Recently, my fraternity’s secret Facebook group came under attack by a bunch of new initiates under the direction of alumni who don’t want the contents of the group to leak into the real world. I, for one, can’t blame them.
For starters, here’s what you WON’T find in a fraternity’s secret Facebook group: fraternity secrets (if you post your secrets online you deserve to have them stolen), meaningful information (leave that shit for chapter), and nudie pics of American college girls (not cool to humiliate a person that way, plus why give other wankers the rewards of pics you worked hard to obtain yourself?). Here’s what you WILL find, though: photos of self-inflicted hazing, vomit, and passed out brothers, shit-talking on potential rushees and pledges, posts that try to get something constructive accomplished met with a string of harsh and unnecessary insults about the fat chick someone slept with once, “How To” guides for partying with sluts, mugshots from members who got arrested the previous weekend, partial nudity, and more pics of self-inflicted hazing.
The first rule of a fraternity’s secret page is NEVER name it after the fraternity. Don’t even use the fraternity’s letters. Oh, no one’s going to find it because you labeled it LXA instead of Lambda Chi Alpha? You’re not the first to think of that, numb nuts. Name it Central Ohio’s Geriatric Research Center, Smith And Smith’s Construction Ltd., Dirty Mike And The Boys’ ‘Bate Laboratory. Any combinations or variations of those will do. The more vanilla the name looks on the outside, the worse everything else is on the inside.
The internet is a dark place, but a fraternity’s secret Facebook group is one of the darkest. It’s also a piece of tradition for every chapter. Nowhere in the annals of history have the atrocities of a single group been documented with such precision. Ever wonder what the aftermath of a brother “dipping his fry in ketchup” looks like? Thanks to Facebook, I have. Neither those poor sheets or myself will ever be the same.
Every fraternity’s secret page should be lit on fire, pissed on, and lit on fire again. But each and every one also deserves to live on forever, partially because you can’t kill it. It appeals to the messed up part of the brain that tells you to watch a daredevil set a world record by jumping over the Grand Canyon on national TV when, deep down inside, you’re secretly hoping they trip and break every bone in their body. Yeah, you’re a sick fuck but you’re not alone.
In many ways, secret fraternity Facebook pages are just like the underground drug trade. You can try and kill it, but it can’t be killed. The people will only find newer, better ways to share their drunken memories in private.
You can take away our Facebook page, but you can never take away our freedom..