Browsing the TotalFratMove Facebook wall is always an interesting experience. Reading the seemingly endless list of feminist bitching and desperate tryhard clothing brands begging for recognition leads to some serious entertainment, but last week I came upon a post that shook me to my very core. A gentleman named Howard Binglesmork opened the door to what very well may be the greatest clothing company of our generation.
The first thing that caught my attention was the intense gaze that Howard shot through my computer monitor. It was like he was reassembling my very soul with his eyes. How can you not trust this face?
So, naturally, I clicked through to the Dank Swag Apparel Facebook page to see what his nephew’s brand was all about. It felt like my eyes were opened for the first time. Suddenly, I knew Rowdy Gentleman’s business model was complete garbage, and that I had uncovered what makes a t-shirt company truly legendary.
I have found the voice of our entire generation, and that man’s name is T-Barx. Never before had I thought of combining the words “Weed” and “Swag” so eloquently on a t-shirt. This is truly a genius at work. As I scrolled further down the page, the true weight of the brilliance struck me even deeper.
But who is this T-Barx guy? Besides a cultural mastermind for the ages, that is. I wanted to know more. Luckily, the description on one of his shirts shed a little light on the man behind the Dank Swag.
Move over Robert Frost and Tupac, we have discovered the true meaning of poetry. T-Barx got fucking STABBED, and he turned it into inspiration for this nuggety collage of a tank that would instantly flag you for an anal cavity searched at every single airport in the United States of America. Except Denver.
While the story behind his stabbing is unfortunately absent, I like to think that T-Barx got in a heated argument over a blunt rotation that ended in pocket knife bloodshed. “IT’S PUFF, PUFF, PASS, MOTHER FUCKER! I’M T-BARX SWAG BITCH!” *Stab* *Stab* *Stab*
We even get a look into T-Barx’ deeper side when he abandons his swaggity language for an honest and heartfelt “Please order my shirts.” I feel you, man. This man understands the struggle, and still manages to end his every day as a symbol of corporate excellence. This is the kind of guy that Mark Cuban goes to for advice. T-Barx even knows how to reach previously inaccessible demographics.
For far too long, the stoners ages 8 and under have been unable to show off their lifestyle, but Dank Swag Apparel has single-handedly opened the door for the elementary school tokers of the world. The era of trading Lunchables for Dunkaroos is behind us, my friends. We have entered the age of trading cookies for quarter ounces.
When you’re blessed with as much brilliance as Mr. T-Barx, you’d think that there would be a disconnect between his THC-laden brilliance and the common man, but this is not the case. T-Barx’ social media outreach strategy is absolutely flawless, and his ability to connect with fans is truly admirable.
The future is here, TFM readers, and that future is Dank Swag Apparel. I’ve only shown you a fraction of the glory that is this brand, and I’m hoping that their paltry 40 Facebook likes escalate now that I’ve shown the world the truth. If you’re still not convinced that this is the greatest clothing brand since Ralph Lauren slapped a few horses on fabric, I leave you with my favorite shirt in the collection. As we speak, I’m ordering one for everyone at the Grandex office. Stay Dank. Keep Swagging.
Check out Dank Swag Apparel’s Facebook page HERE.