Day Drinking Is The Most American Thing You Can Do

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Day Drinking Is The Most American Thing You Can Do

This year’s winter sucked, to say the least. There are parts of the country still dealing with snow. It’s April, nature. Get your shit together. While there are many reasons to look forward to the onset of this long-awaited spring, one stands out among the rest: day drinking.

Technically speaking, you can enjoy some old-fashioned day drinking during any season. However, unless you live somewhere with mild winters, chances are you’d freeze your balls off. Why is that? Well, because day drinking should always take place outside. Now, I know some of you may be thinking, “Hey Bluto, if I’m drinking during the day, that’s day drinking.” You’re wrong. So wrong.

See, there is nothing all that special about drinking during the day. Any jackass can sit inside by himself and get hammered. Day drinking has to take place outside – it’s just that simple.

I’m no expert on other countries, but I imagine day drinking really doesn’t exist outside the United States. Sure, the Irish and the Germans can throw down, but they save that for special occasions. American day drinking doesn’t require a holiday. It just requires a little music, a lot of alcohol, and a fuck-ton of patriotism. Think you’re up for the task?

If you don’t love your country, stop reading here.

Good. Now that all the weak-gened, freedom-hating losers are gone, let’s talk business. If you want to have a successful day drinking event, you’ll need to line up a few things first. Get a band. I can’t emphasize the importance of this, guys. Sure, you could just hook up your iPod to some speakers and put on your best playlist, but anyone can do that. We’re men. We’re Americans. We’re better than that. Nothing beats live music. When you’ve got a good baker’s dozen of beers in you, you’ll jam out like there’s no tomorrow. In my experience, you want either a jam band or a group that can play a good mix of classic rock and some popular hits. Either way, you need a band.

So now you’ve got music. What’s next? Alcohol. You need a lot of this. As a matter of fact, you need more than you would for your average party. Like any other event, getting drunk is kinda the centerpiece of the day. However, with the combination of live music and girls in sundresses, you’re just going to drink more. Trust me on this one – it’s science. The nice thing about this is that you have so many options. You should have a superfluous amount of beer, just like you would for any other occasion, but you need to have other beverages available for your guests, too. Since it’s a day drinking affair, you should have a Bloody Mary option. Mimosas? Go for it. Jell-O shots? Sure. While these are all great drinks to have, there is one day drinking favorite that is always a welcome treat: the beloved liquor luge. Why? How about why the hell not? You can’t have a bad time when you have icy liquor rocketing into your mouth from a 10-foot long block of ice. You just can’t.

You’ve got your music and your booze covered, so now you need entertainment. Simply put, the band is not enough. You have to go all out with these kinds of things. I know you’re all thinking what I’m thinking, and the easiest way to get people going is with a bouncy castle. Why? Because alcohol and a bouncy castle are a combination made in heaven. Don’t argue with it. Just accept it. If you can’t get a bouncy castle because of things like “risk management” or some nerd at the rental company saying you’ll outright destroy it (a reasonable assumption, really), you could always go with a mechanical bull. It throws a competition aspect into things, it’s fun as shit when you’re drunk, and the girls love it. I’m not making this shit up, guys. Look it up.

If you’re going to rage all day long, you’ll need more energy than beer and liquor can provide. You’re going to need food. You could go with the classic burgers and dogs, but that probably won’t cut it. In my opinion, some of the best day parties are the ones that have a specific type of cuisine. Everyone loves a pig roast – they’re fun, and the food is absolutely delicious. Crawfish boils are popular and easy to put together. There are several other ways you can go here, too. Obviously, some cuisines are regionally oriented, so a “crab grab” might not work out so well in some parts of the country. Regardless of what food you choose to go with, you’re going to need it. A man has to eat.

Now that we have the essentials out of the way, let’s take a look at the timeline. Scholars have debated for eons on the best timeline for a day drinking event, but there’s no real definitive answer. I’ve always personally been a fan of starting early in the day with a pregame. Although there’s a huge party later in the day, it’s always fun to get a bit of a head start. That’s just being prepared and thinking ahead. In my opinion, the best time to start the actual party is around 11 a.m., but that’s just a technique. It’s really up to you. Determining the start time of the event is easy. Figuring out when to end it is tough. Realistically, your best option is to end it a little before sundown, unless you plan on continuing the party into the night. The nice thing about day drinking, much like America, is that you have a lot of freedom. You can end the party or you can keep it going. Regardless of what you do, you can keep having a great time. Unlike traditional parties, you still have plenty more time, and provided you don’t pass out from exhaustion or inebriation, you can keep going through the night. It truly is a wonderful thing.

Spring is now upon us. The weather is finally getting nicer, girls are wearing sundresses, and everyone wants to have a good time. Traditional parties won’t cut it, so take advantage of the season, gentlemen. Drink during the day. Do it right. Do it like an American.

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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