Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013: Here Are a Few Words of Wisdom

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Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013: Here Are a Few Words of Wisdom

Congratulations, you made it. You are a 2013 Goldman Sachs Summer Analyst. You might feel like you just crossed the finish line. But the race hasn’t even started yet.

Most banks hire the majority of their first year analysts from the intern pool. They’ve proven themselves. They’re likely to accept the offer. And it saves HR a shitload of time and money.

Don’t worry if you don’t make the cut. You ‘ve been vetted and hired by Goldman fucking Sachs. Even if this is your last dance here, there are plenty of Vineyard Vines wearing, New Canaan commuting, Morgan Stanley name-dropping ‘rainmakers’ waiting to pick you up and dust you off. Not making the cut at Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. You’ll still probably make millions, but it’s just not the same.

So here are 20 tips to help you with your journey:

  1. If your boss smokes, smoke.
  2. If your boss is Indian or Pakistani, learn the rules of cricket. He probably also smokes, so see #1. But be careful, if he doesn’t, he’s a vegetarian yogi.
  3. Don’t wear Hermes ties, ever. You have to earn it.
  4. Buy a decent suit or 3, but no cuffed or pleated pants. And don’t wear a tie unless you might get taken to a meeting. No one likes that kind of kiss-ass.
  5. Learn how to tie a double Windsor; just make sure the knot’s not too fat.
  6. Keep your shoes shiny, but don’t let anyone see you having your shoes shined. You have to earn it.
  7. If you went to a decent boarding school, subtly find out if anyone who matters went to the same school. Boom, he’s your rabbi. At this point, no one cares about college credentials; it’s a given.
  8. As it relates to fellow interns, make no mistake about it – it’s war:
    • Let’s be clear. It’s impossible to compete with female interns. And it’s not cool. So don’t bother trying.
    • When a fellow intern leaves his desk, change his screen (or screens) to rolex.com, porsche.com, or morganstanley.com.
    • Come up with dismissive nicknames for fellow interns (Chico, Bud Fox, Fredo, Bubba, etc.). Hope that it catches on.
    • When a fellow intern leaves his computer unlocked at the end of the evening, change the signature on his Email settings. Using white font, add any variety of obscene words. No one will see it…except for IT and HR.
  9. Don’t be too cool to do the coffee runs. It shows confidence. Just don’t fuck it up. If you can’t be trusted with coffee, how can you sell bonds or manage risk.
  10. Call Bloomberg and have them give you a tutorial on functions. It’s free. And most EDs and above are still using functions and short cuts from 5+ years ago. It’s an easy way to impress them. And many of the Bloomberg chicks are hot.
  11. Leave a jacket on the back of your chair at all times. While you are at it, keep a tie in your drawer. Zegna is a good choice.
  12. Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of your group for the week ahead. She’s dumb enough to think you are being proactive. But now you know when you can sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the traffic to Southampton.
  13. Never tell racist jokes. Always repeat racist jokes in the proper company and be sure to credit ‘the other intern’ who told you.
  14. Don’t offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors; you can’t afford them and it won’t score any points.
  15. Don’t brag about being a decent golfer. This should be a given.
  16. Bang a (female) intern, and tell the Associates and above about it. If they haven’t ever done it, they sure as hell always wanted to. They’ll respect you for it. And you’ll always be the guy that banged her first, before she ends up marrying that dickhead PMD in Emerging Markets.
  17. An MDs jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving end of a joke, you better laugh with us. If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will. This is Wall Street; there is no such thing as ‘bullying’.
  18. Acknowledge the quotes from Caddyshack or Fletch, but don’t make any yourself. You have to earn it. So don’t initiate the fist bump that comes with ‘Charge it to the Underhills’.
  19. This might be the most important one. It’s okay to make a mistake or ask a question. But don’t ever ask the same question or make the same mistake twice. If you do, just know that the world needs ditchdiggers too.
  20. Don’t talk in the fucking elevators…or at a bar.

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Follow @GSElevator on Twitter for all of the outrageous offensive conversations overheard on Wall Street.

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