Dick Perry Of “Dick’s Picks” Found Dead In Bathtub Filled With Cocaine

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Early Friday morning, Dick Johnson Perry was pronounced dead at his studio apartment in Austin, Texas. He is survived by his sister Ashley, mother Muffy, father Dick Senior and bloodhound Reagan. Pending investigation, cause of death is yet to be determined, but officers at the scene claim to have found his body in a bathtub filled with cocaine, gripping a gold-plated 9mm pistol in one hand, and his iPhone in the other, with the twitter app opened.

Most recently, after promising followers they could have sexual intercourse with his sister if he didn’t achieve an undefeated record, Mr. Perry was on the run in a stolen black Tahoe, wielding an arsenal of unregistered firearms and a half-ounce of uncut Columbian powder. It is unclear when he returned to the apartment or how he ascertained enough cocaine to fill a bathtub, and the whereabouts of his sister are unknown.

“I ain’t never seen that much blow,” said the coroner, who asked to remain anonymous. “That boy must have had the tolerance of five, six NFL linebackers.”

Dick Perry was a hyper-niche, unappreciated YouTube sensation that captured upwards of 15,000 views on several videos, which consisted of him giving college football gambling tips, conspiring to commit murder, orchestrating sabotage, and eliciting unrequested sexual advice. Rumors of the cancellation of his video series on TotalFratMove.com after a season and a half coinciding with the mass pursuit of his sister’s vagina sent his life into a downward spiral. He claimed to model underwear for Calvin Klein, but research turned up only one picture that appears to be photoshopped. Below is his final video, with footage of him on the run from “hard-dicked frat guys.”

Ginger co-worker Allen was quoted saying, “He was my best friend, even when I walked in on him flogging my wife with a cat of nine tails and taking her from behind.”

Matt Barkley, USC quarterback, has been brought in for questioning, along with twenty-six Austin area bookies.

His wake will be held at Star Bar in Austin, Texas on Wednesday, October 24 at 10:00pm, and all in attendance are encouraged to rock a slick-back haircut in remembrance of the man no one knew or loved.

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