The University of Colorado-Boulder administration may have cancelled the school’s most famous stoner event, the 420 smokeout, but don’t worry, the student body is still toking up more than a glaucomic Phish fan. The students still smoke so much, in fact, that apparently it’s affecting student government elections to the point that it forced the CU-Boulder student government to pass campaign reforms.
In past University of Colorado student-government election cycles, candidates have sometimes spent nearly $10,000 on campaigns, trading slices of pizza for votes, parading a pony around campus…
So I assume this is how most voting at the University of Colorado goes…
(*Two stoners walk out of their dorms*)
Stoner 1: (*coughing*) Oh shit man, I’m fucking baked dude.
Stoner 2: Let’s get some, like Snarf’s…and a cookie cake…and a…a…soda and pie.
Stoner 1: Dude. Soda Pie. Yes. FUCK! Look at that pony! Holy shit man! (*laughs hysterically*)
Stoner 2: Whaaaaaat? Is it a mini pony?
Stoner 1: I don’t know man, it’s kind of far away. I need a perspective or a telescope. (*laughs*) Let’s go pet it and ride it to get sandwiches.
(*Stoners walk up to the campaign event*)
Candidate: Pony here! Vote Smith and Howard and you can pet this pony!
Stoner 2: Hey man can we pet your pony, bro?
Candidate: Sure thing. (*hands the stoners a laptop*) Just vote Smith and Howard for student government and you can pet that pony to your stoned heart’s content.
Stoner 1: Hold on hold on hold on, man. Okay? Man. Like, I don’t mean to be all political here but voting is like a serious deal. You can’t just like, buy my vote man.
Candidate: Not even with a pony as soft as this one?
Stoner 2: Shit dude, that pony looks sooooo soft.
Stoner 1: Okay but like, what are your stances, man? What’s your position?
Candidate: Well, actually I’m quite conservative.
Stoner 1: Oooooo….
Candidate: Not that it has anything to do with Student Government but I’m very pro-life and one day I hope to repeal Colorado’s legalization of marijuana.
Stoner 2: Whooooa….
Candidate: But in terms of this campaign in particular I hope to make every dorm on campus a gun dorm.
Stoner 1: Whaaaaaat….?
Candidate: I’d also like the health center to stop giving out condoms and promote abstinence instead, and even punish students for not abstaining by refusing to treat STDs.
Stoner 2: Oh man that’s fucking harsh dude…
Candidate: Well, it’s what I believe will make this campus better. So do I have your vote?
Stoner 1: No way dude, you’re like a dick. You stand for everything I’m against.
Candidate: Not even if you get to pet the pony?
Stoner 2: (*anxious*) Shit dude I really wanna pet that pony, but…
Stoner 1: Stay strong man. This guy’s not getting our vote. You’re a bad man, man, and you can’t buy our support, man.
Candidate: What if I throw in a few slices of meat lover’s pizza?
Stoner 1: Wait, what?
Candidate: (*pulls out box of delicious meat lover’s pizza*) I said, you won’t vote for me? Not even for a few slices of meat lover’s pizza?
Stoner 1: Fuuuuuuuck. Gimme that laptop! (*snatches laptop out of Candidate’s hands, votes*).
Stoner 2: Can we still pet the pony!?!?!
Candidate: Why of course! Pet away! And thank you for your support!
(*Stoners run over to the pony, petting it and stuffing their faces*)
Stoner 1: Oh man, I just used the pony as a napkin! It felt aweeeeesome.
Don’t believe me?
“The easiest way to get votes is to say, ‘Hey if you vote for me, I’ll give you a slice of pizza,’” [student government executive Tyler] Quick said.
The reforms are being put in place primarily to curb campaign spending, and specifically how much money a candidate is allowed to to contribute to his or her own campaign, as that tends to benefit students from wealthier families. More money means more pizza means more votes.
Now, it should be noted that offering pizza to drunks would probably be almost as effective as offering it to stoners. God knows when I’m stumbling around at 2:00 A.M. I’d do some pretty reprehensible things for a pizza. The kind of things that require serious emotional suppression or the legal counsel of Daniel Webster.
Still, if marijuana didn’t play a HUGE role in this, they probably wouldn’t have literally written it in to the reforms.
From here on out, there will be no campaigning in bars, or at parties, or anywhere for that matter where a reasonable person would observe that 75 percent of the potential voters are drunk or high on marijuana.
You hear that potential CU-Boulder student government candidates? You only get so much pizza and you aren’t allowed to use it to trick stoners into voting for you ANYMORE!
Image via ThisSongIsSick.com