President Murphy: Alright everyone, quiet down. We all know why we’re here.
Social Chair Richards: I would just like to have it on record before this J Board meeting starts that I was given bad information. Our own vice president over there told me that “Amputees and Manatees” was an acceptable mixer theme right to my fucking face. He approved it!!! It’s not my fault if one of the pledges, OF HIS OWN VOLITION MIGHT I ADD, decided to cut his pinky toe off during that lineup like a housewife trying to fit into new heels in order to get in theme.
President Murphy: Uh… Okay then. We all know why we’re here except Richards, apparently. Your J Board hearing is on Thursday, you moron.
Vice President Charles: Well, while we’re on the subject, I’d just like to point out that my exact quote was, “Yeah, dude, ‘Amputees and Manatees’ is totally acceptable. Making fun of people experiencing limblessness, as they prefer to be called, as well as fat people is okay because neither of them can properly defend themselves against our appropriation.”
President Murphy: … How does that help your case at all?
Vice President Charles: It was the way I said it. You had to be there.
President Murphy: Well, I wish I was, because then none of this would’ve happened and I wouldn’t have had to explain to that pledge’s mother how her son lost a toe because “he dropped a box full of canned goods on it while volunteering at the soup kitchen.”
Pledge Master Kennick: Great save.
President Murphy: Thanks. ANYWAYS, we’re here because we need to choose a performer for December’s big “Fratsy The Snowman” party.
Treasurer Peters: I still have a hard time believing 51+ percent of our chapter agreed on that theme. Fratsy? Really? That sounds like something a 4-year-old would name a bunny.
Social Chair Richards: It was the “snowman” part that I think most of them were focusing on, honestly.
Risk Manager Brooks: God fucking damn it.
President Murphy: First order of business: Does anyone have a connection to someone who’s good, ideally cheap, and willing to play a party for a bunch of coked out meatheads?
Secretary Andersson: My buddy from high school is a DJ. Goes by MC Skoobysnaxxx. He mostly plays Kosovo Farm House and Moldovan Djemba Trap, but I bet I could get him to put together a playlist of just the hits that has minimal rural Eastern European influence. There will be rural Eastern European influence, though. It’s kinda his thing.
Social Chair Richards: Why did he pick a name that makes it sound like he’s some sort of man-dog bestiality porn sex worker?
President Murphy: Answering that will only prolong a discussion about something that has a zero percent chance of happening, so don’t do it. No dancing goat music played by a dogfucker. If nobody else has any connections, does anybody at least have any general ideas?
Vice President Charles: A solid tactic that a lot of houses use is to book a washed-up one-hit wonder. You get all the name recognition and hype, plus one dope singalong, and all it costs is a few grand and the pain that comes with suffering through the rest of the completely unknown songs on their assumed-to-be-God-awful setlist.
President Murphy: Wow, an actually not terrible idea. Didn’t see one of those coming out of this meeting. Mark that down in the minutes, Andersson. How many are we up to this semester total?
Secretary Andersson: Negative six.
President Murphy: Not bad. Seriously, though; this one-hit wonder idea might have legs. For all we know, these guys might have some other fire songs in their arsenals that nobody’s ever heard of. Maybe lightning struck twice and we’ll be the ones who discover it? And if not, we at least get one banger. I’m kind of sold on this idea, actually.
Social Chair Richards: Yeah, and maybe we can use the money we save by hiring a one-hit wonder to produce a second hit for them and make millions!
President Murphy: Andersson, please move the “Not Terrible Ideas” count back to negative seven.
Vice President Charles: I did a little research, and here are the one-hit wonders available for less than $5,000: Cali Swag District, Rixton, Hurricane Chris, A.R. Rahman, Mann, The Ting Tings, Dorrough, Javon Black (they said they’ll throw in Lil Kee for free), Ester Dean, and Hoobastank.
President Murphy: …
Treasurer Peters: …
Secretary Andersson: …
Pledge Master Kennick: …
Risk Manager Brooks: …
Social Chair Richards: Ohhh, is Def Leppard on that list? I’m trying to get them for the next “Amputees and Mana…”
President Murphy: Fuck it. Fuck all of it. We’re just gonna get Waka Flocka like every other fraternity ever. Meeting over. Everybody out..
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