In the last few weeks, Parks and listmaster-in-chief StuffFratPeopleLike have made the case for why Blondes > Brunettes and Brunettes > Blondes. I, however, am here to set the record straight, because that fight is a fight for second place. Redheads reign supreme. If blondes are the bombshell fun-loving girls and brunettes are the attractive, more reserved girls you bring home to mom, redheads are the mix of the two, with an unpredictable side that will leave you wondering if you accidentally ingested an entire bag of cocaine the night before. Redheads also tend to have independent personalities as fiery as their hair. If you like your girls with a wild side that makes the best blonde party girl look tame, and can impress your parents like the best brunette, look no further.
Think back to the last time you were out at a bar and noticed a smoking hot redhead. More than likely, you had one of those moments where, if it were a cartoon, you would be on a table, eyes popped out of your head, howling like a wolf and some poor cartoon extra would have to roll your tongue back in your mouth. Hyperbole aside, you definitely took notice. Redheads tend to do that. Attractive redheads command the attention of the room like someone throwing a Rush Boob slideshow on the projector during chapter.
The 1% > 99%
If hair color was equated to mythical creatures, redheads would be unicorns. They’re incredibly rare, but when you find a bombshell redhead they take your breath away, and then proceed to get you involved in some crazy adventure that may or may not end with sex in a public fountain, reminiscent of that nymph scene from O’ Brother Where Art Thou, except actual sex happens, and there are no folk bands involved.
Red hair occurs in roughly 2% of the population. If you do the math, and assume that the planet is about 50/50 men and women, that means only about 70 million redheaded girls exist at any given time, and only about 25% of that is in our age range. While there are a ton of hot blondes and brunettes, really attractive redheads have won the genetic lottery.
Adventurous > Safe
People might say redheads have a little crazy in them, but people tend to say that about all girls. Now, in my experience, redheads are wilder, but I would argue that’s much more a good thing than a bad thing. Safe and cautious is boring. I’m sure none of you want your glory years to end that second you walk across the stage, so you should probably find someone who’ll be right there with you, ready to get into trouble. Your average redhead is down to keep “Let’s get weird” going well into adulthood.
Go out with them, and your night might go from a few casual drinks to one of those nights you’ll tell your son about in hushed whispers when his mother is out of town for the weekend. Redheads, like blondes, can be crazy party girls, but their adventurous side tends to manifest itself as what you do while drunk rather than tons of drinking in itself. The right redhead will make you question your time-honed raging abilities as she continuously ups the ante on your increasingly ridiculous night out.
Pale > Tan
It’s a controversial move, but I’m going to refute Kyle on this one. Tanning, for all the beauty it brings to your average blonde and brunette, takes a hell of a toll on anyone as they get older, just take a look at the average woman who’s been hitting the salon for the better part of 10 years. The tan blondes and brunettes of the world will still be attractive, but you can’t really stop UV damage from tanning, it’s kind of inevitable, and in bad cases you could wind up with a girl who has tanned herself into looking like a leather coat.
Redheads don’t have this problem. You’ll never see a redhead out tanning, unless they’re one of the rare redheads that tan. They’re only rumored to exist though, like sex after marriage. The average redhead will go to the beach and hang out, but she probably won’t be tanning. This means, 30 years down the road, her skin is probably still going to look pretty good, because she hasn’t wrecked it trying to look Mediterranean for the better part of her 20s and 30s, and for redheads who can tan some, you get the best of both worlds.
Kyle made a good point in his column, on aging well. I’d argue the redheads age the best out of the three. Look at actresses and Julianne Moore and Kate Winslet. Julianne is 50 and Kate is 40, and they still look like they’re in their 30s. I’d also like to point out Julia Roberts is a redhead, and if you aren’t interested in her, I would dare to say you don’t love America. Looking back through the history of Hollywood, from Rita Hayworth to Christina Hendricks, redhead bombshells have been everywhere, and they tend to not just rely on their looks to make their acting careers.
Christina Hendricks > Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis
Christina Hendricks wins this battle, boys. Have you seen her on Mad Men? She embodies everything about redheads that makes them awesome. Fiery personality? Check. Beautiful body? Check. Wild side that makes even the other execs at the agency uncomfortable and wary to cross her? Check. I mean, she slept with execs at Jaguar to make a deal that saved the company, and she did it on her terms. If you like a little fiery independence thrown in with sexy and intelligent, Hendricks is the clear winner here. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are smokeshows, and Mila has that “girl next door who also loves the things you love” thing going on, but Christina Hendricks would be the girl that would challenge you to be a better man, like she did with Sterling as Joan, and that’s always a plus.
Redheads are a wonderful mix of sexy, intelligent, a dash of adventure, and fiery independence. If you find yourself involved with a girl like that, you know it’s going to be a wild ride. It may be a mess at times and things may fall apart, but you’ll have a damn good time with her in the process. They’re unique, and there’s something to be said for that. The laundry list of European princesses and queens that rocked the red hair only further proves the fact that redheads rule, figuratively and literally. They’re the girls you take home to meet mom and dad for the weekend, but they’ll rock your world any night of the week.