Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters, Wherever You May Be Tonight;
It is with joyous exuberance that I inform you our hero has returned. The man who grew up in this very region, and then deserted it four years ago, is once again a Cleveland Cavalier.
Clearly this is exciting news for all of us.
I told you four years ago that this ownership team and the rest of the hardworking staff of the Cleveland Cavaliers had not betrayed you and NEVER will betray you.
Over the past few years, we’ve executed a clear and concise plan to land three number one picks in four years. Completely wasting one of those picks on Anthony Bennett was vital. Our decision to rush Kyrie Irving back from injuries, for absolutely no reason, has paid huge dividends. The ownership was simply finding the right fit when we hired three coaches in four years. Again, we had a clear and concise vision.
These genius moves were all for you.
You have given so much, and deserve all of it.
This is why I want to make one statement to you right now:
I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE MIAMI HEAT WIN ANOTHER.
You can take that to the motherfucking bank.
If you thought we were motivated when we surrounded LeBron with a barrage of talentless assclowns, I can tell you that his righteous display of loyalty in returning to our impoverished land has shifted our motivation to previously unknown and never experienced levels.
Some people think they should go to heaven, but aren’t willing to die to get there. We here in Cleveland have been dead inside for decades, so open up those pearly gates.
Our homegrown “chosen one” has displayed a lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.
This is life-altering news that this sincere and profound action will serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.
The “King” will take care of this “curse” as he is doing “right” by Cleveland and Ohio.
Today is a new and much brighter day…
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
Never pissing on LeBron James again. Oh, and delivering you the championship you have long deserved and are long overdue…
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