Desperately Rationalizing A Long Distance College Relationship: A Conversation

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(*Guy walks out of graduation ceremony in cap and gown, holding his diploma. Waiting for him is his girlfriend, who is still an undergrad*)

Girl: Congratulations on graduating, babe!

Guy: Thanks, sweetie.

Girl: I’m so proud of you.

Guy: Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without your support. Well, I could have, this is a state school, but you know what I mean…it sounded nice anyway.

Girl: It sure did.

(*an awkward beat*)

Guy: So…next year this’ll be you.

Girl: Yup…

Guy: That’s…that’s great. A year? One year. (*through a forced smile*) Great. That’s not that long. How much can really change in a year?

Girl: Yup. I have another year of school and you’re graduated! So…you’re for sure going back to your hometown to look for a job?

Guy: Oh, right, yeah, I forgot that we’ve barely talked about this impeding doom because the one or two times we did it ended with you crying and me drinking and you crying more, and then, admittedly, some pretty great sex, but then more crying.

Girl: (*laughs awkwardly*) It sure did.

Guy: But I guess we should talk about that now…

Girl: Even though ignoring it was working great!

Guy: Yeah it really was. To answer your question, yes I’ve got a couple of options back home.

Girl: You could always look for jobs here, too!

Guy: (*insincerely enthusiastic*) Yeah! I could! Even though our college town’s economy revolves around the university, fast food, Walmarts, meth, and a couple insurance agencies, yeah, you know what, there could actually be some viable options here…

Girl: Totally…

(*another awkward beat*)

Guy: I’ll definitely look for work here in our college town. I’m sure I’ll find something befitting of a person with a college degree, and not some dogshit job that pays on commission and makes me question my self worth everyday! But you know, even if I don’t find a job here…

Girl: (*lip trembles*) If…if you don’t…?

Guy: IF! That was just an if! Don’t cry. Don’t make a scene. Let’s save that for somewhere private, where we can fuck the shit out of each other afterwards.

Girl: (*calms down*) Okay…

Guy: You know, I’m just saying, if I don’t find a job in our dead, jobless college town, it won’t be that big of a deal.

Girl: Totally!

Guy: (*overly, insincerely enthusiastic, laughing*) Because we can always just do the long distance thing!

Girl: (*overly, insincerely enthusiastic, laughing*) Definitely! I mean, sure it doesn’t really ever work for anyone else, ever, but we’re different! I can feel it! Those other long distance people are like so, like…

Guy: (*readily agreeing*) Oh yeah, those people. They’re just…they’re so…pffffffffft, those people. Ya know?

Girl: For sure.

Guy: Our long distance thing will be fine. Yes I’ll have my own place and be making good money in an exciting city full of young professionals who will now have infinitely more in common with me than you…

Girl: And I’ll be here at college, where inhibitions are non-existent, having more wieners thrown at me than a fan section at a minor league baseball game in the crosshairs of the mascot’s hotdog cannon…

Guy: But we’ll definitely be faithful to each other!

Girl: Absolutely!

Guy: And we totally won’t resent each other when we pass up on better, or at least more available options, choosing instead to desperately cling to our disintegrating relationship, basically out of politeness!

Girl: Or we won’t.

Guy: Cling to our disintegrating relationship?

Girl: Pass up on available options. I mean, sometimes that hot dog cannon is gonna hit ya whether you’re hungry or not.

Guy: Fair enough. But if we do cheat on each other, we probably shouldn’t tell each other, at least not right away. Let’s let it boil inside, fermenting in guilt and resentment, until finally we’re in a fight about something else, probably brought on by our long distance relationship, and then just drop that bomb as a big, fat fuck you.

Girl: Well that sounds like the mature way to handle it.

Guy: Definitely. Let’s just hope it happens while we’re physically with each other, so that we can at least fuck each other’s brains out after the fight.

Girl: It’d be pretty inconsiderate not to.

Guy: Besides, without the crazy, desperate sex we’d certainly break up.

Girl: Well that and we’ve gotten so used to talking to each other everyday that we’d feel insanely lonely if we suddenly cut that off, despite the fact that we both have tons of other friends and only actually see each other once every couple of weeks. I know I would anyway.

Guy: No, secretly I would too. I’d probably try to suppress those feelings by drinking a socially appalling amount and blacking out, but if I’m being honest that would just inevitably lead to me drunk texting you and/or tweeting something really gay and sensitive. God drunk me fucking sucks sometimes.

Girl: And I’d find that both endearing and pathetic, though the ratio would depend on how recently I’ve been plowed.

Guy: That’s fair.

Girl: Okay, so, let’s talk worst-case scenario.

Guy: Worst-case scenario, I’m thinking we stay together for a few months, at first because we both still really like each other, even though we see this wreck coming from a mile away.

Girl: Oh, it’s gonna be like a mobile abortion clinic colliding at 100mph with one of those Red Cross blood donation RVs.

Guy: They have mobile abortion clinics?

Girl: In Canada, yes, but that’s beside the point.

Guy: Right sorry. Where was I? Right. So we’ll eventually continue our relationship out of politeness, because we don’t want to hurt each other and because we’re just kinda fucking lazy.

Girl: But also because we have just enough sex to make it seem worth it.

Guy: Absolutely. To an extent it’ll be out of convenience too, (*starts laughing*) well until I have to lie about you to another girl I’m trying to bang. Then it won’t be so convenient, huh?

Girl: I won’t even have to lie. It’s not like another guy would care.

Guy: No…I know I wouldn’t…You’ll also be a great excuse to come back and visit college whenever the real world becomes un-fucking-bearable to me.

Girl: For sure.

Guy: And then one day we’ll just say fuck it. Hell, we might even be cordial about it. Someone will probably throw out a “we’re still friends.”

Girl: And we’ll want to be.

Guy: But then we’ll either start fucking each other again or start hating each other, or fuck each other, then hate each other, then hate fuck each other, and then just shut off all communication.

Girl: That sex is going to be incredible.

Guy: It makes me almost just wanna break up right now.

Girl: But that’d be impolite.

Guy: And we certainly don’t want to be that.

Girl: Alright! Let’s get this trainwreck rolling.

Guy: I love you, babe.

Girl: I love you too.

***


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Nice Move

Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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Comments

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  1. 57
    Fratty McGillicutty

    “having more wieners thrown at me than a fan section at a minor league baseball game in the crosshairs of the mascot’s hotdog cannon…”
    Best comment of the whole column.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 23
    Tommy Gufano

    Can y’all not do the movie and just do a TV series? BMS was great because it was an exaggerated view of a D1 football team’s antics, I’m sure you can achieve a similar goal with a fraternity show. Not like Greek or Glory Daze but like actual Greek life. If you like my idea, you don’t need to pay me, just let me fuck one of the leading actresses.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 16

    Bacon, if that really is you’re name, you are one seriously fucked up dude. To paraphrase a personal hero of mine, Dave Chappelle, “What can I say about your [life and hopes] that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan.”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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