Dear TFM Sweethearts, Sorry We’re Romantic (Part 3)

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It’s New Year’s Eve, and that means a lot of creepy moves are going to be pulled tonight, by myself included, “Sooo dyou ladies knows what TFM is? I’m Baggun. I got twelve thousand Twitter ferllerwers…PLEASE FUCK ME!”

So in honor of that I decided to once again analyze some of the TFM Sweethearts’ more questionable creepy moves.


Nicole Rice (Alabama)

Creepiest Move

I was out with some friends and I got a text from a random number saying “I see you over there cutie ;)” When I looked up I saw a guy that I have never met before waving at me. I still don’t know how he got my number.

Hmm, yeah, I guess that is sort of creepy, a guy randomly getting your number and sending you a text message. That sort of, shall we say, spontaneity, can be pretty darn weird. You were trying to have a fun night out and thanks to this jerk things didn’t go according to plan.

Out of complete and total random curiosity, what can a guy do to impress you?

Spontaneity always makes the most exciting dates. I love when things don’t go according to plan.

YOU HYPOCRITICAL BITCH!

Here was a guy just trying to be spontaneous for you, but NOOOOOO, all of the sudden that’s no good. Why? WHY NICOLE? Was he ugly? Fat? Did he have one of those mangled baby hands? This rejection had to be based on looks, because according to what you claim to be impressed by he did everything else right. Way to be shallow…and a liar. Mangled baby hand guy deserves better anyway.


Alexis Johnson (North Carolina)

Creepiest Move

A guy sent me Drake love lyrics for weeks on end via Facebook. Needless to say, he’s been unfriended.

Haven’t you ever seen Dangerous Minds, Alexis? Rap is really just poetry, but with death threats and n-words. He was quoting poetry to you, and that’s romantic as fuck. Leave that soft ass Robert Frost shit for the bathhouses, a real man quotes rap lyrics all day, though I’ll grant that Tupac or Biggie would have been way more impressive than Wheelchair Jimmy. Regardless, I foresee whichever timid man you take as your future husband being viciously beaten by an angry soccer dad at your future child’s game.


Devan Stehl (Texas)

Creppiest Move

I was on a flight and this creepy older man kept winking at me, I hurried to my connecting flight only to find that he was also on that plane. The line decided to stop while I was right next to his seat where he proceeded to ask how old I was. If that wasn’t enough, he was waiting for me by the baggage claim. Thank goodness I found some friends and ran to safety!

First off, Dev-AHN, if you plan on working for Fox News, like you claim on your sweetheart page, get used to creepy older men. You don’t think O’Reilly is going to sneak a peek? What do you think Hannity is watching when you walk away to get him a coffee? You think Alan Colmes ISN’T going to pull out his sad, droopy, old penis and shake it at you? I mean, really, you think Ann Coulter won’t scissor attack you in the women’s room the first chance she gets? You’ve got some pretty terrible PGPs coming your way.

But honestly, this guy just sounds like a kindly older gentleman. My grandpa winks at me when he tells me a joke, no big deal. The man asked how old you were because he was probably concerned about you. And as far as the baggage claim thing goes, he was probably just waiting for his Goddamn bags.

I mean either all of that or he was old and confused and thought you were Lady Gaga.


Jacklyn Trzaska (Texas)

Creepiest Move

A guy once drew a picture of me that he took off my Facebook page. It would have been sweet if I didn’t look like an alien.

I hope this guy is the next freakin’ Picasso. Ever heard of cubism? How about surrealism? Was this guy seriously cock blocked by artistic license? Lookout everybody! Jacklyn Trzaska only hooks up with impressionists and realists! Yeah, well, have fun with that, because impressionists have syphilis.


Brittney Brennan (Arizona)

Creepiest Move

A kid in middle school told me he wanted to kill me, cut off my hair and then smoke it…terrified.

Ahem.

Kids say the murderiest darndest things?

Okay fine, that’s pretty damn creepy. Like naked guy with an erection holding a cleaver and wearing clown makeup creepy. I’ll leave any attempts to defend this statement to the attorney the state will eventually be appointing him. Congratulations on escaping this serial killer.


Tayla MacEachern (Rhode Island)

Creepiest Move

One time a guy told me he had a tattoo of a ruler on his penis, and he asked me if I wanted to see it. I’m pretty sure that is the worst pickup line I have ever heard.

Pretty sure that’s BEST pickup line I’ve ever heard. Especially if the girl likes fun, easy going guys, like you claim on your sweetheart page. I defy you to find a more easy going guy than the one who has a ruler tattooed on his penis. Ruler penis guy is on constant holiday. Oh, and he’s packing a footlong. I guess then the question is, how much is too much, Tayla?


Jessica Wener (Arizona)

Creepiest Move

I’ve had a few stalkers…use your imagination.

Absolutely, that sounds like fun. I’ll write it based on the level of misunderstanding and self involvement that are clearly present in most of these other “creepy” moves.

Everyday this guy would come to my house, and just, like, stand outside the door for a minute and then leave without saying ANYTHING. Then I’d go outside and find all these pieces of paper with my name written on it that he left there. It was SO creepy. Eventually I confronted him and he was all like “I’m the mailman, I’m literally just delivering your mail” and I was all like “You’re a creep, so how about you just go away instead.” Thankfully he stopped coming around and leaving all those papers after that. On a completely unrelated note a few months later my utilities were turned off and my car was repossessed.

Yup, that sounds about right.


Becky Schneider (Missouri)

Creepiest Move

One time a guy drunkenly forced me to salsa dance with him…I wasn’t too happy.

Sorry I like to salsa dance when I come back to Mizzou for Homecoming. Get over it.

***


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Nice Move

Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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