Combating Your House’s Dipping Problem

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Nice Move

dip can table

There’s nothing wrong with throwing in a lip every now and then, but one day you might find that most of your house is addicted to the stuff. While this doesn’t seem like a big deal on the surface, take a minute to think of the problems this can cause. At some point, you won’t even be able to walk into your house without getting a violent head rush out of sheer habit. It will also make your house dirtier as a whole, as well as bring about the ire of sorority women (I know, who cares). If you’ve found that your house has a severe dipping problem, there are a few ways to try to make the situation better.

Incentives

Try to incentivize the process of quitting chew. One way of doing this is to see who can go cold-turkey the longest. One of your concerns might be that someone could be secretly dipping the whole time, but there is an easy way to see through this. If someone is actually quitting dip cold-turkey, they’re going to be pissed off most of the time. Anything less than a constant irritable attitude should be cause for suspicion, and grounds for disqualification. It might seem like the reward for the winner should be anything other than more tobacco, but go ahead and give them a log. They’ve earned it.

Ban It

That’s right, go scorched earth and just ban dip in your house altogether. This will be tough to pull off, and for it to work you need to assemble a veritable gestapo of brothers to keep an eye out for rule-breakers. This will be very similar to the war on drugs that kicked off in the 1980s. By that, I mean that you’ll be devoting a lot of time and energy to something that ultimately won’t work for shit. The most that you can hope to accomplish out of this is to drive chew usage into the underground, where it won’t be as noticeable. Try to convince yourself that you and your crew of dip Nazis are doing this for the greater good of the house.

Aversion Therapy

What if there were some way that you could make your brothers hate dipping? The next time one of them is blackout drunk at a party, keep offering them a dip over and over again throughout the night. If you give them enough, they’ll eventually get sick and not want to dip for quite some time. Another way to do this is to find a brother who is very persuadable when drunk, then get a few guys to dare him to put in a whole can at once. If he vomits and chooses to lay off dip for a while, your plan has worked. If he does it with no problem, he’s a fucking monster.

Party On, Wayne

Fuck it, your house is Copenhagen’s third-largest client in the whole state. It was naive to think that you could make any difference at all, and you must come to terms with the fact that your house has a major problem. You should probably just take up dipping now. Start off with throwing in a lip here and there, and you can be up to a tin a day by this fall. By next year, you’ll be driving a semi-truck and brashly explaining your political views over Thanksgiving dinner.

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