Dear TFM Sweethearts: Sorry We’re Romantic, Part 2
I love the TotalFratMove Sweetheart section. It’s a collection of the hottest sorority girls in the country, and it’s a perfect representation of the absurd attractiveness of the Greek Community. As gorgeous as all the girls are though, my favorite part of the sweetheart section, by far, is the “What’s the creepiest move a guy has ever pulled on you,” question. Most of the time when I read the answers I imagine some awkward geed sketching around one of these girls doing his best Buffalo Bill impression. But after reading some of these “creepiest moves” I think there may have been some serious misunderstandings going on.
I decided to catalog some of the more questionable “creepy moves” and, through the magic of the internet, track down the “offending” male suitors who supposedly pulled these creepy moves so that I could hear their side of the story.
Kim Smith (Utah)
Creepy Move: One time a homeless man told me my life wouldn’t be fulfilled until I was filled with um yaaaa… I was obviously unimpressed and declined his offer.
Suitor’s Response: First off, homeless man? I have a name, and that name is “Alley Steve.” That’s right, not “Dumpster Steve,” not “Park Bench Steve,” Alley Steve. I’ve got a whole alley all to myself, jealous much? Secondly, I don’t know if you read the cardboard sign I was wearing around my neck at the time, but it said “The End is Near,” and it is dammit! The ghost who haunts the park bathroom I sometimes masturbate in told me that any day now a race of sky lizards will rain fire upon Earth, forcing the few humans who survive to live underground. You looked like a survivor to me, and if you want your post-apocalyptic life to have ANY meaning you would let me fill you with my jizz. Yeah, I said it, JIZZ. I’m too homeless to be coy. Sure you could let some handsome frat boy or star quarterback get you preggers, but those guys are pussies. You want another survivor type’s DNA inside of you, so that your children are hearty survivors themselves.
And guess what? I’m a Goddamn survivor. I’m homeless for Christ’s sake! And I’m still alive! I’m still here! And I’m getting’ fo mo new alleys! Do you know what I’ve had to endure!? Harsh winters. Brutal summers. Staggering amounts of crack-cocaine ingestion. Once I spent three weeks sleeping behind a cheese factory. Then one day I made the mistake of hiding in the sewers during a thunderstorm. I literally had to fight off an army of rats who mistook me for a giant piece of cheese. I’m not exaggerating, it was an ARMY. There were thousands, and they were organized. It was terrifying. Using only an old boot and a spear that I had quickly fashioned from a discarded shower rod I murdered thousands of the rodent horde. That’s how a survivor rolls. You missed out.
Haley Hines (Arkansas)
Creepy Move: A random guy told me he’d be my Christian Grey when he saw me reading the book. Anyone who has read “50 Shades of Grey” knows how creepy that is.
Suitor’s Response: Anyone who has read “50 Shades of Grey” ALSO knows that Christian Grey is a fucking billionaire and an awesome lay. Just like me. So, what then? Limitless funds and orgasms are a turnoff for you? Good to know. It’s okay though, because I found a willing mistress. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to order her a custom made $10,000 gown and then send her an email filled with thinly veiled threats and emotionally manipulative double speak. I didn’t like the way she was talking to that barista last week. Oh and in case you were wondering, I’m a Walton.
Rachel Klubeck (Oklahoma)
Creepy Move: “I don’t think it’s safe to go home this late alone. Maybe you should come with me.”
Suitor’s Response: You think I’m creepy because of that!?! Are you kidding me! That’s fucking friendly. I’m not a creep! The only reason I even asked to escort you is because earlier when I stole your purse and took it to the bathroom to smell your tampons I noticed that your can of mace was running low. No way you’re fighting off a gang of rapists with an empty can of mace. Sorry for being thoughtful. I was so stressed out after this whole incident that my psychiatrist recommended I take up painting as an emotional outlet.
Shira Hefter (Arizona)
Creepy Move: One guy came up to me and said, “Are you a parking ticket? Because you have got fine written all over you.” The funny part was that he was serious!
Suitor’s Response: Yeah, I WAS serious. I thought you were literally a parking ticket. One of my dick friends gave me too much acid and I was tripping balls way too hard. It was unpleasant; honestly I could’ve used some help. Instead you laughed at me and walked away. I spent the rest of the night hiding in a bush, thinking a giant turtle had swallowed me. The next morning a Mexican gardener poked me with his rake until I woke up. When I did I realized that I had pissed myself and eaten half my cell phone for reasons that I still can’t explain. So no, I wasn’t hitting on you. I was scared and trying to figure out what was going on. It’s not all about you, you know.
Britny DeLuca (Rhode Island)
Creepy Move: One guy tried to take a picture up my dress…and then proceeded to try and get my number. No thanks!
Suitor’s Response: The name’s Clive Sebastian, the most aggressive talent agent in the world of underwear modeling. I’ve been in this business too long to care about getting things like names or permission. If I think you got the stuff to make it as an underwear model I’ll whip out my cell phone, take a snapshot of the goods, and get your number. If you decline then I know you weren’t right for the gig. You could’ve been a star Britny, what with your good looks and inexplicably misspelled name. That’s the stuff the great ones are made of.
Shelby Fraser (Oklahoma)
Creepy Move: A guy tried to ask me out by inviting me to his house to see all the paintings he had made of me throughout the school year…needless to say I did not go.
Suitor’s Response: I spent YEARS slaving over those paintings. It was all for you. Yeah, okay, maybe I’m a little eccentric, and maybe I had to take a few liberties with shower cameras to accurately capture your figure, but I’m guessing if Zac Efron had filled a gallery with portraits of you there’d be a flash flood warning for whatever county you were in. It’s fine though. After you rejected me I made a few adjustments to the paintings. Basically I added horns, fangs, and cloven feet and retitled the series “Succubi of the Plains.” So take that. I mean, no one has bought any yet, but still, take that.
Lauren Dominguez (Mississippi)
Creepy Move: One time a guy sniffed me.
Suitor’s Response: To be fair, I was actually doing a line of cocaine off of you, the table was too crowded and you were pretty hot. Had you not freaked the fuck out I would have totally offered you some… you could’ve done it off my boner.
Julia Perenboom (Arizona)
Creepy Move: A guy followed me around a bar one night but never said a word!
Suitor’s Response: Uh, well, that isn’t untrue. I in fact did not say a word. However, it wasn’t because I was some creepy serial killer trying to track you down. I’m deaf and mute. While I wasn’t technically speaking to you, I WAS desperately trying to sign you. But instead of taking three seconds to pay attention you acted creeped out and told your friends, who all in turn laughed at me, the lonely deaf guy trying to make a friend. Fuck you, fuck you harder than God fucked my ears.
Chelsie Leigh (Missouri)
Creepy Move: A random guy I was Facebook friends with chatted me and told me he was waiting outside for me in my school’s parking lot. He got blocked and I got bodyguards.
Suitor’s Response: N/A
Writer’s Response: You lose all rights to call someone else creepy when you find the real name of a certain internet writer and friend him on Facebook even though you’ve never met him. Boom, roasted.
Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM
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