Contrarian Is Just Another Word For Asshole

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“Contrarian (n): a person who takes a contrary position or attitude; specifically : an investor who buys shares of stock when most others are selling and sells when others are buying.” – The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

“Talk is cheap mothafucka.” – DMX

In a world where it takes people less than five seconds to throw a political or personal belief into the public eye, there are bound to be disagreements. This is the age of keyboard warriors who use Facebook likes and retweets as a means of justifying their opinions as factually and morally superior. Still, in the throngs of reposts from Buzzfeed and Breitbart, there lurks someone with no ideology of their own. Their whole existence is based on a form of trolling as old as opinions themselves, one that’s entirely built around a selfish desire for chaos and discord. For them, playing Devil’s Advocate comes as naturally as taking taco dumps or crying during Air Bud. These people, contrarians, have only one goal — to be right when everyone else is completely wrong.

Now, if you’re a straight ticket type that only gets pissed at the system for four-to-eight years at a time, you don’t exactly fit this bill. You might be sick of the SEC, but that doesn’t mean you won’t drop a c-note on Bama to win the whole thing. These folks, on the other hand, are the types to insist that the Big East is a better conference to Finebaum while crying out to schedule drug testing for every 15 year old’s birthday.

That is, until the White House gets back into adequately-sized Republican hands and Saban gets busted for recruiting violations. Then, the tone flips on its head and this jerk is wearing a pair of Crimson Tide Birkenstocks and hitting the quad with a “Bombing for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity” picket board. If anyone calls them out on it, they’ll use terms like “free-spirited” or “voice of reason” to make themselves sound relevant. That isn’t the case, however. They’re just a troll so desperate for attention that they’ll oppose anything.

If we imagine the court of public opinion as a massive stock exchange (an apt description), this is the guy who’s convinced he knows more than the experts. The only difference is, while the big wig on Wall Street could be considered a hero if he cleans up for it, the asshole calling out against anything and everything is just another deluded sociopath with a Mac. When he’s trying to muscle his way onto your lawn after this PC Renaissance ends in a matter of months, don’t knock his teeth in. It’s what he wants. Just let the authorities cart him off so he can go back to a sad existence of Twitter’s newest hashtag opened in the tab between “TV Tropes: Jerkass Has a Point” and tentacle porn on the Hub. That feeling of self-loathing and emptiness that coalesces in his stomach on a daily basis is the only tangible thing being a contrarian will ever score him.

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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