Contrary to popular belief, I do, in fact, have friends. More than you, probably. I know a lot of them just hang out with me for the fame and fortune that comes along with being associated with an X-list internet celebrity, but some of them blow me sometimes, so it’s chill. Permantha, my slam who was born with no skin, even gives me hypodermis jobs. That’s a big deal, seeing as her immune system is so destroyed that any human contact all but assures a lengthy hospital visit. She’s a keeper (until she dies sometime later this year).
One of my many friends, a recently graduated fraternity brother, happens to be on scholarship in Kazakhstan. I know, right? Kazakhstan? What the hell is there in Kazakhstan besides Borat, film director Timur Bekmambetov, and the Bayterek monument and observation tower? The answer is not much. Not much at all. At least, that’s what I thought. Little did I know, Kazakhstan is one of the premier concert destinations for big-name artists.
DMX? Like, the “X gon’ give it to ya” DMX??? I would’ve never thought Kazakhstan could attract one of the premier singer/songwriter/under-the-influence drivers of our (oldest cousin’s) generation. He seems like the only logical headliner for the Big Love Show, too, given his numerous animal cruelty charges.
Luckily for all of us, my friend, who also happens to be one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, went to this concert. Below are the highlights of our conversation regarding his night.
You guys gotta get DMX for [our fraternity’s annual party]…he is officially at rock bottom…he might rape and/or murder some attendees but he’ll bring the heat.
How was he?
Rapping wise…absolutely terrible. Forgot the lyrics to his songs, didn’t sing, just started barking…Still had the swag though. There were like 2000 people in the crowd when he got on, 200 when it ended. He tried converting the country to christianity, made Borat jokes, and asked where the black people were for essentially 60% of the show.
Did people know who he was?
They knew of him but like 99% of the crowd didn’t speak English (and) didn’t know his lyrics, so he’d like give the mic to the crowd and it’d be dead silence. Like 3 separate times he was like “ya’ll niggas don’t know what the fuck I’m saying do ya?”
Tell me everything else ridiculous that happened.
There were maybe 8 white people in total there, 2 black guys. He was like, “where my niggas at”? And he had a blind black guy in his crew and was like I know one thing, “this is the only blind nigga in this country, cause right now I’m seeing a whole lot of salt and just a little bit of pepper” and then he wanted us to chant “a whole lot of salt, a little bit a pepper.”
This was also the first thing he said to the crowd… “Let me tell ya’ll something. I have 13 children with 9 different baby mamas. And I’m not saying this just to brag…the love i get from them ain’t shit compared to this…Being able to perform in front of 1000s of fans who love you, that’s better than the best fucking pussy i’ve ever had.” He couldn’t have killed it more than he did…I think my new life goal is to follow DMX around the world.
He also had this theory about how no one can hurt you more than you, but God is for you, and if God is for you, that means that no one can hurt, and then he started this chant “if God is for you, no one can be against you, if God is for you, no one can be against you” and no one chanted it cause no one knew what he was talking about. Also religious propaganda is very frowned upon here and banned in schools, idk about concerts though.
He took a selfie with a baby who was front at the concert…and then he gave his sweat rag that he used to wipe his face and head with to the baby.
[He] expressed major surprise at how Asian kazakhs look and asked some girls in the crowd if they’ll “love him long time.”
What a show. X gave it to them. I’m gonna call up his manager tomorrow and get a quote..