade’s...
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