I have a friend who just got over a really bad break up.
Her name was Kendall Johnson. She was this gorgeous stunner on the track team with an identical twin sister named Kennedy. They used to go out and get trashed via fake IDs until one night Kennedy accidentally tried to get into a cop car instead of her Uber. They both got MIPs, and were subsequently tossed off the team. That’s when Ken & Ken hit the bars even harder, having nothing to lose, and Kendall wound up dating my friend. They were together for like two years before she dumped him out of the blue with no explanation.
He was pretty beat up about it, obviously. The dude’s a soft 5 on a good day and he’s a Sociology major, so he’s not getting many more dime pieces like that. Like any of us would, he went and got drunk for ten straight weeks to numb the pain. Alcohol is the best coping mechanism, some alcoholics say.
Just last week, our team pulled off a massive upset and the entire town was out getting ragey and flipping cars. 10 p.m. — this was a 1 p.m. game — my friend’s phone dings and he looks down. It’s a drunk text from Kendall.
“Holy shit we won. Want to come over?”
His phone dings again. Right below is a text from this new girl he’d been seeing.
“OMFG WE WON!!!f!! COME GET SHITTY!f!!s!!!”
Now, he wanted to know which one to go with, so he came to me for advice. I was conflicted, because his new girl was pretty hot, too. Naturally, I went straight to our group chat:
Cortez: I think you’ve got to stick with the chick with more exclamation points.
Brent: That’s how you know she likes the D. Vertical punctuation.
Barnes: What a choice. So you got your bitch ex, and a respectable lady who wanted to inform you of some news.
Lars: Is she a GILF?
Barnes: No way life is that good.
Cortez: Look, you have to go for the new poontang. It’s Man Law.
Barnes: Right, but there’s something to be said for the classics. Plus, she’s got the twin sister, so who knows what could happen.
Brent: My man!
Brent: Hold on.
Brent: The GIFs aren’t working on my phone. I want to send that one with the Rick and Morty mailman.
Cortez: Go back to your basement.
Brent: Go back to Mexico.
Lars: Guys. How sure are we that the ex is a thing?
Barnes: Not sure at all. But that makes the chase exciting, right?
Cortez: Fuck no. He’s going to show up at her house with like three other dudes she texted at the same time, and then she’s going to pretend she doesn’t know him and hook up with an Italian guy.
Barnes: That’s weirdly specific. Has that happened to you?
Cortez: Suck my grandma’s chode.
Lars: He’d like it.
Cortez: Go for the new fling. And be sure to bring a floating device, because you’re going to be drowning in that pussy.
Brent: Yeah plus you can rub it in Kendall’s face. Not your dick, though. That’s going to be in the new girl’s face.
Cortez: That joke made me want to chop my balls off and join a cult.
Lars: Yeah, that was pretty retarded.
Barnes: When was the last time you were with a woman? Do you go rubbing dicks in people’s faces?
Brent: Love you guys.
Cortez: I want a divorce.
I told my friend to go for the new girl and the sure thing. He was way too drunk to be going the fuck across town chasing after some flashback tail. Of course, he totally ignored me and cabbed over to Kendall’s place. He gets there, and guess what?
“Oh shit I meant to text someone else.”
Cortez: Dammmnnn!!! I told him. Why do you guys never listen to me? One in the hand beats twins in the bush.
Barnes: That’s some cold shit, but I’m telling you, sometimes you gotta reach for the bush.
Brent: YEAH PLAYA *sends a Dab GIF*
Cortez: That’s it, you’re out of the band.
My friend called over to his new fling’s place, but she was already passed out. Missed the window.
Cortez: Moment of silence for the man. Asshole messed up.
I assumed this was the end for my friend. The kind of roadblock that makes a man order a pizza and go home to whack off vigorously. But an hour later, I get a snapchat from him in a bar with Kendall’s sister Kennedy kissing his face. It’s captioned “Round Two.”
Barnes: Fuck yeah! What did I tell you fuckers? It’s like doubling down. One of those hands is definitely going to pay off.
Brent: The one in her poop hole.
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